I posted sometime ago, about my WS's affair with a co-worker. She supposedly ended it last year (2005) in Nov. Twice. Then again (for real this time!) in Dec. She made a point of getting him a BD gift, but completely overlooked my BD, which is in early Dec. However, the last time she "ended it", I guess I wanted to believe it was true. She came home from her 'final meeting' with the OM, all smiles, saying that she'd been worried that ending it would hurt his feelings (apparently mine were free for the hurting), but when she realized he was OK with it, she was OK with it.
I was really beginning to believe that things were truly over, and she was recommitting to our marriage, when early in the new year she all of a sudden was spending time out with friends I'd never heard of before. The alarm bells started going off. Then an e-mail from the OM showed up in our in-box. When I questioned her on it, she claimed she'd sent him an article on cats (he has one, apparently...), that'd she'd come across on the net. I wasn't supposed to be upset, as there was obviously nothing sexual in the note. (??!!) I pointed out there was supposed to NC and that sending him e-mails violated that agreement. Of course I was the one with problem, right??
She's now deployed overseas. (we're both in the military) The last few weeks before she left were VERY tense between us. She spent the last Saturday night she was 'home', away from the house overnight, with some 'girlfriends'. (These mysterious friends I'd never heard of before recently...) I suspected then, and am convince now, that she spent the night with the OM. She announced her plans to spend the night away, and when I told her that if she did that, I'd be hurt and angry, she accused me of "trying to control her, like I always did".
The morning of the big send off, her OM was there. (a couple of hundred people were leaving that morning, so could have been a coincidence, but I didn't see it that way...and I still believe I was right...), and I actually caught then chatting each other up. I was furious, but due to the amount of friends and family there to see her off, kept my cool. She knew I was pissed though.
She called me later that morning from the local airport (they'd yet to depart) telling me she'd "accidentally" forgotten to leave her cellphone at home. Later that month, when I received her cellphone bill in the mail (I always pay the bills, so there's no way she couldn't have known I'd see it!), I see she made 18 calls to him, in a matter of just over the last three weeks she was home. Enough was enough.
I called the OM, and told him I knew what had been going on, and that I wanted him to back off, because what he was doing was destroying my family. Later that night (much later...the middle of the night, with the time difference) my WS called me from overseas, to dump on me for calling her OM!!!!!!!! He'd obviously e-mailed her immediately after my call. She warned me against calling him again. Its not like I was planning on making a habit of it. I just wanted this jerk to know that I wasn't an idiot, and knew what was going on. (I was also hoping that with the OM knowing I knew, some of the luster might wear off the relationship...) I was dumbfounded.
The next couple of calls were rather tense, but eventually she sent me an e-mail explaining that while she was still a little miffed at me, she had cooled down. (Like SHE was the one with the right to be angry!!)
Just recently I found out that she was hospitalized. The funny thing was, after she called to tell me, while I'd have normally been beside myself with worry, I rolled over, turned out the light, and went right back to sleep, and gave it little thought. That's when I realized the worm had turned, as they say. I realized that my feelings toward her had changed. I'm not sure if I'm not in love with her anymore, or have just shut down, so that what she does can no longer hurt me.
I've entered counselling, not only in an effort to make sense of what's been going on the last few months, but to try to initiate some personal changes, which I think are long overdue. Its early yet, but I feel it is helping. Regardless of what she decides our future together holds, I know these changes are necessary for ME...not her.
We're supposed to meet in a tropical locale, late in April, for a 3 week vacation. She's been playing her cards very close to the chest, but she tells me we have 'a lot of talking to do'. (DUH!!) She's "pensive" about our trip together. So am I. We both realize that this 3 weeks together is going to decide our fate.
I am just so hurt and sad lately. I'm at home with our 3 children, and its everything I can do to keep going. I just feel like lying in bed all day. I try to maintain my normal routine, but its hard. Its also hard to maintain the facade to all our friends and family, that everything is OK between us. They're always asking about her, to make sure she is doing well.
I finally disclosed what had been going on, to one of my brothers, just this past weekend. He's been through the affair/divorce wringer (his wife left him for OM...). Much to my surprise he wasn't glib about it. The only advice he had for me, is that if I still want her (I'm not sure I do anymore...), that I have to realize that at this point it is all up to her. She either stays or goes. I really have no say in it.
I'm looking at it from another angle. I'm tempted to end it. How could it be any worse than what I'm going through right now? The only reason I hesitate is because of our children. I come from a broken home, and am loathe to put my children through the same thing. I'm trying to keep faith, for them, if not myself.
I read somewhere on here that the WS would act like an alien. I sure know that one!! Its like I'm married to someone I don't even know anymore. I never, ever thought my wife could be this deceptive. I guess I was wrong. She's just been plain thoughtless, and downright cruel at times over the last few months. For a long time I felt I deserved it, as I have not always been the best mate in the world. Now I realize that we're even...if anything she's more than made up for any transgressions I may have committed in the past. I don't deserve what she's put me through.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. Maybe just some kind words, or even some advice from people who have been at this point. What is one to do? Anything anyone has to say, will be appreciated. I'm looking into divorce proceedings now. This is not what I wanted, but apparently she has decided that the grass is greener on the OM's side of the fence. To walk away from a 20 year relationship, and 3 kids, for someone you've only known a few months, just doesn't make any sense to me. I guess a lot of the people on this site have been at the same point. HELP!!

