If a person enters an AA meeting and has been sober just a few weeks ... that person cannot offer insight to another newbie as to what it takes to remain sober for 10 years ... What I am saying to you has nothing to do with "being worthy" but I am noticing that you are very inexperienced at Marriage Builders concepts... and it shows.
Your worth is completely in your own hands. How you choose to live your life will determine that.
Please, take care

sfjaj,

there are plenty of FWS around, including on the recovery board. I am one too. If you are going to post on MBs, you need to remember that everyone is posting out of their unique perspective and experience. Not all of it will be 'about' you... but don't be too quick to assume it isn't!

What kind of support do you need? There are some threads about withdrawal around - Suzet put together one that you can find on the archives.

Good luck! It has been a very long and very painful journey for me, but I have learnt huge amounts!

Sfjaj,

Here is a direct link to my withdrawal thread. I’ve also bumped it for you.

I hope you will find it helpful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also check out this link:

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Take care,
Suzet

Just talk to them like you kick my [censored] Jen, that'll stop the sweet comments ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK BigK...

I'll concede the sc & Mrs. W threads to Jen, go ahead, Wave Away *Big*Mean*Tough* KiwiJ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...But the other? Well, ahem, Mr. W has a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> *Big Stick* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> of his very own... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> *wink*wink*nudge*nudge* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />LOL<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

sfjaj, you really need to tell the OMW. Truly that is the only moral thing to do. She has a right to know about the A and the OC. It does not change the legalities you and your H are working through. Your H is still the father of record but that woman needs to be able to make a decision about her own life and have the knowledge to heal her own M.

habib, same to you my dear. Your OMW needs to know, even if it ends their marriage. That is no longer your responsibility.

I'll tell you this, new WS's... I haven't been a WS for seven years, and in that time I have learned a lot about myself. One thing that I did that was a BIG, HUGE MISTAKE, was to align myself with a WS who was at the beginning of her own recovery (vets may know this story). I got myself tangled up in a big mess because we were both struggling so much... and both of us were building (or rather, trying to REbuild) our houses on sand.

You need strength, not weakness to rebuild. Surround yourself with strength. Yes, get hugs from those who are where you are -- no problem there -- but get your FOUNDATION for rebuilding from those who have the TOOLS and MATERIALS to TRULY rebuild.

Pepperband mentioned above about AA, and her example is exactly right.

Please be very careful.

sfjaj,
I am really not sure how far after DDay you are or what has transpired in your situation until this point, but I offer something to discuss. In my sig-line are a couple of links to things I wrote when I was being a little more enterprising around here. Read them, if you have the time and we can discuss them. If you disgree, that is fine. Again.... just discussion. If you are not interested in the slightest, also fine. I will not push the 'word of MB' down your throat. The choice to hear is yours.

Sometimes the mob-mentality can get a little harsh around here. And I really don't think smartass remarks on a forum are helpful at all... even when they are 'called' 2x4s. Anyway, I offer a little discussion about what I wrote. Take it or leave it. Your call completely.

Wow, I thoroughly benefited from and enjoyed reading several posts...patriot, suzet, and even the last one from Mrs. Wondering. I am absorbing the very good advice.

Faithful, my obligation to the OC and her well-being is more important than my obligation to the OMW. I plan on following through with notifying her, but not until the legalities have been covered.

Habib, I do have to agree that your MIL should know, but I realize everything is difficult for you right now. Place working on your M first. The withdrawal is very difficult; whenever you feel as though you may break NC, post here and I will gladly respond and try to help talk you down. The feeling you get from the OM may seem difficult to break, but it doesn't have a future. One thing to ask yourself is how do you feel about the A with him? If a relationship is good for you and for others, it shouldn't FEEL shameful. These are a few of my thoughts, but I in no way criticize you as i am on the same journey. Perhaps we can help one another in the journey...

Hi sfjaj~

I'm being a little lazy here, but I'm going to copy/paste a reply I gave to someone on GQ awhile back. He was seeking suggestions for his fww who was having a tough time w/ NC and withdrawal.

I'll tell you though, from experience because I'm a fww with OC like you, it does seem withdrawal takes a little longer. Well, maybe not so much the withdrawal itself, (as in missing the xom), but because of the OC, it makes it difficult to totally and forever erase xom from the mind. It does get better though, I promise-- I'm 3+ years into NC and for a long time now, he has not crossed my mind every single day like he did for the first 2 yrs. And again, when I thought of him, past the withdrawal, it wasn't thoughts of missing him, but the thought of him usually came to mind when OC would make some expression or something to remind me. I'm just saying I think it's a little harder when there's an OC involved, BUT don't let that be an excuse to not get past the withdrawal and NC. It can be accomplished!

So anyway, here's my previous post I referenced. I hope it helps.:

My best advice to her is to view NC as moment to moment. If she can think of NC in small incriments, it's much easier than thinking of it in terms of trying to get through the next month, 6 months, year, etc because that can seem a daunting task. It's that one day at a time theory, only I'd break it down in smaller amounts of time if she has to, to get by and make it easier for now.

Then lo and behold, the longer she's gone NC, the easier it gets, because she's further and further removed from the A and the addiction of it.

