im actually new to this website, i found it by accident and joined. i have made some observations and comments to others but i have an underlying problem, just when i think i have it handled, something happens and i stumble.

i am a betrayed spouse. i was married 15 years, two kids, two dogs, nice house, good job..etc...my wife quit working full time and got very involved in a local youth sports orginazation....well...she ended up getting into an affair with a married man and would not break it off. i did a plan A of sorts, although i didnt really know what i was doing. we went to couselling but she was never 100% into it. i was totally destroyed emotinally and physically. about a month into couselling, she returned to the affair, but would not move out. it was a wierd living arrangement, she would go out with OP, then come home to me, well this lasted about 2 months until i couldnt take it anymore, i moved out, looking for a "shock" factor, again not knowing about plan A/B.

i have worked in law enforcement for over 20 years so i also had domestic violence concerns, not wanting to let emotions get out of hand etc...i guess i was also trying to protect myself...it just seemed to accelerate the affair...oh boy..i heard it all..."i love you but im not in love with you", "you drove me to the affair", "you didnt meet my needs", "im just not happy"...etc...the only thing was...she completly BLINDSIDED me...never saying a word of unhappiness or unmet needs before affair...(from reading the posts..pretty standard story) i just couldnt take it and finally "got off my knees and stood up like a man"

she proceeded with affair, which led to both her and affairee divorcing and a quick remaarriage...the speed of all this is what blew me away...less than 2 years..from start to marriage...

im barely recovering and taking my time at it, experiencing life again...(i went through several phases, "player", dating, probably quicker than i should, alcohol...etc...but that was coping mechanisim at the time)

my problem now, is i developed a medical issue...stress related high blood pressure...and im only 42!!

just the other day.....she apologized to me...said she made horrible mistakes...if had it to do over would never have cheated...so sorry for hurting me...etc...

i can say the words..."i forgive you" but im having a hard time living it or really meaning it...i have alot of anger towards her...and some envy..maybe thats a big factor though...although i came through divorce very much intact financially...i did lose my house and all the equity in trade for my retirement and 401K, no child support...so im deffinatley not complaining...but her life seems to have taken off....new job, new car, million dollar home, happy happy happy all the time when she talks to me on phone...she seemed to call ALL the time over stupid reasons...(i think the "happiness" is all fake, in my opinion) she is looking for happiness in material things.

since i started surfing this site...i actually recently told her of med issue, (she freaked by the way) and did a NO CONTACT stance...everytime she would call, i would tense up so i knew she still had an effct on me...

i know i still have feelings for her, you cant love someone for over 15 yrs and not have feelings, but love and hate are very close emotions...

i know that forgiveness is an act of will...but im having a very hard time with it and its starting to affect me in more ways by keeping it inside...

i also know that being happy and living a good life is the BEST REVENGE so to speak...i know i will be much better off in the future,,,i realize all these things...but im having trouble with the forgiveness and until that happens, can you truely heal????

anyone have similar feelings or input???

thanks for reading.

Sturg,

I have had my own problems with forgiveness over the past years. The very first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for your wifes affair. You contributed to the failed marriage not the affair. She decided to betray your trust and have an affair to solve the marriage problems. So give yourself a break and quit blaming yourself for the affair. Once you forgive yourself everything else will fall into place. Remember the power is within you to forgive, it cannot be found anywhere outside of you. You make the decision to let the pain go. I held on to the pain for a long time because it became the only life I knew after dealing with it for so long. One day I realized that I was making my life miserable by not letting go of the heavy weight. Just drop it and move forward. It helped me to visualize packing all the fear, anger, hurt and pain into a backpack, setting it on the ground, starting a new journey, watching the pack get further and further into the past and eventually focusing on all the plus things in my life. Realize she is an imperfect human being (all of us are) with all the shortcomings that go along with that. She even told you that she has made some major mistakes in the past.

Just let it go, you do not have to continue carrying the heavy backpack. Make it happen for you and your kids. YOu can do it.

Sturgis:

I will give you my experience and probably the same for others here who have "foregiven" their WS's. I got some very good advice early on after D-Day that I must move to accept what had happened before I even considered foregiveness. Acceptance is actually harder than foregiveness as it is difficult even now for me to imagine that what happened really did indeed happen. Even more difficult is that although I was in part responsible for the environment that allowed the A to begin and continue, I ultimately had no control over what happened and how that the mistakes were made by my FWW could have even occurred, much less be hidden from me for the entire 9 months or so that the A continued and then for another 10 years afterwards.