I don't have any real advice for you - sorry. I do feel for you, however, and I am sure that other people will have good advice. I do think your brother was right and I would also urge you to be strong - don't beg or grovel - I do think that turns them off.

I am trying to make my W think I am OK either way - if we make it or not. I think that's the best attitude. I am also trying to convince myself that it's true.

You have children so you have to start thinking in some practical terms.

I doubt it's even crossed her mind that she could lose them in this situation. She's probably assuming that she won't if you split.

Since family law is biased in her favor, you need to be proactive about documenting evidence. Make sure you let her know that you will pursue primary custody on separation.

Otherwise, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A...

(((((((((((kato64))))))))))))

I am sorry you are here--but there are many here who can give you the support you need--and a shoulder to cry on, too, if you need one.

The feelings you describe are the same thoughts I had running around in my head just a few months ago. My FWH was saying that he wanted a second chance, but I heard rumors about he and the OW making plans to run off together. I didn't know what to think. I was ready to find a divorce attorney and move out--if my H wanted this OW, he could have her, as far as I was concerned.

But then I would look at my beautiful children, and I couldn't escape the thought that I owed it to my kids to try. How would they feel if, years from now, they learned that they had grown up in a broken home, not because of their dad's affair, but because I had refused to even try and forgive him? I couldn't live with that. If I tried my best and things still didn't work out, then I could divorce with a clear conscience. That made my decision for me.

That it what gave me the strength to try. Every situation is a little different--and obviously you had already been giving your WW a chance. To have that good faith effort thrown back in your face has to be twice as hard. But only you know if you have done enough for the sake of your kids. If you think you have, then don't beat yourself up about a divorce. A broken home is not ideal, but it can work. Your kids can be okay, if that is what needs to happen.

What I can tell you so far, is that I am very glad that I didn't leave my H. We have a long way to go, but I feel very encouraged. I think that we can make it. And you might feel the same way, too--given a little time and healing.

But the A has to end first. Recovery cannot really begin until then. You had a "false start" at first, because you thought there was no contact.

My thoughts are with you and your kids.

God bless,

CSJ

Here's my Plan A outline .... ask questions about what you don't understand .... but GET A PLAN

MortarMan is numero uno when it comes to military men trying to keep the family intact after a wife's affair. Send out a shout to him if you want some interesting reading ... look up his history.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

I appreciate it, from all of you who took the time to reply. I'll check out MortarMan's thoughts on the situation.

She's walking all over you like a worn-out dishrag. Are you going to sit back and beg for more again and again?

Recovering your marriage does not mean you become some subservient slave to your wife. Make it clear to her that she's crossed the line.

My goodness, you discover the affair and she is turning it around on you, calling you the unbearable one? Does that make any sense to you?

Did you ever expose their affair to your family, her family? Does the OM have a wife or girlfriend? You need to blow this thing out of the water, and exposure is just the thing to do that.

But please, whatever you do, stand up for yourself. You are not just defending yourself, you are defending your 3 kids and their family. Letting them watch mommy trample all over daddy isn't going to be a good life lesson for them.

I've revealed it to a few close friends, and one member of my immediate family. She's supposedly discussed it with her sister, but since her sister has done the same thing to her husband, they're two peas in a pod.
The OM doesn't have a wife, or kids. (Has NEVER had a wife...which maybe in and of itself speaks to his character...he's never been able to find a woman foolish enough marry him...his last fiancee dumped him, before the nuptuals took place...)
I realize that I've let her walk all over me in this situation, but that is at an end. We're meeting in just over 3 weeks, and the line will be drawn in the sand then. Its him (US...including me and our kids) or him. She has to make a clear, and final choice. If she chooses someone she's known for about 7 months, over her husband of almost 20 years, and her 3 kids, then we're not really losing all that much, are we??
Believe me, I've had enough. I was terrified of what everyone's reaction would be to her affair. That they'd see it as my fault as well. I've not been the ideal mate over the years, but she's more than made up for it this last few months, and I'm done beating myself up over my past mistakes.
She either cuts this fellow out of her life, once and for all, or she loses me and the kids. (And everything we've ever worked for together...) I can play hardball too, if that's what it comes down to.
Thanks again, everyone, for your comments/suggestions, etc.