As much as I love the woman, being in the same house is driving me nuts. She doesn't want to work it out and to keep any sanity I have left and retain what love I do still feel for her, something has to change.

She can't move out on her own without quitting school. This woman has a long history of quitting things she started, like our marriage for instance. If she drops out for a "break" she'll have a hard time getting back in, of that I'm certain.

This seperation, I would hope, is only temporary. I'd have the kids four days of the week while she works nights and she'd have them the other three.

FN

4th...

If you move out, OM will, more likely than not, MOVE IN!!! Even if you *think* the A is over...and *if* it is...it WILL resume...AND he WILL spend the night...with your children THERE!!!

Should a divorce be in the works, regarding custody of your children, the abandoment issue will kill your case...

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!

If anyone goes, she goes...her school, is really a non issue when weighed against the above probabilities, wouldn't you agree???

Mrs. Wondering

Many, Many reasons.

1. You can't work on your marriage if you are not in the house

2. You will make it easy for her to avoid the consequences of her actions

3. How can you do an effective Plan A and attract her back into the marriage when you aren't living there?

4. You will harm your case for custody.

5. You give her caret blance to screw OM in your house with your children present

There's millions of reasons why this is a bad idea.

Never shelter a WS from the consequences of their actions.

The OM is in another state, but yes, I see your point.

And I was not abandoning the kids, they'd be with me more than their mother, however I'm beginning to think that being at home, even with us in different rooms is still at least a resemblance of normality for them.

And I'm not sure if I made the school thing out to be as important as it really is. This woman has zero self-esteem. She was sheltered by her parents and is very passive/aggressive. She has never accomplished anything in her life other than the birth of our two kids.

Should she drop out, it back to a life of working at Wal-Mart because she knows nothing else. I don't want that for my kids.

I was hoping that the reality of what joint-custody and her being by herself looked like would be shock enough to wake her up. Who knows. I'm confused as crap right now, what I had peace about earlier is smothered in doubt now.



FN

FN -

I can understand your desire to get out. I have that same desire at times. I can't give you a "clinical" answer as to why you shouldn't go, but I can give you my personal perspective and you can draw from that what you may.

My primary reason for not leaving is that it won't accomplish anything, and may cause more harm than good.

First, it'd be hard on the kids. When MP was working nights earlier this year, plus weekends, it was really hard on both DS11 and DD3, especially since MP had been a SAHM for the last 4 years. This is the only environment DD has known her entire life, and to suddenly have dad (or mom) gone, and just stopping by to visit, would do tons of emotional damage to her. I am the only father DS11 really knows, and I've been involved in his life since he was 5. If I leave, what impression will that give him? Not to mention the loss of a male role model, no matter how flawed I am/was.

Second, it would allow my wife to not face the problems we have (IMO). She wants a separation to get to know the "new" me, as she puts it, but without having the old me pop up in her mind every time she looks at me. A valid complaint, but running away never solves anything, and even though I am becoming a new me, we still have to deal with the old me and the old/current her, because if we don't we will never truly solve the root problems in our marriage. Problems have to be dealt with directly, not from a distance.

Third, while I believe that there is a time to cut bait, so to speak, I do not believe now is the time to do so (for me). I am trying very hard to do my part to recover our marriage and rebuild it. Have I made mistakes along the way? Sure - probably a lot. However, my place is in my home with my kids and my wife. I have spent too long abdicating my position as head of household, and will do so no longer.

Of course, there are a lot of logistical and financial issues involved in a separation for MP and I, which is probably why she hasn't pushed for it.

I understand your desire to get out of the fire. There have been several times when I've wanted nothing more than (to use a military analogy) break contact and disengage; fall back; retreat. I do my best to fight through that - if I need to I'll go out for a few hours to collect my thoughts and get my feet back under me.

The biggest problem with a separation is that it may very well not be temporary. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. Stay there - work your Plan A, work on yourself, don't push, don't demand. From your sig line, it looks like NC is not yet firmly established (same problem with us), so your wife is most likely not even through withdrawal yet. If you can get NC in place, your wife may very well recognize that you stuck with her through thick and thin, and that can speak volumes.

Hang in there. Go out with some friends if you need a break, but I'd suggest you not leave just yet.