To me, when I am really honest about the whole issue, acceptance really came down to a control issue. I am a big believer that we are ultimately responsible for our own destiny. God gives us free will, and with those choices comes consequences and results. Some good, some bad, but our choice none the less. Because of my beliefs, I could not get it out of my mind that somehow I could have prevented this tragedy from ever happening. As a result, to this date, I struggle with forgiving myself.

Once I accepted what had happened and more importantly accepted that I could not change what had happened, forgiveness was only one of the steps that came as part of the process. I understand the health issues...that was part of what ultimately led us down the road to D-Day and the start of recovery. I will tell you that even though I have verbally and in my heart foregiven my W, there is still a void there caused by the pain of what happened. Although that void seems to slowly get smaller and less noticeable over time, I believe it will always be there.

I have sought the advice of a knowledgeable preist friend of mine on how that I know that I have foregiven and why I still feel the same way some times. He had the normal answer of giving it up to God, praying for the pain to be changed to compassion, etc. and that does help but still didn't allow me to understand that void that I felt. However, one of the scriptures that is quoted often in regards to foregiveness is where Peter asked Jesus how much he had to foregive someone who had sinned against him. Seven times he asked? Jesus replied, not seven times but seven times seventy. I had heard and read this scripture a million times but never really understood the meaning. Now I think I do. Forgiveness is indeed an act of will, but probably not a single act. We must foregive and then foregive again, again, again. Every time that you have those feelings of anger, void, resentment try to replace that with a thought that asks God for him to substitute those feelings with those of compassion and mercy.

Can you truly heal until you have foregiven??? I am not sure that is possible but I also know from personal experience that I had to recover from this regardless of the ultimate outcome of my M. I am recovering personally and in my M but there are still many days of trial and tribulation. I have accepted that as my personal cross to bear. I don't like it and wished it wasn't me but trust that God has put me in a position to become a better person as a result of what happened. But in this journey, I have found that I have to foregive evertime that this pain reappears. That in my mind is why, the 7*70 parable was written.

NT

Thanks for that--I had never thought of that and now it all makes sense to me.

-CSJ

i have learned so much over the past couple of years, not only did i fond a renewed faith in God that i had run from for so long, but i became a hardened survivor. i had to adadpt to the situation that i was in, like "playing the cards that were dealt".

i learned what worked for me, and how i controlled my divorce to protect myself, even though i let her file, i still ahd more control over the situation than i imagineed at the time. thats in looking back...you know...the hindsight thing...

but maybe you are right about the acceptance issue....i do have alot of anger towards my X and myself...i sometimes feel regret and guilt with all the "what if's"...i know in my heart i tried very hard to save my marriage but the speed of everything made me spin....

i also know that maybe when i have a good old fashion "pity party" the anger and sadness just intensifies...

i became very selfish and protective of what i had left, finances and such that i consciencly felt i had only two choices...one was to save my marriage and the other was to come out of divorce as "uninjured" as possible...

i do believein "unanswered" prayers, and i do know that no matter what i did that left my X with unmet emotional needs, that did not give her any excuse to have an A, but at times thats little consolation with how im feeling...

i know what she did was irreprehensible, i know i cant move forward until i can take my focus off of the past and forgive not only her but myself....but that is my struggle...

when i read some of the posts here and realize how much pain so many people are in and how hard they work and try, i realize i took the EASY road and gave up...maybe too early...this is one of my favorite sayings, because its really hits home how im feeling...i got it out of a self help book some time back "we humans will stand next to a barrel full of beautiful ripe apples and never notice them because we are too busy crying over the rotten one we are holding"....

i cant beat myself up, or sayi wish i knew of this site earlier or if anything would have made a difference but i need to forgive...and forgive...until the emotions turn cold and i become indifferent towards her....all the "apples" in this world wont replace 15 years of my life...but it does help....forgiveness comes so DAMN hard for me....

after my ramble here, someone i work with suggested i write her 2 letters, laying out everything in my heart...the anger, frustation, deep feelings....everything....and then write another one, listing out everything i accomplished in my life, sucesses and failures...where my life is now, girlfriends...relationships..happiness and sad time...etc.....AND NEVER MAIL THEM...and when i get feeling down or angry...pull em out and re-read....i find writting to be a kind of therepy for me.

anyone have thoughts or suggestions on this...

