I don’t think I want to be married anymore.

My FWH betrayal is something I thought I could get over. It was 4 ½ years ago and a 2NS. He just told me about it 8 months ago. When he told me, I also found out that he had gone into a chat room a year before and was talking to another woman. She called and emailed him at work a couple of times over that year. This second woman verified his story. That nothing happened. They had only spoken a few times.

I believe my FWH is trying to do everything he can to fix what he has done. I really thought I could stay with him. I love him deeply and I know he loves me. But I am sinking deeper and deeper into a place I don’t want to go.

I know my FWH has deep issues that caused him to do this. Our marriage wasn’t great and there was a lot of strain. He felt alone and wanted to leave me. He saw it as his way out. I changed my ways in our marriage before I even knew he was unfaithful. But my feelings about being unfaithful are really strong. I believe that it is just not a mistake you make and it is something I would never do. I also left myself open to being violated (and catching a disease) because I trusted him as my husband. Now I am feeling like I don’t want to give him the chance to do it again to me. He is obviously great at living a lie as he did it for four years. I just don’t think I want to put myself in that position again and that I would be stupid to do it. I think he has a problem and that it might never be fully fixed. Also, the reason he did it was because he wanted to leave me and he knew that I wouldn’t stay with him when he did it. Of course, he changed his mind, but I feel like the decision was already been made. Shouldn’t I make him stick with it?

I love him. We have a four year old together and one on the way. Is that enough reason to stay? I am really scared of what it would do to our children, as my FWH is a product of divorce and many of his issues stem from that. I just feel so unhappy and scared. I don’t think I could ever really trust him again. He is willing to be an open book- but I will never know everything he does. I live in fear. Who wants to live like that? I think I would make great progress without him and that I would actually be able to forgive him and move on.

Hi hope,

I'm so sorry you're so torn....recovery can be hellacious. Each of you has a part. His part is to end his duplicitous actions, compensate you, and take extra-ordinary precautions never to hurt again. Your part is to forgive him if he can do those things. If he's doing his part....but you're having trouble doing your part...there's two questions to ask:

Has he REALLY done his part to make you feel safe?
What precautions/conditions are in place to ensure your security?

If he's done his part to your satisfaction....what is holding you back from forgiveness?

((((((((((((((((ith))))))))))))))))))

The problem is that I just don't think I can forgive him unless we are apart.

I am afraid to leave him. I am afraid of what it will happen to our DS. I am afraid of what it will happen to my FWH. I am afraid of what will happen to me. I am afraid I will regret it.

I love him, but I just don't think I can get over this and trust him again. Is it fair to stay in a relationship like taht? That is tarnished and where you are always fearful?

The problem is that I just don't think I can forgive him unless we are apart.

What does this mean? What does being "apart" have to do with forgiveness? Do you think you have to risk losing him to believe you want him? How would separation facilitate forgiveness?

I am afraid to leave him. I am afraid of what it will happen to our DS. I am afraid of what it will happen to my FWH. I am afraid of what will happen to me. I am afraid I will regret it.

Yes....I just wrote a post about "fear". Tell me what he has done to "allay" your fears.

I love him, but I just don't think I can get over this and trust him again.

What would "trust" look like to you?"

Is it fair to stay in a relationship like taht? That is tarnished and where you are always fearful?

What would it take NOT to be fearful? Can you communicate that?

(((((((((((((ith)))))))))))

I don't mean be separated. I mean a divorce. I just don't think I can stay married to someone capable of doing this to me.

To allay my fears, he has quit his job and started a new one, he is open about where, he is who he is with, he is always with me when he is not working, he calls me multiple times a day (he never did this before).

Trust would be look like what it used to look like. Trust is not having to be afraid. Knowing that I have a his fierce loyalty. Knowing I am with someone who cherishes me and our relationship and would never do anything to hurt either one. I thought this is what I had before, but I didn't. How will I know I can trust him again, and why should I? I trusted him before and he did this to me. He chose this path for us without my consent.

The only way I will not be fearful is if I can see what he doing every minute of every day. That is not realistic I know. He was really good about hiding this and truly it is so out of character. But now I am wondering if I am just fooled by what I thought he was and who he truly is. I would have no idea that he did this except that he told me.

