I am not Tunk, I am using her name until I can get logged in.My name is arielle89. I have been married for almost 14 years, have 2 children. I have left my husband(and his twin 14 yr. old sons because my husband was emotionally abusive and very controlling of me and my children(13 yr.old daughter, 12 yr. old son).For some reason I still love him, I am still having sex with him but I dont want to move back in.I am a stronger Christian than ever before. I had a deep hope and was praying that he would take a look at himself and realize what he had been doing and seek out counselling/therapy for himself. As time goes by, I realize he is not going to take accountability for his actions.We have been separated for almost two months. We had gone thru marrige counselling thru the years at 3 different times, I have been praying, reading Christian self-help books, I went thru counselling by myself, I even moved out last June in hopes that he would wake up. I know that I tried everything and I know that moving out had to be done for me and my children. Still I am really struggling with the reality of filing for divorce. I cry everytime I think about doing it but I dont want to go back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />I can get a free lawyer from legal aid after being separated for 2 months( free because I stayed for 2 days in the aware shelter a place for physically and verbally abused women).I am having such a hard time with the finality of divorce papers.

I don't have any advice on whether you should file or not. I do have some questions though. What happened in your marriage counseling? Does he refuse to go to counseling? Does he want you back? There are many unanswered questions in your post that might shed more light on your future options.

That being said, I do NOT think anyone should submit her/him self OR CHILDREN to abuse. If you truly believe it's abuse, you MUST let your logical mind overrule your heart and protect yourself and your children. This does not mean you have to file for divorce... it does mean you need to be apart until (or unless) HE is willing to change his behavior.

I am not the best one to advise on this, because I personally don't hold out much hope for abusers to change. But that's just my experience... maybe some others can chime in here with different views on this.

The first time we went to marriage counselling(1995), the counselor referred my h to a pyschiatrist cuz she suspected he was bipolar. He went to 6 sessions , was diagnosed manic depressant, prescribed Prozac. He stayed on prozac for a year(a very pleasant yaer)then decided he didnt need prozac, it wasnt working, he doesnt need help,etc... He stopped taking prozac and the bad temper and abuse came back. Then about 97, I sought a counsellor for myself. We had been married 5 years and I felt like we should be getting closer and stronger but all we did was fight and he had a bad temper, he was always twisting things around, blaming me for things that I know i wasnt doing. He agreed to come to counselling with me but after our appointments he would start accusing me of "ganging up on him w/ the C and "we're just pointing the finger", bla bla bla. He quit going. I continued bymself. I gained my self-esteem thru counsel and I stood up to him therafter, not letting him control me and stop me from being w/ friends, going out w/out him, Dress the way I want, etc. When I married him I was 20 and had a low self image. He had a bad temper, had issues w/not trusting me even though I did nothing to make himfeel that way.I let him control me at first. Then a cuople years ago he agreed to go to a pastor for marr. couns.because I said it was over if we didnt. For a while it went well, he controlled his temper better, we were getting along, then we had 1 counselling appointment where I had written down my feelings to read to him at the appt.(because I got too flustered to tlak to him) and after that appt. he started the same story again. "You set me up, You didnt want me to talk". I wanted to read it w/out interuption but the pastor let him interject everything.So he quit going to counselling because he claims that it wasnt working anyway because "youll never change and look at what you do". He plays mind games and twists the blame. No, he doesnt want me back. I tell him I left because of how he treated me and he says well, what about how you treated me? I didnt treat him bad. I would have done anything for him if would even appreciate it.Arielle89

Hi Arielle- When I read your story I immediately thought of an excellent book I know of- It's called "Why Does he Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This author has worked in a program for men with anger issues.Unfortunately abusive and anger issues are very deeply rooted and a person really has to want to commit to serious treatment to uncover the layers of why they are abusive. I hope you will find the confidence within yourself to protect your emotional well-being and conentrate on your future. Take care- Nancy

I have two suggestions that may seem like they contradict.

1) Get away from him. No sex, no contact. Look at plan B on some of the marriage indexes. You have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children.

2) You may always love your H. As a Christian, I don't think you should file until you feel that God places that desire in your heart. I know that I still love my WH but I feel that God has released me from my marriage. Once you get some distance from your H this decision may become more clear.

You may also want to see if DivorceCare is offered at a church near you. It's good for people that are separated or going through divorce.

I know you must be missing your SS's as well. Hold in there.