Sturgis;

I have seen the two letter recommendation before and although I haven't used it, there is so merit into thinking that way.

One thing that I think gets into all of our BS mindset is somewhat of an compulsive obsession in thinking about what happened. This combined with the normal HUMAN feelings of self pity, resentment, gut wretching emptiness, etc. is a major roadblock to personal recovery (see a very recent post I made in a much different mindset). The one thing that all BS's have in common is that we have to have personal recovery at some point. We may or may not have marital recovery.

I have found a really good exercise to keep me from obsessing over the A (especially the details of the A). When those thoughts enter my mind, before they get to running around like a one legged man in a chit kicking contest, I try to visualize something that I really enjoy personally that also takes energy and concentration to do in real life. Could be mountain climbing, water skiing, waterver. I think it helps if that activity is also somewhat repetitive. For me personnally, it is teaching a young horse to flex, back and turn. When those thoughts come now, I get on the new horse in my mind, ride at an angle to the fence row, stop, back, turn, repeat. This is much more strenuous in real life than you might think and requires absolute concentration or you will get dumped. Everytime I do this now, I begin to smile with accomplishment. I have taught the new horse through this repetition and have found some success.

I mentioned this exercise to my therapist yesterday on the phone and the phone went silent as if she did not know what to say. After a moment, she asked for more detail in how I felt during and after this exercise. I told her that I have replaced the sorriful, painful moments of my life with moments of success, control, conquering the objective, etc. Her reply....she knew but had to ask. Only thing she regretted was not thinking of this and recommending it to me. She feels like this exercise as long as it continues to work and be successful accomplishes many objectives that are critical to self recovery...namely improved self esteem through activities which I controlled and subliminal substition of obsessive thoughts. You can read the rest into that.

Keep moving forward. If nothing else, think how much better of a partner you are to the next special person in your life. You will be more attentive, cognizant of her needs, faithful, etc. Maybe instead of blaming your wife and resenting her, you should thank her for allowing the real you to come out and be enjoyed by someone other than her. She gave up all that to spend the rest of her life with another unfaithful, selfish, self absorbed person while your new significant other gets to enjoy all that she had but walked away from. How's that for revenge...LOL.

NT

Writing as therapy is really good for many of us. Best therapy that I have had (and I have two different shrinks..ROFLMAO). I am currently writing a book on a regular joes personal and marital recovery guide. I figured I had become somewhat of an expert as I probably did just about everything wrong at one time or another. I don't think Recovery Guide for the Normal Joe (using tools learned from the school of hard knocks) is much of an appropriate title but the purpose of this venture is two fold...first, to allow me to continue to progress through my recovery and secondly, to put this whole ordeal into the perspective of a normal, everyday guy (sorrow girls there are already books specifically for you) instead of just the ones that are written by those who are professional counselors or physcologists. I don't know if it will ever get published, or even finished for that matter but if it does I hope that it will be used to supplement, not replace the real experts in the area like Dr. Harley and others.

I might recommend an excellent book that I read in addition to those written by the man. Torn Asunder by Dave Carder is an excellent resource that is mostly similar to Dr. Harley's teachings but puts more of a christian perspective on the recovery process and covers some areas of recover and personal discovery better than the Harley books...IMHO. It is hard to find (try Amazon) but well worth the wait for the postal system.

NT

sometimes knowing what the right thing to do and actually doing it is so damn hard...

i know i am better off now financially...

i know i have a better relationship with my kids now than i ever have...

i know i will be much better off in the future....

i know the odds of my X affair re-marriage surviving and being happy are pretty slim....

i know i have a woman in my life now that LOVES me for who and what i am....

i know i wasnt perfect and tried my hardest to save my marriage....

I KNOW I NEED TO FORGIVE MY X, i say the words but i lack the feelings....this is my struggle....

i know what i need to do...doing it with meaning and meaning what i do..(i like that! ;-) ) is the hard part...

yes...i WAS victimized...but i need to stop feeling like a victim, because in reality...she SOOOO traded down!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

thanks for the book idea...ill see if i can find it at barnes and noble or something!