After 2.5 years of marriage my wife and I have slowly grown apart. I lost my trust in her and went into her emails while I was out of town. I found exactly what I suspected and it hurt me.

When I came back to town I ask to sit down and talk. We talked about all areas of marriage…what it meant to me and what it meant to her. I wanted to give her the opportunity to be upfront with me so I brought up the topic of honesty and asked her if she has been honest and faithful to me. She said yes. I didn’t want to confronter her this way but I pulled out the emails and started reading them to her. She had nothing to say. I told her to leave. That was my knee jerk reaction if she didn't admit to the affair and I had to confront her.

Since then I have found this website and have read for several hours each day. It’s only been about 5 days since I confronted her and I’m looking to talk. She thinks she needs time to find herself and wants to move out. It’s the only way she can truly find herself. I’m afraid if I let her do this she will be gone forever. It’s probably important that I point out the she said she has ended the affair already. I just don’t know if it’s been over for weeks or months? I’m not sure I want to know.

My feelings are mixed… half of me says get out (affairs will only happen again) and the other half wants to work on it. I know that I didn’t fulfill her emotional needs. That is what I’ve been telling myself to justify her actions. At the same time I’m wondering if the reason I want her back is because you always want what you can’t have.

I guess what I’m looking for is some advice... should I let her go? She thinks that I’ll take her for granted if she stays. I don’t see how separating ourselves will help us get better. We have unconsciously separated ourselves for the past year by growing apart and becoming more and more independent while living together. I think the only thing that would help our relationship is to fix the things that we are missing while we are together.

A few other points of interest… She was married for 7 years before we meet up. She was trapped and wasn’t able to grow as a person. I was the first person she dated after her marriage and we where married 2 years later. We knew each other in High School but it was 10 years later when we reconnected. This is my first marriage.

Any feed back is welcome…

desperately confused,
Eric

Eric,

Sorry you find yourself here needing support, but you have come to the right place. There are lots of folks here that have been thru what you are dealing with today "unfortune as it is".

I feel you have answered alot of your own questions, and concerns as to which way to go.

The "get out" response is a typical knee jerk reaction. But like most, you think things thru and realize it many not time to throw in the towel.

Is your W still feeling the addiction toward this OM? If she is still attached to this guy emotionally. She will "need some time" "need her space". Meaning: I need to continue to feed my addiction, but if your around, you will only get in my way.

How can you be sure the A is over?

Your concern that an A may happen again is valid. Your task here is finding out why she had the A, and address that problem.

I have not read the Harley's books, but have heard nothing but good things about Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs. Also read up on Plan A, and Plan B.

Thanks for the feedback JustKeeptrying!

The most recent situation is that when I ask to talk she gets very defensive and says that I'm trying to control her. I'm frustrated because I just want to know what she's thinking and feeling. She doesn't want to discuss her feelings. She just wants her space.

Frustrated - Eric

Your wife having a physical sexual affair after only 2 1/2 years in a marriage is very bad news. Clearly she did not and does not have a problem lying to you even when you asked her. I hope you contacted the OM's wife or partner. I hope your wife wrote a no contact letter to him. I would not believe anything your wife said about the affair since she was very good at lying to you. I do hope both of you have been tested for STD's. She has put your health at risk.
I strongly suggest counseling but being in an affair after a little over 2 years in a marriage should make you twice how much you wish to invest in this. I wish you luck