Hi everybody! My story can be found here. My first counseling session was great. But, it was eyeopening. One, I was told that I need to stop talking about relationship stuff all the time. Well, I understand that but this is the foremost thing on my mind. Secondly, I was also told that I need to find friends outside my marriage and work. My wife has always been my best friend and I did not need anyone else. My therapist said that this is too much pressure on a marriage. Lastly, I am controlling.

Guys, I am a geeky engineer. I was lucky to find the wife that I did. I really do not know where to begin. I also need to learn the art of small talk. I am way too serious about everything. Any advice here is greatly apprecicated. It really will help me save my marriage.

Please feel free to post here or on the main thread.

Thanks,
Chris

Hmmmm...Chris...

Admittedly I have not read your story, but as a FWW the "smothering" and "controlling" stuff sounds incredibly familiar to me...it is a tactic that many FWSes employ in their attempt to blameshift and get you to backoff...a lot of fog babble baloney stuff...what examples were given to demonstrate your "controlling" her?

I said the same bunch of hooey about my laid back, easy going, tax attorney husband...I also added that he thought that I was his "possession" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...which now makes me go GAG along with BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Nothing could be further from the truth in our situation-NEVER was anywhere close to it...I suspect the same may be true for you...

By the way, it sounds like your wife is the lucky one...to have someone like you...hey, you engineers are "peeps" to...usually very logical ones, I might add... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What is your take on this counselor?


Mrs. Wondering

Got2,

This was told to you after ONE session by your MC????????????

I would be looking for a new MC pronto

No, I showed it to them both loud and clear. It is definantly a part of me. What I do from here is important. LA has suggested Al-Anon which I will check into tonight.

I actually like the MC except that she supports W's new friends...I think that it is a dangerous combination but how knows...I will have to trust W going forward. I opened my heart up to her just 8 weeks ago only to be destroyed once again. I am very sensitive right now to being hurt again.

Thanks,
Chris

Got2,
wow, I'm surprised you like the MC. Although I know you agree with the overbearing thing that was said, I'm surprised that an MC would tell you that you need friends outside of W and work. My MCnever pussed his beliefs on either my H or me, just to ask how we both felt. Both of us (at least now) see eachother as the best of friends, and we would rather be together than apart. Nt to say that we don't have other friends, but rarely do things without eachother. Now that's us, certainly can't say that's for everyone. As for "too much pressure of a marriage" I think to be a strong opinion which should be left out of counseling others. I think it's BS for the MC to tell your wife it's cool to maintain those friendships when that's a part of the root of your issue. I would hae flipped if my MC told my husband to maintain frienships with a bunch of women post his EA. That's crap (but also my opinion). And also, this is all recent for you, how are you surpose to talk about anything but the relationship. I think it's unrealisstic to expect anything less. I cannot imagine my MC having told me a year to avoid talking about our relationship, when it was the relationship that was on the line. What are you surpose to do, avoiding (according to my MC), only makes you think of it that much more.
I'm sure your W likes the counselor too, sounds like the MC is very much sided to her. Sounds like despite the fact that you are the BS, you are the one getting slammed here, I felt like I got slammed in Counseling for a while, but it was more seeing the things that I contributed to making our marriage less than it should have been. At the same time the MC made sure to recognize the wrong-doing and magnitude of that towards my H.
good luck

Did the counselor do anything at all to evaluate whether these friendships are harmful or helpful to you or your marriage, aside from whether they help your wife? If not, then the counselor is not thinking through all of the ramifications of her recommendations and I would consider seeking another.

Maybe not the exact same situation, but I met with an IC today for the first time. No real definitive recommendations yet, but I think he thinks I need to do more outside the house and away from W too. I am meeting with him mainly for depression, and I think he thinks it could help with that. Anyway, mainly we just talked, sort of got to know each other etc., but he wants me to think about that - about opening up more to W and others.

MC understood from our sitch that W needed poeple to discuss her feelings about coming out and about what she wants. This was done in the first few minutes. She said that W needs women friends and it would be wrong to deny that.

We did discuss how men think of every woman they meet as a potential mate. This is the source of my worry. W was really shocked that we think this way. She does not equate the two. She seemed really interested in meeting women to do fun things with and no mention of all of a relationship. I believe that this exploring W is doing is in trying to figure out what she wants. This inability to answer the question is a huge part of our problem.

Sorry, I am just real confused but things are getting better at home in VERY small little things. We will have to see if W can make up her mind on what her needs actually are.

The reason for the controlling issue stems directly from my actions during the session. If I were in their places, I would have said the same thing. LA has tried to discuss this with me several times and I have blown her off. Stupid me!

So until next session, I get to continue my Plan A and try to find an Al-Anon group for my control issue. We will just have to see where this goes.

Chris

Steven Stosny does excellent, excellent stuff for control. Do a Google search on his name and I'm sure you'll find his site.

Thanks Just_J, I will look that up!

Chris