I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life after mutual affairs, and need some advice on how to proceed. I am ready for the "I told you so's" that I am sure will come.
Let me start with some background. I found MB 3 1/2 years ago when I was the BS, having found out my H of 13 years was involved in an A. I was devistated and was determined to do what ever it took to get my H home again despite objections from family and friends. I persisted and after a 3 month seperation, my H moved home. I did everything I could to keep him happy, giving 150% to the marriage. So many people said I don't know how you do it, but I did and he said the next 2 years were the happiest of his life. I thought I was happy too, although I was the one who made all the changes, all the concessions, but I didn't care.
I have always suffered from low self-esteem, and his A further intensified that. While I went with him every night to the bar/club he frequented, I met many of his friends and started to enjoy myself. I met a younger man there who I became friends with (introduced by H), and we got closer and closer. He told me all the things H never did. He made me feel pretty, sexy, desirable, wanted, and the fog rolled in. Before I knew it, I was involved in my own A. It was not for retaliation. I honestly believed I was in love with the man, and he with me. I could see the fog so clearly in H's A, but not at all in mine.
I would never have left H, and I never wanted to hurt him, but I didn't want to give up OM either. I even posted here about being involved in A and not wanting to end it. (Something I received a lot of negative comments for, but which I was just being honest about and trying to understand my feelings). H eventually found out. He said he knew for months, but he never said anything. Maybe if he said "I know", it would have shocked me into reality, but he didn't and I was deep in the fog. 5 months ago, H left me. He always said he would if I was unfaithful. I never believed he would. I asked him not to, I asked him to stay and try to work things out, but he is stubborn and he left. At first I was a little relieved, figured I could sort out my own feelings, but the relief was short lived. At the same time, OM decided he didn't want blamed for breaking up my marriage and broke off our relationship. I am not placing all the blame on him, I knew what I was doing, but he WAS the one who initiated it, persued it, and keep reinforcing my doubts about H's fidelity, telling me he was suspicious about H and other women, even offered to pay for a PI to see if we could catch him at it. And I believed it, fell for it, trusted him, and loved him. I felt betrayed again.
The past 5 months I have had to face many things alone. When H and I reconciled, I was forced to make a choice between him and my family. My parents and siblings couldn't forgive him for his A and couldn't accept the fact that I did. I was welcome in their homes, but he wasn't. So, I chose him, leaving my once close family and I estranged. Now I was facing the breakup of my marriage, the breakup of my daughter's marriage (she is living with me now. Drugs and abuse involved for her and she has had a rough time), and last month, the death of my father. I have had to come to terms with the loss of the past 3 years and that time that I could have spent with my father, but gave to H instead. I have gone to counceling and have been able to accept the things that I cannot change, but it still hurts. (By the way, H wouldn't even come to the funeral home and that hurt. OM did call and offer support which I appreciated).
In the past 5 months, H and I have gotten through the anger and the fights. He has filed for divorce. He has dated and I have gotten jealous and I have dated and he has gotten jealous. I told him to look me in the eye and tell me it was over and I needed to go on, I needed it for closure and he did, and then that night he invited me to his apartment and we spent the night together. Since that time, we have spent many nights together. We seem to enjoy each others company. I want to reconcile. So, what's the problem?
He doesn't know if he wants to or not. He still gets mad at me for my A. He doesn't know if he can ever trust me again. He doesn't know if he can forgive me. I told him I have experienced all of these feeling too. That we can work together to re-establish trust. I told him he can manage all the finances, he can have full access to my cell phone bills, and that I won't go back to the club where both of our A's started. His first wife cheated on him and after 2 years they called it quits. He feels like history is repeating itself, but I am not his first wife, nothing like her. He admits he loves me, that I was everything he wanted and the best wife he could have hoped for up until last year. He said he will never find anyone like me. But he doesn't know if he can do it. He likes not having to answer to anyone. He sits at the bar 7 nights a week and drinks, and he likes it that way.
I still have issues. I know he lies to me even yet. Example: I found a birthday card his girlfriend gave him, all "how much I love you". When I asked him if she gave him a BD card, he said "NO". So, if he lies about little things, he will probably lie about big things, and he is a very good liar. I, on the other hand, have been as open and honest as I can be, even when the honesty hurts. But I am willing to take the chance. How do I convince him that we can make it work if we both are willing to try, and that I was hurt just as much as he was, that he is not the only one who has been wronged in this relationship, but that I am still willing to try to make it work, that he needs to give ME the chance. He refuses counseling.
Is there anyone out there who has gone through similar experiences who has been able to make it work? Someone who can give advice that might make him see everything more clearly. My boss said to me that "it's not as important to find someone you want to live your life with, but rather someone you can't live your life without. I am beginning to feel this way about H as we keep going back to each other. He just has to be willing to let go of his issues and go with his feelings.
