Spouse involved in EA. Maybe PA. Wants divorce. I don't. I feel I have no choice. I'm being subjected to do something don't want to do. Lawyer said if spouse files I have to go along, no option like contest. How do you cope with being forced to do something you don't want?

I'm sorry to hear your going thru this.

More details required:

Are you the husband or wife ?

involved in EA ? How do you know ?

Has A been exposed ?

Sounds like the wrong lawyer - you can fight, but it is not something any lawyer can guarantee a victory.

Have you read thru the material on this site ?

I guess it all depends on your jurisdiction.

Here's something it took me way too long to truly get. If she wants to go, you can't stop her. I'm sure at this point you are fully aware of many of your shortcomings as a H. Doesn't matter. If your WW is like mine, she's trying to shift the blame for what she's doing NOW onto you. It's not yours, and it doesn't fit you.

You can say sorry for what you did or didn't do in the past, but you can't change her mind. Only she can.

So, let go.

By all means, if you really do see ways that you can be a better person than you were, then make those changes in yourself, but realize, if you're changing *to get her to stay* then you're attempting to manipulate her (indirectly) and she'll feel controlled.

Let go.

If she's still living at home, be a better person, but don't fret about what she will or won't do. That's not anything you can control. You'll die inside trying if you don't let go.

If she's moved out, go on with your life. Your advantage is that, despite the pain that you're feeling and I guess she's not, you're able to think more-or-less clearly, and she's clueless. At some point, she'll probably ask herself if she made the right decision, and then she'll look at you and see a confident person who is living a life connected to reality.

If she doesn't come back, the self-respect you'll get through setting your boundaries will help you tremendously.

You may not be ready for this advice right now. At some point you will.

Good luck, and God bless you.

I am the W. Found some communication. H knows, says it's nothing. Need to move on, but can't. In so much pain.

Hire an investigator and find out the facts. Document. Put a GPS on his vehicle.

Get your own safety deposit box and start putting cash in there ... as well as other important documents.

Drag your feet legally, if you so desire. If your H says "sign these papers" ... put them into the safety deposit box un-signed.


No need to make the path to a divorce you don't want fast or smooth.

Think strategically and do not allow yourself to be steamrolled by emotions.

Speak to your physician and get tested for STDs and ask for something for anxious depression symptoms.

Got tested for STD's. Am on medication. There's no hope. He said it's definitely over. Moved out. He wants to move on maybe with some OW if the chance arises. Blames all on me. Says he never was happy in 18 years.

Dear PLK,
I am so sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place to be under these circumstances.

Have you read surviving an affair? That should be your first step on this road. Read all of it and read everything on the site as well.

You need to read everything on Plan A.

WS tend to re-write history as in he was not happy in 18 years. That is part of the script.

You have been married for 18 years, I see. Do you have children? How old are they?

Do you know who the OW is? I suppose since he moved out, the A is ongoing?

There is a lot of discussion about exposure on the site. Exposre is an efective took for breaking up an affair. It is also a big part of Plan A.

If you know who she is, is she married? If so, her spouse must be exposed to.

Do they work together? If so, the HR dept or supervisor must be told.

Are there other infulential people in your husband's life such as parents, pastor, close friends, who might be able to have some pull with him? They should also be exposed to.

Don't just lay down and give up. read everything you can and keep coming here for encouraement and to vent.

Giving us more information may help us know how to advise you better.

Hang in there

PLK, it is not over and there is ALWAYS HOPE. Many say this when they are in an affair but they often come back to the marriage when the affair dies. Just because he says it is "definitely over" does not mean it is.

If you can bust up this affair, there is a strong chance you can save your marriage. Do you want to save your marriage?

Have 2 kids, high school, elementary school age. Woman is co worker in different branch. Married. Don't know if it's still going on, I assume so. Only EA as far as I know. Mostly phone calls. I want marriage to work, he said no way. Moved out. Said will file soon. I am heartbroken.

I read plan A and B. H denies it's not an affair, either EA or PA. Sas just friends. How can it end if he doesn't acknowledge?
How do I get him back?

PLK,

I am a relative newbie to the site, but have already learned a great deal of information from some very knowledgeable people. I was not keen on it myself, but you are going to have to dig for any information you can find to expose the A. I would not believe that my W could ever do such a thing, but you have to remember that the person you see before you is not your H. Expose, Expose, Expose. That is the only way to make the fog start to lift. Again I am not an expert, but IMHO Exposure is your key.