The other thing that really helped me was to find a diversion, and QUICKLY whenever I thought of xom, (or worse, thought of contacting him). When I thought of him, I'd do things like phone or email my H if he wasn't home, (this works 2 fold, because it kept me accountable to H as well-- actually 3 fold, because it pleased H that I was sending a greeting out to him). Other things I did was to go for a walk, phone a friend, read a book, bake a cake, take my kids out to the mall and movie...whatever I could to divert my mind from him. So, she needs to keep herself busy.

Then once again, lo and behold before she knows it she will notice she is thinking of him less and less, and missing him less and less, and NC becomes easier. Plus she will have also brought herself back to the land of living, by doing all the things she may have once thought of mundane during her A. At least that's how it was for me. I was actually happy to be living a normal "boring" life, instead of my previous double life-- it was quite a relief for me. I'll never forget the joy and peace I had within one time driving back home from taking my children to our little downtown, to do some decorating for homecoming week. During my A, and even before, I had begun to hate my motherly chores, but after my A, I was so happy to be doing normal real life things-- to be living a REAL life again. I remember thinking, I feel like I can breathe again.

Ahhh, I'm sorry for rambling. I guess a lot of those feelings from the early days post-A came back to my mind when giving you some pointers.

Before I close though, the other thing I wanted to mention, and this is a BIGGIE-- do you guys do the recommended 15 hrs per week together as H & W? That was critical for us-- actually, after an A, it should probably be more than 15. It helped to turn our M around, at the same time keeping my mind off xom/withdrawal pains. It also gave me an up close and personal look at my H for the first time in a long time, and helped me to see that xom paled in comparison.

Autumn Day <<<~ I've been a fan for years .... but you already knew that!

AutumnDay, you make excellent points: that should help me.

teeny tj~~ Pep, As I you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would love to talk more with you about the OC issue as that does seem to make it more difficult

Anytime. I don't post a whole lot anymore, but when I do, the P/C forum is where I do most posting. It's home to me. I saw tigger has been helping you, and she's great! She's the one that helped me the most when I first came around. Along with some other wonderful souls like Just Learning, TMCM, and even many BW's.

sfjaj,

Thank you, I really needed to hear that...I'm really not so bad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I had genuine heartache for you last night-I was emotionally drained-I used a lot of emotion and energy with you, seriously...I have hope for you...I can tell from the language that you use in some of your posts that you are an intelligent woman...I guess that's why I've been blunt with you at times...I can see that you have what it takes to use all that is here to the benefit of your family, and doggone it, I want you to use it...And, like I said, I see some of me in you...

You may find that FWSes will be some of the toughest on you here...please understand that it's because we know, we REALLY know where you are coming from, and we care a lot, we wouldn't be here otherwise...and we would love it if you could learn from our mistakes...that usually isn't possible for anyone...but you will see, soon you will be right alongside us in our frustrations with fresh FWSes...and you'll be a REALLY tough one on the newbies, because you are smart, and you will know...and they won't believe you when you tell them that...it'll break your heart and drive you nuts at the same time...just wait and see...

When I was intially posting...though I didn't like it at the time...I learned far more from 2 x 4's than from coddling...it was the 2 x 4's that forced me to look at myself and they also opened up the most communication for Mr. W and I...the 2 x 4's allowed him to take my side a bit...we became a team again-and we hadn't been that in a while...in that way, it's good for you to be offended here...you are tough...you said so yourself...you aren't gonna tuck tail and run now...nope, you are already in...now, we just have to get you to go "all in"...You are starting to get it...I hear it in your tone...keep going...I am rooting for you...But I'm still gonna tell you when you aren't getting it...btw, "FOG" is easier to type than Failure On Getting it...Get it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sincerely,


Mrs. Wondering

Why Mrs. W, I'm beginning to really value you! Would you know I cried when I read your post to me?!

See girl, I just wanna be your "dorry" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...hate me then love me...Wait, if I'm gonna be dorry, I should've said, "See, dear" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> LOL She killed me with that!!! And since she's Canadian, I feel that I should throw in an "eh" for for good measure, so "EH"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Don't cry...you're one of the ones who are gonna make it...I just feel it...

I'm here, at the ready, should you need me...for a hug, question or a "friendly neighborhood 2 x 4" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...really...((((sfjaj))))<----------You need one of those right now...and a "high five", to boot...Keep at it...it will all come...just be open to it...A recovered marriage is a million times better than a fake fantasy affair...EVERYTHING about it...conversation, recreation, and believe it or not, the sex...that part is hard for you to imagine right now...I would bet...you doubt those feelings will ever come back...give it time...they will...Have Faith...

Mrs. Dubya

You really do know. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I do miss the SF with the OM

Hello
It has been just one week since my D day.
D day my H got drunk and he called my only sister to told him all, well his version, he blaimed me, for all,he showed him as a victim..
He wanted to show my real me (he said), he never accept any error, so I was the bad in the movie..
My mom, and dad, knows also, and my father said that I should realize that Im a marry woman, and I shouldnt continue with such behaviour..
OM was a man I met online, and my relatives arent familiar with internet.. they dont understand... and Im for all the bad girl..
Its very difficult, to deal with this.. but I think we can do it..