Normally i am a very long winded person. I tend to eloborate much more than anyone wants to hear. Rather than getting into all that i will try to break this down to its most simple element.

My wife is not a physical person. She does not desire physical contact unless she initiates it. Occasionally she will walk up to me and want a hug. She never wants to kiss and in fact will cringe if i try to kiss her. We only have sex every couple of months, many times we will go three months without.

I am finally at the end of my rope. We've been married for eleven years with this same pattern. I don't honestly know where to go from here.

I'm sorry to hear that you have very little SF.

You also listed her as WW ?

Did you go thru counseling ?

I suspect there are other issues rather than just no desire.

FWIW: have you read:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

Hopefully some others will see this post and have better answers for you.

Good luck:

Like i said - i am a very long winded person. I could go on for pages about all the issues related to my marriage.

In summation:

High school sweet hearts rejuevenated our relationship in our early twenties. Within six months we were pregnant and married. We had talked about marriage prior to the pregnancy so it was a pretty easy decision.

Our relationship seemed good to me with the exception of the Sex issue. Unfortunately whenever it came up it became a HUGE issue where i would frequently become depressed and angry. When i am angry with spouse i tend to clam up and sulk. I know that my attitude makes it VERY clear that i am not happy.

WIfe had an affair two years ago, during which i was told many things such as: never loved you, you trapped me into marriage, hate you, can't stand the thought of having sex with you, you are not a real man, etc. She has since appologized many times and i can tell that she is sincere, but she will not do anything about the issue such as counseling or reading books. She says that it is in the past and that she doesn't ever want to think about it.

We did go to counseling but she wanted to quit. She did not like our counselor and told me to keep going by myself. Even today when i ask to go to counseling she says that sex is my issue and that she is "just fine".

Wife says that she does love me but she just doesn't care about sex and doesn't need it like i do. She is not a very physical person. If i approach her to kiss her or hug her she cringes yet every now and then she will approach me.

The latest episode happened last night. A week ago we had the conversation where she told me to try to be more romantic. She wanted me to surprise her. Last night while she was at our kids school for a parent fundraiser, i lit candles in the bedroom. When she got home i gave her a long massage. When the massage was over she said "i guess now you want sex. This whole thing wasn't to make me happy, it was only about you getting sex." She went on to tell me that i only want her for sex and that i should try never asking for it or doing anything to bring it up, maybe then she would respond to me on her own time.

I have been waiting for eleven years. I think the issue has to do with her sexual drive or lack of it. In many conversations with other couples i've overheard her friends tell her how crazy she is for just never wanting any.

I want her to go to a counselor with me. I want her to participate but she refuses and becomes angry when i ask. She tells me that it is my problem not hers.

Hey, KCM...

I think you have a matter of resentments piled up to the ceiling, not about sex drive...good news, I think.

Here's a question: " When i am angry with spouse i tend to clam up and sulk. I know that my attitude makes it VERY clear that i am not happy."

And you're okay with this behavior, or has this changed?

And you did set up the bedroom, candles, massage to get sex, right? Honesty is the only combatant for resentment...and we create resentments ourselves.

I get it. Now, before marriage...was sex only every two or three months? Or was it once, pregnant, and then the pattern started?

Curious...did it drop off right after your wedding night? Anyway to confirm these memories with your wife? FWW makes sense, btw. She's piled up with resentments, too.

I have no doubt you both could have a heckuva great marriage...just an essential injection of respect and committing to purging old resentments and committing to make no new ones.

LA

Great point.

Sex has always been like this with wife. Dating, married, whatever, she has never been all that interested.

I try to work on my childish behavior, but i tend to think that it is better for me to say nothing at all than to start a verbal arguement. My claming up comes from years of never getting anywhere by saying anything. In fact, when i used to ask questions and try to talk it would eventually escalate into a heated arguement. Only in the past five years or so have i stopped talking.

And yes the point of the candles was my attempt to do what she suggested, try doing something Romantic, the goal of doing something romantic was to initiate sex. I never hid that fact from her. I didn't try to trick her into anything.

My question is this, "Why is it not OK to want sex or to ask for it? How do other couples initiate sex if they don't make it clear to their partner that is what they want?"

In my opinion, sex doesn't just happen. At least one partner has to want it or initiate it. My problem is this - wife is basically saying to me that she will let me know when she is interested and any attempt by me to let her know i am interested is unwelcome.

During our conversation about the issue last night she tells me that every time i ask for it or give her any indication that i want it she gets turned off. She went so far as to tell me that the moment she saw the candles she was upset.

Some things i haven't said are this - wife's mother and father had this exact same relationship. I had a very good relationship with my father in law before he passed away a couple years ago. He actually slept on the couch for seven or eight years because of lack of SF. He told me that for them it was Xmas and Valentine's only.

I know from experience that if i left it up to my wife we would be twice a year. I know this because i've waited as much as six months.

Read hard here. The Dr. says you need to combine sex with conversation, physical affection and recreational activity. For it to work really well both parties have to be willing but one can drag another one back into intimacy. Deposit lots of love units, stop the sulking those are love busters that withdraw. Try for discreet friendly silence when she is being hurtful. The Dr. says you need to spend min. 15 hrs alone together a week doing fun things just like before you were married and had children.

You can call the radio talk show here and ask the Dr. yourself. They will send you a book. I have How to Survive an affair and how to fall in love and stay in love. The information is really great.

I also go to Alanon. Where I have learned to try and have no expectations. Work hard on changing yourself and if need be let her go with love. Detach from her hurtful words. Pain is given, misery is optional. Try going to Alanon if anyone you know had a drinking problem or you were raised by alcoholics. The 12 step program will save your sanity. They should teach the 12 steps in school. I am teaching my kids and already my life is so much happier. Even though my husband is still talking on the phone to the other woman and still being an active addict. I have no time to obsess about him anymore I have so many of my own flaws and issues to pick apart and improve. Leave them to theirs. Own your own.
Good luck it is a life long process but it all starts here. You are in the right place. Look upon all of this as a challenge and a blessing and your attitude will slowly day by day get better and better. I wish you all the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi KCM
Very sorry to read about your situation.
Have you heard of Sexual Aversion?
An aversion is a negative emotional reaction that's been conditioned to a behaviour. In other words, if you have bad experiences doing something, you will learn to associate those bad experiences with the task. The very thought of it will eventually create anxiety and unhappiness, and then doing it will make matters even worse. The most common aversion is when a frustrated spouse becomes abusive when a need is not met to his or her satisfaction.
Would there have been any possible time when you may have hurt her feelings. It may have been something you said to her that was angry or judgemental. She may have made love to you anyway out of obligation which makes it unpleasant for her. From that point on, her sexual experience became predictably unpleasant. She made love because you expected it not because she was willing. When someone has a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex. An aversion is an unconscious, physiological association of a particular behaviour with an extremely unpleasant emotioanl experience.
Just a thought.
Take care
Mrs K