http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/article/index.asp?news_id=66

It's pretty interesting if you're interested.

Thanks texas, good article, I wish I could find some similar in spanish in order to my H reading..

I'm glad you liked it. I thought it was pretty good. I would be interested in hearing what some BS's think about it.

I just dont agree with this part of it.
I think the marriage will always have that underlying problem...and if it ever comes out later in life - the reprocussions will be enormous for years of lying and hiding....



To Confess or Not to Confess?

Which brings us to another point: Should you confess? In general, it's best to be honest, but our experts agree that there are circumstances when a spouse can spare his or her partner that information. "If a spouse has been suspicious and confronts him, he should confess," says Glass. "But if the spouse has no idea, and the betrayer takes responsibility for working it out on his own, he sometimes doesn't have to cause that kind of chaos," says Glass.

But once a confession is made, Glass says, absolute full disclosure is essential, and the cheater should own up to all affairs that have occurred during the relationship.

TB, I'll reserve my opinion on the article in question (taking a cue from LemonMan), and simply offer this as a more accurate (albeit far less politically correct) explanation for the phenomenon in question:

"The notion that infidelity always reveals something about the marriage continues to impose on couples demands that no one in any other realm of health care would countenance. That an affair has occurred obviously means that the marriage was vulnerable, that the pattern of marital interaction allowed it to happen. (But) That does not mean that the affair is a function of that pattern.....A character flaw allows some to choose dishonorable ways of feeling better because of their own shortcomings. This is not a shortcoming of your marriage. Nothing ever makes an individual trustworthy except his or her own good character. An affair need not show anything wrong with the marriage, but it always shows something wrong with the unfaithful spouse - a person who does not keep promises and engages in deceit is, by definition, unreliable. Yes, you might be able to decrease the partner's unhappiness; then you will have taken the responsibility for keeping the party happy enough that he or she won’t do what they should never be willing to do anyway." - Shirley Glass (one of her last interviews before her passing)

BTW, I REALY like the "Rogues gallery". Too bad it's not for real. I could add some real "losers" to their database!

Ron, are you sure about your quote? I've never seen it attributed to Shirly Glass before. It's word for word out of a book review on Amazon dated, I think, in 2002. Did the reviewer plagerize something from Dr. Glass? Can you tell me the date of that interview?

Here's the Amazon.com book review:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/custome...155&s=books

Color me confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Longhorn,

Good question. I followed your "link"...sure enough. Back in "the day" (before my wife passed), I was in the habit of sending myself e-mail of various links & quotes to facilitate my "study". The quote I cited is from 1/6/2005 and "labeled" only "interesting concept" (shrug). Perhaps it was not the good doctor's quote (although that's what's indicated on my "note to self") <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />. We'll have to double check that!

Nonetheless, I still find the quote an "interesting concept"...also find Dr. Glass' NOT "Lust Friends" the most illuminating of all the books on infidelity & internet chat I've collected over the years. She had an uncanny insight.

LH,

Actually, having re-read that whole review, it would appear that what I've cited is only a "bit" of the whole. Whoever wrote that "review" of the Emily Brown book was no dummy (I get the "feel" of a medical type from the words used..."it shares the dogma that affairs are always systemic").

Not exactly what one would want as a foreword for their published manuscript. Good thing I never purchased the Brown book, although I've several (actually many) others that "push" the same message.

I like the..."I've seen marriages destroyed by well-meaning therapists who convince partners that something is wrong with the marriage, when there isn't, really--when some individual therapy or moral education for the betrayer could have saved the marriage. I've seen therapists ratify the betrayed person's broken sense of self by telling them they had a role in bringing it on themselves, thus forever warping their understanding of themselves and of the moral demands of marriage. Ms. Brown invites more of the same.

All in the name of a dogma-both partners contribute-that makes no scientific or logical sense....hmmmm

Ronnie:

JUst thought I would bid you a hello. I hope all is well in your life these days (well, I don't mean "all well".....but better. YOu deserve some good times in your life.


ok, t/J OVER.

LM

Cool. The words in that quote are indeed very thought provoking and they sound like they were written by a professional counselor. Also, Dr. Glass's Not "Just Friends" is on my bookshelf and I re-read it from time to time because I value her insights myself.

I was really hoping you could point me toward an interview of hers, perhaps a fuller discussion of what is contained in that quote because it IS so intriguing. The quote may be complete, in and of itself though. I guess I'll have to be content with what is there. Wherever the words came from, they need to be considered thoughtfully huh?

LM,

Made me pause for a moment there...only my sisters call me Ronnie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

All is well my friend. Life, as they say, goes on. Thanks for asking.

I found the article very interesting and it sounds hopeful for marriage recovery. One thing that always puzzles me. If an A is exposed and the WS is immediately sorry and wants to stay in the marriage, it seems that recovery would be likely. What I always find confusing is when the WS leaves and doesn't seem to want to R. I have read SAA and understand about the "addiction" but it puzzles me when a WS can walk away from a spouse they truly love. To cause someone you love so much pain seems cruel. I've read all the info on MB and understand the words but I always come back to this point which I don't understand.

IF my WS can walk away from me and go to OW while still saying he loves me, is that really love? I want to believe it but it seems so odd. I want to think that my WS will wake up one day soon and realize that he was temporarily insane but I sometimes panic and wonder if I am fooling myself.

Sorry to be so pessimistic but I am feeling low today.

Nkay