I just don't feel like I have it in my any more to fight off these horrible feelings. I think it is just better for me to move on and heal on my own.

Trust would be look like what it used to look like.

ITH,

What you had before, the innocence, is gone. It is hard to accept that, I know. For the longest time following d-day, I thought that the only thing my FWH could do to save me and our marriage was to miraculously undo the past.

While he certainly would if it was possible, it is not. So what is the reasonable next thing. Actually, there are several things.

No Contact of any kind.

Being completely open with you and having no unaccounted for time, no email addresses that you don't have passwords for, no secret cell phones.

Loving you, meeting your needs, figuring out the why of his affair and communicating that to you.

Being patient with you during your dark days.

Taking 100% responsibility for his really bad judgement.

Understanding , as much as possible, how desperately hurt you are and why.

Only you can decide whether any of this will make it worth trying to recover from this.

Shortly after d-day, a close friend of mine (one of the very few that I told about the affair) told me to give it one year and if I still felt the same way, then I should go ahead and get a divorce.

I think I know why she told me that, because by then I had devoted a whole year of my life to the process and stubbornly didn't want to admit that it had been a waste of time.

That said, I often think that if I could go back in time to d-day, I would throw the bum out and start anew. Maybe.

Who

Thanks whome.

He is really doing all of those things you stated, well maybe except being patient with my dark days. He is somewhat patient, but it is really hard on him to see me so hurt. So he tries really hard at first, but when he doesn't see me getting any better, he closes in. He feels he is doing all he can and not getting any where with me.

I just know our marriage will never be the same and I am not sure I can handle that. I am devastated that the man I thought I knew never really exsisted. I don't know if I want to move forward with him.

Would you say you are recovered? Do you still feel pain and fear? Will this always be a stain on your marriage? I don't want to have that in my marriage. That is why I feel I must leave!

Dear ITH,

I hear your pain & it's heartbreaking. I am going through the same dilemma, though less with no children. But the pain and doubts linger in the same way.

My Dday was 2/1 and kicked him out that night. H had a t yr. A. All that time he went to great lengths to devalue me to his friends and family, that I was a controlling b***** and planted the seed in their minds that we would eventually D. The OW threatened him she would come over our house to tell me about the A if he didn't leave me for her. But H finally cofessed.

Implemented plan B 3/19. WH MC advised him to take two weeks to find himself and figure out why he had the A by cutting off contacts with everyone. Meantime, I've been preoccupied to exposing the A to the OW's email contacts. Her emails is a very desperate woman comes across emotionally unstable. Great for me because I don't need to convince anyone what a crazy psycho she is.

So like you, I was faithful to my H and never thought he was capable of such a thing. Everyone thought he was so perfect. Now, I struggle with the daily decision of whether to leave and mend the pain so that I can allow myself to be whole should another man with the same conviction to be faithful comes along. Or do I stay and deprive myself to ever becoming whole again?

I don't know the answer to that yet. All we can do is turn our fear into a powerful action to become stronger so that when we can move on either way.

Stay strong and use your fear to empower youself and for your children.

There is always hope! Please be aware that this time you are in now is a critical time in recovery. 8 months is VERY hard for both the FWS and the FBS - recovery sucks. I'm at this point now and it is hard.

It sometimes seems there is always something new coming up to deal with.

For our marriage, we have been doing the MB Audio course. We have a lovely passionate loving marriage now - better than it was before for us. But yes - we carry the scars daily. The innocence and marriage we had before are gone and can never be recovered I mourn their loss. But the wounds do heal. You can trust again. You also have children to consider. Cut and Run while tempting now is a decision you will regret for the rest of your life.

Trust me - it is worth it and it does get better.

I am EXACTLY where you are too. I don't think that I can ever get past this. The difference with me is that FWH had EA, not a PA and while he now admits that it was inappropriate, he refuses to acknowledge the pain. He is doing nothing to help get past the devestation that I feel. In fact, he is annoyed at me that I have any pain at all and that I am "not over it".

We also have kids. Believe me, if it were not for them,it would be O-V-E-R. I still have not decided if I will stay or go.

I know how painful this is. My heart goes out to you while you made your decision.