Ok as yall know DS is having a very hard time with everthing going on. He is refusing to go to school and is acting out and playing his father and I against each other.

Telling his dad he wants to live with him and then telling me he wants to live with me.

This morning he again refused to go to school. I tried everything to get him there. I tried talking to him and explaining what the consequeces for not going are. Finally I said to him DS I need to know what is it you want to do? I need to know where you want to be, with me or your dad. He jumped up and said fine i wil leave right now.

I was shocked I said what are you talking about I just asked you a question. He took off out the front door and said FU. I was shocked DS has never spoken to me like that. I got in th car and tried to get him to come back so we could talk and he would not budge. He just kept walking.

Anyhow i called WH and told him what was up. He said BS I am in Texas right now but I will see if I can get a run back and try and talk to him. I told WH we have got to figure out something to get this child in counseling. He said I know he needs it and i have told him that.

I also told WH that I do not want DS living in Cache with him and OW. He said why, I said because he does not need to be living wth you and your A partner. I said not only that you are not home everyday and so how does living with you change anything. WH says to me well there is more going on with DS than just whats happening between you and I. I told him maybe so but what is happening plays a very big part in it.

I also told him DS just does not want to go to school so being wih you won't matter anyhow. He said well one thing about Cache schools is if he does not show up they will call th parnet. I said so what your not there, but he said OW is ,I said she is not his parent. She has nothing to do with any descions regarding DS.

So anyhow WH just called me back. DS went to Home Depot and called him. DS told him he wants to move in with him and he is not coming back home. You know as bad as I hate it maybe I need to let him go. WH said BS just let him try he will probably come back to you. So during all of this conversation and my crying about DS, WH was very concerned about how i was feeling. He then started talking about the past and when we first married and the kids as babies. He talked about how much he had loved me and when we were together.

So I asked him what is DS doing now is he coming home or what? He said I will call back and see what he is going to do. I said well I guess then our trip for the weekend is off. He said I don't know but I;ll find out. Next thing I know he said wow I need to clean my truck out what don't you come down to Texas and do it for me. I said I don't think so, not my job. I then said to him I think part of the problem with DS is that I work so much and no time for him. I then said but I don't have any choice i have to work.

So now here i am loosing my son as well as my husband to another woman. I know him going out there is the wrong thing but I also know if I force him to stay with me the problems will just escualte and he will push more. So I have to let go. I don't have a choice, because he will just run and make things even harder.

How much more will my life disentegrate???


Hurting

Call the police. Very simple. A truant officer will be out to pick him up. He is a minor and does NOT get the option of whether he wants to go to school or not.

Hurting,
DS is hurting real bad. You are just beginning to see the hurt he has suppressed, and it's turning to anger. He doesn't know where to go. He knows he belongs with you both, thats what he is used to, but he knows he can't live at 2 places at the same time.
He needs some good counsel and lots of prayers. I was 15 when my dad died...I could not think to go to school. That is what DS is going through, it does feel like a death has taken place to DS. It's so sad. Call the school, and talk to the guidance counselor there, so they will know what is going on, and they can be there to help. They understand these things.
This is the kindof stuff that makes me so angry. In all his pride...He couldn't possibly believe he is the reason for DS's pain... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I know watching DS's pain is hard on you to Hurting...You are doing the best you can do.

Lady

Ok guys WH just called me back DS refuses to come back here.

He says he wants to go with me this weekend still but he does not want to come back here.

I know I can make him come home but I am telling you know if I force this he will just rebell even more. I do know my son well enough to know that it won't take long before he rebells against OW and will end up not getting along with her DD. Plus with his dad being gone all the time I believe it will make him see things are not what he thinks they are.

I just called my attorney and on his advice he says to let DS make this choice and let him see tha being there is not what he thinks it will be.Not only that at his age the court would take what he wants into account on where he wants to live. I didn't ask about the money aspect of this but he said if he cuts off paying you any money right now let him know because right now what I am getting is SS not child support and he has to have a court order to stop paying. So if WH stops paying they will call his attorney and let him know.

I am just so hurt right now I can't think straight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have called the school and they are no help. They don't have a truant officer, all they do is turn the parent over to the DA and I will be charged with him not going to school and have to pay a 250.00 fine.

