wh has returned home after a while of being out of the house, saying he will commit to working on the M.

He has changed his email passwords and I asked him to give me the new one and he refuses. Do I continue to insist that he do this as a term of reconciliation (i.e. open book policy, etc.)???

I have tried to explain to him that although he insists, I cannot trust him until he attempts to rebuild trust via actions instead of words.

How do I explain to him what form these actions must take? He says if I continue to demand his password, that he will leave for good. Of course, I do not want to push him further away.

How do I repair this sitch, or should I stand firm in wanting access to the email account?

D-day was 2 months ago.

THANK YOU!!!!

Hi can't....you didn't page me, but I hope you won't mind if I weigh in.

wh has returned home after a while of being out of the house, saying he will commit to working on the M.

Sounds like he's calling all the shots....leaves when he wants, returns when he wants....meets no conditions for reconciliation.

He has changed his email passwords and I asked him to give me the new one and he refuses. Do I continue to insist that he do this as a term of reconciliation (i.e. open book policy, etc.)???

"Insist"? No. Enforce your boundaries? Yes. What's the difference? Well one is about him and one is about you. Let him know that opening his life to you is non-negotiable if reconciliation is going to occur.

Harley said this on his radio show: "“Now, what we have to do is create an environment where you’re not going to have another affair. And it’s going to be very restrictive, at least at first. You’re basically going to be watched 24 hours a day. You’re not going to be able to do and say what you want to say. It’s just like with helping a person overcome addiction to alcohol. You can’t be working in a bar when you are trying to recover from being an alcoholic.

If he refuses to give you his passwords....then please tell him he is not ready to recommit to the marriage because there will be an uncomfortable period of time where rebuilding trust will mean that he has to be completely accountable for time, money, whereabouts and his life will be an open book. It's the natural consequence of infidelity....and without it....you simply aren't going to feel safe enough to also recommit.

I have tried to explain to him that although he insists, I cannot trust him until he attempts to rebuild trust via actions instead of words.

"Explaining" things to a fogged spouse is about has useful as him explaining to you that you don't need his passwords. You must ALSO demonstrate with action what your words mean....rather than explain....act in your own best interest. You are not safe and until he is willing to truly recommit, do not accept or settle for half commitment. He KNOWS why you need it....that's why he won't give it to you. He's not ready for accountability....because he's still hiding secrets. And he won't GET ready if you take him back without it.

How do I explain to him what form these actions must take?

"Surviving an Affair" has very good guidelines for compensation and "extraordinary precautions" after an affair. You can also find them on the main site.

He says if I continue to demand his password, that he will leave for good. Of course, I do not want to push him further away.

This is where you are paralyzed. You're so worried about pushing him away....and so worried about losing him...that you will be paralyzed from making the important steps that will safeguard your marriage. Dr. Phil says "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." If you backdown...you will continue to have the vulnerable marriage you already had and you will not feel safe or recover. Let him leave chere....if that's what it takes for him to understand that you will protect yourself from his duplicity by having these safeguards in place. You have a right to protect yourself from more pain and only accountability will help him overcome the temptations that affairs create. If her were strong enought to resist temptation on his own....he never would have strayed in the first place.

How do I repair this sitch,

He is the one who must repair this sitch...not you.

or should I stand firm in wanting access to the email account?

Stand firm on all of the conditions for reconciliation....if you don't....you give away your power and your protection and you set yourself up for more pain.

((((((((((((((((((can't)))))))))))))))))))

Excellent post, starfish!! Here are the guidelines to which starfish referred:

Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Great post st*rfish. Thanks.

cantgiveup, Hang in there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for the late response. Starfish did an excellent job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So what do you think about her input?

L.