I have a question. My hasband is having a rough time with trusting me because of how we met. I was married at the time and we had an affair. (I know it was the wrong way to go about it but I can't change that now) It was the first time I have ever done anything like that and I don't really know how it even happened. Anyway, like I said my current husband is having trust issues that I thought we had overcome before we ever got married and now they are resurfacing. I am looking for any advice on how to help him - any books that might address this issue anything at this point. I don't want to lose my marriage and it seems like that is where it's headed.

Don't know the A happened? If you don't understnd the why, then maybe that's a good place to start. There's no ownership in your actions if you don't know why you are taking them. Your understanding could help him to understand. You should take steps to make sure the things taht triggered taht affair never come into play again. This site has information on how to build an Affair-prrof marriage. This could be a beginning. Others here can give you more info on how to deal w/ this situation.

You are in a difficult situation. Most people probably have told your husband that if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Counseling is a must.

oh, yeah - counseling, for sure......

You are in a tough place. Counseling would help...and your husband needs to also face the fact that he had an affair with a married woman...you both share the infidelity that was the beginning of your relationship. Trust is very hard to establish under those circumstances...but I am told it can be. Neither of you wants to have your marriage fail...so work to put the past to rest and live in the now.

I agree with everyone else. I had an affair with my current H while married to my first. I know exactly why I did it. My H dealt with a lot of guilt for a long time (may even still have some residual guilt - I think so). We have some major troubles - obviously it takes two to make a marriage or break a marriage. However, I seriously feel that it was our beginnings that is causing some of our current issues, along with H's alcoholism - although that could be an issue related to our beginnings as well.

Anyway, I think counseling is a good place to begin exploring your past, H's past, the how's surrounding your A, and where that puts you NOW.

PS: someone once said to my H "once a cheater, always a cheater". I'm not afraid of that myself because before I left my exh and had the subsequent affair I went to counseling for 3 years and tried every thing I could think of to make my marriage work - exh was not interested, bottom line. So, I first mentally and emotionally checked out and followed that with physically leaving. I cannot say the same for H. He was my exh's best friend and he felt more guilt than I did - he felt like his betrayal against my exh was worse than mine. And I totally understand where he is coming from. I've tried to help him move past it and in doing so, I think I may have gypped him of the opportunity to work through his own emotions.

Just my 2 cents.

I'm in the same spot. H is not bringing it up, I've thought of it. Not sure if I want to discuss it w him. Might not be a good strategy right now.

I don't want him to conclude that "well we cheated and that brought us together and it was good....now it's over...time for me to find another and make that good."

I still hurt over some of the years ago things. If I had it all to do over...I'm not sure what I would do differently. (Maybe split with first H much sooner than I did, or not get married in the first place...depending on how far back you wanna go.)


Years ago, there was no child or family involved. Years ago I did not have such a financial morass to deal with,

I just want to let years ago be gone.