DS still wants to go this weekend but now I feel like he is using me to get what he wants and then go back to his dad.

I just don't know how I can do this anymore......

Hurting,

Your lawyer is right....I had to do the same thing when DD21 was 14, I had just divorced at that time. And she wanted her dad....NOW!!! No matter what a druggie/criminal he was, it didn't matter to her. I had to bring her back a few times with the help of the juvenile interstate compact. At 16 they couldn't help any more. Then she returned home on her own at 16. Then she went again at age 18. Her dad was put in jail the day she got there...Thank God!! Then he was transfered to prison. That was 3 yrs ago, he gets out next month and wants her to pick him up from the Federal prison in CO to take him to the halfway house he will live in. He continually asks her for money, but she says "no." He never paid a dime in child support all her life!!

Divorce is so hard on the kids...let alone us. They just handle things in a different way. Keeping DS from his own destruction at this time is the best thing you can do.

I'm surprised the school won't help in some way...ei...a guidance counselor, someone!!!!

Just tell him he needs to be in school tomorrow or he will be standing in front of a judge, does he want that??

Lady

Hurting-
So sorry you are having to deal with all this added drama
and stress. Does sound like DS is having a very hard time
with the situation and doesn't know what to do about it,
so is "acting out".

Do you have a trusted family friend, relative, minister
or someone that could talk to DS ? Would talking to your
older son or daughter help ? MIL, SIL ??
Glad that WH is trying to be helpful, however since it's
his lifestyle and decision that have led to this, I don't
know how objective he can be. Why does he even want DS to
live with him, considering he is gone so much ?
Why would OW want DS to live with them, especially if there's going to be problems with him not going to school,
etc??

If you can get DS to come home, maybe you could have a talk
in a very calm, cool manner explaining how you feel about
everything, asking him how/why he is feeling as he is, and
diffuse his anger enough to be able to get him to talk to
you. If he still wants to stay with WH, and you let him
go enough to do so, I'll bet it won't last long- can't even imagine why DS would want to stay with WH when he's rarely there and DS would be with OW most of the time - yuck !!!

I know you've had to deal with an awful lot, Hurting, but
your strong, and will weather this storm too.
Hugs-
Slammed

I think you need to go to his school and speak directly to the Principal and the guidance counselor. Tell them your situation and make them help you.

Can you go to where your son is right now and talk to him? Not ask him to come home or yell at him, but talk to him? I feel like you need to be there for him. Children that age are so hard to read, especially boys. I have a 16 year old son myself. He is heavily involved in sports so I am glad. Does your son do any extracurricular activites?

I think your son saying he wants to go with you this weekend is a good sign. Whether he is using you or not, he will be with you and you two will be having fun. Take that time to reconnect with your son. Maybe he will open up to you about his feelings. He has been through a lot! His father leaving, his Mom going to work and all his sister's trouble. Take this weekend alone to regain your sons trust.

All of this is JMO of course! I feel for your son and know that you are a good Mom and are only doing what is best for him.

Thinking of you and praying for you today!

My problem with this is your H being on the road.

I'm going to sound cold but YOU CANNOT ALLOW YOUR SON TO BE RAISED BY THE OW....

I don't care what anybody says...your lawyer..your WH...or anybody...

This is ALL ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS BOY WAS ABANDONED BY HIS FATHER..which is like a death..He is seeing his MALE ROLE MODEL..the primary man in his life..act in a wrongful, indecent and immoral fashion..

Stand up, Hurting...

Tell your son that you will not allow him to stay there..If it were me, it would be over my dead body...

I think your son reacted to your questioning him about where he wants to stay...

It hurts him that he has to THINK ABOUT THIS..PERIOD...

He wants to STAY WITH THE BOTH OF YOU...

What is best for your son is for his Dad to come home....

This makes me ANGRY too.

That is BULLCRAP for your WH to say that this is NOT ALL ABOUT HIS AFFAIR...

Don't buy that BULL...THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIS AFFAIR.....

I hear all of you and I agree with everthing.

The problem is I know my son and if I tell him he can't go he will run and go anyway.

Part of me says allow him to go and see its not what he thinks it is and the other sane part says make him stay here but I know he would just rebell more...

