Last Wednesday, on the pretext of wanting to see if we could just communicate for a little while, my WH invited me out for a drink. I went, open minded, clam and willing to listen. I listned to 45 minutes of him blasting me for everything I'd done, for exposing the affair to OW's WH, he was angry that she had gone NC with him and was blaming me. I told him that I would be ready to listen and talk to him about reconcilling our marriage, that I would go back to couseling with him. But I was not going to sit there and take the emotional abuse he was inflicting on me. I finally got up and left, hurt, angry with tears streaming down my face. He called twice that night afterwords. I turned off the cell phone, took the home phone off the hook and went to bed. He called the next morning on my DD's cell to tell me somethign was wrong with the house phone because he couldn't get through. I calmly said - I know. He got all defensive, how did I know - what had I done. I simply told him I didn't want to talk to him. I hung up the cell phone. And told my DD that if he called back she had 2 choices, answer and if he asked for me tell him I don't wish to talk, or just not answer it. He did call back - she didn't answer it.
That was Thursday am, I did not speak to him until Monday when he called me at work. He wanted to come over a get the motorcycle out, wash it and take pictures because we are selling it. I said fine, but please be gone when I get home. He was still there at 5:00 when I came home. He said hello and came over to talk to me, I said hello and kept walking into the house. After putting the bike away, he came into the house. Dinner was ready, the kids were washing up, and he was standing in the kitchen looking at me. I quite simply said He needed to leave, that he was not welcome in this home.
Yesterday he called me 4 times - all about silly things, and then last night he sent this email:
Yes Jan I had started to juggle some other thoughts in my head this morning,
but I could not find any constructive way to express them. I still wanted to
tell my story and have that mean something and that's just plain stupid
because that approach stifles communication.
In the end, I need to face facts that from your point of view I can have no
reason or excuse for loving another woman. You hurt horrifically for my
transgression and nothing I will ever say can take that experience away or
create some magical "understanding" between us.
Beyond that, I think I need to get out of your way. You ought to have a
devotee and lover of your soul. As for having me in that role, I don't think
I will ever become more than a routine-ist, just going through the motions
of date nights and motorcycle trips to keep the peace. You certainly ought
to have better than that. Besides, with me, you will always find yourself
competing with my writing or my music or my business or my political
aspirations or some other such thing, even if you don't have to compete with
Susan any longer.
I need to be plain old me. If that's selfish, so be it. I don't have the
energy or the will to keep up insincere appearances any longer and besides
you don't need that confusion in your life. It would seem to me you need a
little clarity (at least from me) for a change.
I could wish for some more elegant solution to all these dilemmas than going
through a divorce. Still, all in all, it seems the better path. A path which
let's me write and live in peace and a path which gives you at least a
chance at happiness with someone else.
I'm sorry, but I think that's about the best I can do given all the
circumstances involved and maybe such frankness helps create a little bit of
understanding between us. At least I would hope so.
May you find the love and peace you seek.
With my best attempt at respectful sincerity (I hope this letter comes
across that way),
Bill
The only response I gave him was a text message that said - got your email. FYI - i never competed with Susan, I competed with your fantasy.
He called last night - a fifth time and asked if I had sent the text message twice, or had I meant to send something else. For some reason it came through twice. I simply said no I hadn't. He sarcastically said - well I am sorry to ruin you evening. I said you haven't and hung up.
This is weird!
I tune him out, finally feel good and safe in the world I am creating, and he's contacting me. I mean for the last several months most phone calls were initiated my me and ended with me crying. But now - I really don't want to hear from the WH anymore - I want to hear form my DH! And I am fine with no contact with him right now - and I think he's confused.
SO - I kept my cool, feel great - now what do I do?
