This is where MB could take a lesson from AA or Al-Anon
newbies are actively DIScouraged from mentoring other newbies ....
newbies are advised to get a sponsor
a sponsor with experience and know-how
I like that idea - I think it would work well for both the WS and the BS, since the BS often has to wake up to a reality they don't want to face (I know I did...and in some ways probably still have things to wake up to).
I have noticed that given threads do seem to attract a "core" group of posters, and this "core" group does change from thread to thread, so there appears to be some level of sponsorship in some cases.
I've been following this thread since it started. It's been...interesting, to say the least. I'm definately a newbie around here (registered late December last year), and I don't think MP and I are quite in recovery yet...
When I came to the boards, exposure had pretty much already been done - I had done some, and MP had done some. Does everybody know? Nope. In fact, very, very few know
all the details and backstory. In our case, it didn't (at least so far) do much to end the affair.
What it did do, and I haven't seen that addressed much in this thread, was get MP and myself a
lot of support and prayer. Support of
us, as a married couple, and our marriage - not support of the affair or the actions we
both took that led to our marriage being ripe for an affair - by either one of us.
Has the exposure fractured friendships? In some cases, yes. Are the fractures unrepairable? I don't believe so. Has MP indicated any resentment to me for exposing to the people I did? Not that I can see - and we're still in the trying to firmly establish NC phase.
I don't think anyone on this board is going to say exposure is guaranteed to end an affair. It's not. But it will certainly put pressure on it and make it harder to continue.
The key, in my extremely limited experience, is what several have said already. It needs to be done with the idea of ending the affair, not out of a desire for revenge or to hurt the WS. You're exposing the affair because you love your spouse and want it to end so you can rebuild your marriage - if someone you expose to doesn't understand that or won't support it, that's
their choice.
I personally don't see a problem with exposing the affair to friends and family and church, while simultaneously defending your spouse (
not their actions) and making it very clear that you love them and will fight for your marriage.
MP (Magpie, my wife) used to post here. She got hammered just as hard as many of the other FWWs that post here. I can see now, which I couldn't then, where some of the posters where coming from. I still don't agree with
how some things were said, both to me and MP, but I have a better understanding of where the posters where coming from.
Sometimes (again, this is from my own personal experience), you have to step back and give what you hear/read a few days to settle in. The truth can hurt, and it takes time to accept the truth for what it is.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have done exposure pretty much at once, to a very targeted group of people. As it was, exposure happened over a period of 2 months, and was pretty much done by the time I found MB. I would target people who could influence MP, as well as people that could give me support.
As far as being in a fog, either as a BS or a WS, I agree that it is a state, not a name. MrsWondering has offered some of her older posts to show how a FWW goes through the process and how their perspective and understanding can change. I would highly recommend reading one of her older threads to see how her position changed - I have (the one where she contacted OM for closure, IIRC).
To my fellow newbies, whichever side of the fence you are on, try and listen to what the other posters say. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, or do what they advise - indeed, you will occassionally get conflicting advice. But really - if you want to save your marriage, and you have people who have gone through what you are going through, what do you have to lose by earnestly listening? Ultimately only you can decide what course of action you will take and you think will work - but when you're in a game with such high stakes, why not give consideration to all possible paths?