BULL...you can't allow your son to control you in this fashion...BEEN THERE DONE THAT...

IMO, it is your job to make decisions that are in his best interest..especially since he is currently emotionally unstable.

I agree with Lost. I don't think you should yell at him but be assertive. Talk to him about this on your trip.

"Because I love you..I cannot allow you to live under those circumstances...or whatever"

Mimi,

He is already gone. When he walked ut this morning he went straight to her and called his dad....

I called my attorney and he said I could make him stay here but a judge will more than likely listen to him since he is almost 16 and nothing I cna probably do ..... He is old enough to decide where he wants to live.

So I am in between a rock and a hard spot here....

Here I go again, Hurting...putting myself in your shoes. I'm sorry. But if it were me..and believe me..I have been in really horrendous situations having to do with both of my sons...If it were me, I wouldn't care what a judge said or a lawyer said to me today..I WOULD NOT ALLOW MY SON TO LIVE WITH HER..IF HE CHOSE TO DO THAT AFTER I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO KEEP HIM FROM THERE, INCLUDING TALKING TO HIM, AS WE HAVE SUGGESTED TO YOU, I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO LET HIM GO...I MEAN LET HIM GO AND I WOULD TELL HIM THAT..BECAUSE HE IS DISRESPECTING YOU BIG TIME..LIKE SLAPPING YOU IN THE FACE!!!

Hurting,

I agree with Mimi, do not allow him to go.

DS may just be ranting anyway out of hurt and anger. He wants his feelings and needs known. I don't think he feels comfortable enough to live with OW though. He would feel so out of place there. More than he does now.

You might need to negotiate though, and tell him that it would be alright to spend every weekend with WH while he is in town. WH could pick him up each morning, take him OTR in the summer as much as he would like, etc...

Remind him, that there is only so much time dad is in town anyway, but you will allow him to stay with him as much as possible when he is in town, just not overnights, remind him he only sleeps at night anyway, and then dad will be there in the morning to pick him up.

Let him know you understand how much it hurts....how hard these changes in life have been on him. Sometimes he will just need to cry. Just hold him when he does, don't say a word when he cries, just tell him you understand and you are there for him.

Lady

I have said all of these things to him.

I told him how this makes me feel he just does not care at this point. He does not care that his not going to school will cause me legal probems and money I don't have.....

He just does not care at this time.....

Mimi,
why are you yelling at her? She is hurting. Do you not realize that in most states, one parent can not keep a child from moving in with the other parent after the child is of a certain age? In my state that age is 14.

What is she supposed to do? Go tackle a kid that is bigger than her and drag him home? Or maybe this morning when he left her she was supposed to hold a gun on him?

How do you suggest she not let him leave? Wait, I know, she'll reason with him. Reasoning works with teens about like with toddlers.






Hopefully, once he is there, he'll realize the grass is not as green in that pasture.

Hurting,

He may cool off and come to his senses by the end of the day. I hope so. Maybe he just needed to talk to his dad at the moment.

Just be up in the morning ready to take him to school. Nice breakfast on the table, and put a few bucks in his pocket, and tell him to have a great day!!

Lady

I'm not yelling at Hurting.

I'm MAD AT HER HUSBAND...

I suggested for her to TALK to him. He will listen. He has a bond with his Mom.

Hurting,

I'm encouraging you not to hand him over to them. I'm concerned about your WH being out on the road as I said before. Plus, a WH is not a good role model and is likely not able to be a good parent.

I really feel for your son...

Hurting - he does care. He is hurting right now. You have to realize this. Think how you feel about your WH moving out and in with OW. Your son feels 100 times worse. He wants his father's approval. He is not intentionally trying to hurt you. He is trying to gain his father's approval.

Be the adult and talk to your child. Put your feelings aside for now and focus on him. Right now he is at WH and OW house which is the worst place for him but you have to make him want to move back in with you.

It is Tuesday now, do you leave for your trip this weekend? If I were you I would tell my son that he can stay at WH house this week as long as he goes to school every day. Then when you are away alone with him you can really talk to him and LISTEN to him.

In my opinion this is a cry for help. Be his Mom and help him see that his life is safe no matter what happens wih you and his father.

I feel for you Hurting, but I really feel for your son.

Take Care.