I've only written in a few times over the last six months. But I come to this site often to see what others are going through, hoping that I will find a bit of comfort in knowing that what I am experiencing is not unique - that what my W is doing or saying is to be expected (?) for someone betraying their marriage. <P>I have heard a hundred reasons from her why it will never work between us -- I have been told one minute that she doesn't love me, that she isn't interested in me sexually anymore, that she doesn't think I will ever be able to forgive her, that she can't forgive herself, that she doesn't know if she wants me or the OM, that she feels trapped by me, that the OM is soft and understanding and listens to her talk anything but she she can't be open with me because I won't listen to her talk about HIM, etc., etc. - and then she tells me that she loves me and thinks perhaps she wants to work it out.<P>Sometimes I feel that I am slowly going insane. Why am I sticking this out? Why are we sticking it out with someone that doesn't want us the way that we want them?<P>My friends, my family, even my therapist - all tell me that I should end this thing and move on with my life. But I continue. Six months my life has been on hold waiting for someone to figure out that I am worth committing to, that our marriage is worth maintaining. Here is a woman for whom I would give my life if necessary and I suppose I just can't believe that she doesn't feel the same way. Do I need her love that desperately, or is it just that I can't admit to myself that she doesn't love me? Am I afraid to be with someone else? Too often I know that I should walk away for good, that I don't deserve any of this (no one does) but I'm always afraid that she'll figure it out the minute I go. And so I stay. Sometimes I think I stay because I simply can't believe that anyone could be so cruel (the lies, the sixual betrayal) to another person, and I keep hoping the nightmare will simply end. Or that it is like a movie and I want to stay around to see the finish, when really it is more like a tv series and the only way this thing will be over is when the actors finally have had enough.<P>Everytime we are apart, my W realizes that how much she loves me and misses me. If it looks like I am going to be with someone else, she gets jealous. But the minute I let her back in - whoosh! She's back to indecisionville. <P>Today I came back after being away for a week. I called my W and she went on and on about how she "thinks" she wants to work it out. Of course I know that she was with HIM the whole time. And of course she is too busy tonight to see me - I wouldn't doubt for a minute that she already had plans with HIM. If it were me, I would have had her in my arms in a heartbeat. That's how you show someone you missed them and care for them, isn't it? I have to learn to stop listening to her words and just listen to her what her actions say. And what they say is that nothing I am doing is working<P>The bottom line is:<P>Is there really any way to make someone want you back and commit to it? That's what we're all doing here, isn't it? That's what we all want to know. Well, is there? Does anyone have the formula? I would love to hear it. <BR>Or do I just want something I can never have and must learn to deal with it.

Hi BigDaddy,<P>Dunno if this will be of any comfort to you as I dont know of any formula that makes someone "want you back and commit to it"...it did happen to me but I am not sure if there was a formula to it..maybe I was just lucky..??..but for what its worth I will share a little of it...my W did not want to even speak to me let alone share the same roof....so I did the only thing I thought that could minimise my pain...I went into intensive therapy and counselling to stop myself from hurting...and it worked...took a few months...I read lots..and did lots of courses and things to understand myself and what happened bewteen us...<P>Upshot was I changed inside and waited...had no contact with her...she went to therapy also on her own accord.... contacted me sometime later to talk and went from there back to reconcilliation....been happy now for a number of years....so there is still hope for you...!!!<P>I know its tough roads right now....but I always think its worth hanging in there for someone you love.....maybe therapy will help you with the pain and understanding the motivations behind infidelity.?...dunno..anyway, it helped me heaps...<P>Highest regards..<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Big Daddy I can empathize with you. My story is unlike cossies miracle story. For 1 year now I have been hoping, praying and Plan A ing. W did the cycling thing back and forth which put me through great pain every time she did that. 1 month ago she started seeing OM, and now she is filing for divorce. Now she says she is sure what she wants. Once again I am broken. To protect myself from any more pain I am going to a full on Plan B. I can't put myself through the pain of seeing her with OM. I will still hope and pray that this affair will fizzle, but I must remove myself completely from her life. This will be difficult because of our child.<BR>I thought that the Plan A formula would work. I will now go to the Plan B formula. I don't know of any other formula's to cause a person to commit to a marriage.<BR>Bye for now.

Hi BigDaddy,<P>I too have gone through what you have.<P>My wife moved out a little more than one month ago. She left me and the kids! That did avoid the huge custody battle I thought I was in for.<P>Are you the BigDaddy from the FRTC?<P>My wife says she hates me...<BR>(all kinds of reasons....<BR> now because "I took kids from her"<BR> before... because of no special reason)<P>She cut off all "physical" touching of her one month after I found out about the affair and has been colder than ice since.<P>NOW...<BR>I'm just starting Plan A "formally"....<BR>Without knowing what it was called, I was doing Plan A for a couple of months, although I lost my cool a couple of times. I won't lose it anymore.<P>If you don't know about Plan A or Plan B check out the home page... there is a hyperlink to it from there (on left side.)<P>I've read "Surviving an Affair" cover to cover once, and now an reading "His needs, Her Needs." These are very informative.<P>Yes, I know this whole process is going to be a long one (for me I see a 2 year duration.) That's why this (and other) boards exist. To give each other support through the many... many... many... tough times ahead. I get a lot of emotional support by reading these posts, and then when new people come in, giving my own input. It is theraputic to help and be helped.<P>Jim<BR>(NSR on FRTC too)

Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to hang in there -- for what I don't know anymore.<P>Tonight, when I called her to say I was back from my trip (away 5 days), she told me how much she loved me and missed me, but that she had other plans -- with a couple that we have been close friends with, and that they specifically asked for her to come alone (???? - she said possibly to chew her out about her actions of late), but that she would call me later tonight and definitely see me tomorrow. Of course, I had to know. And there was HIS car parked in front of our home. <P>I am no one's second choice. I am the best. And there is no sane reason why anyone should be so cruel (especially when she says they are "just friends" now). How am I suppose to take this? Do I swallow my pain AGAIN? If I say anything, it will sabotage any possible gains I made by being away if she really did miss me? But, I can't take the LIES and DECEIT. I feel totally emasculated by the whole thing. What should I do? Confronting her in the past just pushes her away -- she's like a child, and I'm her big daddy, she wants to be scolded when she does wrong, but then tells me how much she hates me when I do. HELP.

The magic formula... E=MC2 also known as Time.<P>BigDaddy, I know how you feel. I'm going through the same stuff right now but the only difference being she has not once said she wants to work it out. If anything she is moving full speed away from me and is telling me that I am holding her back. She even started dating again..... It's only been 2 1/2 months!!!!!! <P>Do what you feel is right. So what if friends and family are telling you to move on..... Do what you want for yourself not for them. You want to be able to look back at this and have no regrets as to your efforts in trying to save your marriage.<P>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

BigDaddy and others who's wife left them - <P>I read a lot of my situation in what you are going through. The biggest difference is that my W left me June 21 and is living with rich, foreign older OM. My W also filed for divorce a month ago. I am in desparate straights too and don't know day to day how I will cope with my profound sadness and rage.<P>Please post more often BigDaddy. There are many men on here whose W is treating them like sh*t...some, like Chris (CA123)'s W and mine, have left to live with OM and others like Rutger and izzy who definitely know the pain you're in. We need to stick together.