Try to get this book from your library or buy it online

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572241...ce&n=283155

I know exactly what you mean. It's a lot easier than say getting first squad to lay down cover fire while I lead second squad in a flanking movement, then popping smoke for 1sq to lift and shift and then plow through with 2nd. All the while I have 3rd squad in reserve should something happen. And yes, I did make contengincy to leave my PSG in charge should something happen to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

IYAIYAC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Not sure if she's ever been offically diagnosed with anything other than what our MC hinted at - P/A

FN

Isn't that the way is usually is in Plan A?


One of the consequences of her actions is having to face you daily, knowing that she betrayed you in the worst possible way. She may not acknowledge it, but I'm willing to bet that on some level she realizes it. Additionally, why should you leave? You're trying to do the right thing - if you leave, that shows her that she can have an affair and still have the house (and part-custody of the kids), at least temporarily.


If you're losing love for her, then you might want to consider Plan B. You might also want to examine your motives behind Plan A - I know I have to on a daily basis. Are you doing it to make a better you and end the affair, with a possible bonus of winning your wife back, or are you doing it solely to win your wife back? (An honest question - I'm not trying to imply anything).

Why should YOU be denied access and custody of your children for even one minute. I don't care if she's giving you the silent treatment, flaunting her affair in your face, whatever (read Dazed Thread where this is discussed). You must have the patience to outlast her childishness, continue putting enormous pressure on the affair and make her do all the leg work. If she wants you out, you don't discuss it...she cheats, she leaves...she's a big girl and the door is open (make her walk through that abandonment/desertion legal trap not you).

If she does file you file for SOLE custody (you can always relax on that issue after the divorce...if there ever is one). You are not to use your children as a weapon but as a magnet to attract her back to your marriage. The mere threat of taking SOLE custody (which in many states and in front of many judges you may get considering her adultery especially if SHE moves out). This is one reason you keep a journal of everything you do for the children (which is usually a ton with a WS in the house as they are solely consumed with their addiction).

Pain = change...and by sticking around you are delivering it. I know it's painful to you but I think you can keep it up for a little longer...can't you. Read up on detaching, get the "Love must be Tough" book.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

*if you ignore us (which is obviously always your perogative and decide to move out anyway BE CERTAIN to get a separation agreement in writing...you do not want to be accussed of abandonment. Then continue to journal as she will likely fail to maintain her end of the custody arrangement which can be useful if you decide down the line to fight for full custody. See Mortarman...he did a 4 day/4 day rotation...and didn't give up any of his days and took the kids whenever wife couldn't. It's not fair that you take the kids EVERY weekend while WW is off playing (not that you don't love the kids but you'll need some weekends off to make WW believe you are moving on and for reality to be in place with her Affair.)

I thought that my moving out was what Plan B is? I need to go back and study it up some more. And yes, I am doing whatever I can to make a better me, for my sake and for he sake of my kids. Trust me my friend, your question was valid and you by no means insulted me. Thank you for your candor.


I get it now, and you're absolutely right. She can live in the downstairs bedroom and that may be more than enough right now. It also helps her realize that the kids still see that we have issues. THGAT prompts my DD to pray nonstop, bless her darling 10yo little heart.

Thanks all,

FN

OK and your moving out would improve this situation in what way? If your goal is to improve this situation and move into recovery separation is not the answer. Your wife is still in withdrawal. She won't want to work on anything until that finishes. If there is still NC, withdrawal is set back.


Hmm. You moving out and continuing to finance her schooling, letting her keep your house and custody of your children. Oh yes, silly me. Of course she has consequences. Silly me.


I seriously doubt that will happen any time soon. You are still very early on the timeline. You must establish NC for at least 6-8 weeks. You will then be amazed at how things will start to change. And you need to be there when they start changing because then you truely do have a fighting chance.


It's abandonment if you move out. She could claim this. You give her a strong legal position.


Ya know, I can get over the otherside of the world in 12 hours. It's amazing what you can do these days if you have a mind for it.

She might also find someone else more geographically available.


C'mon FN. Do a good plan A. Get her to establish NC and do whatever you have to to ensure that happens. Show her you are capable and willing to meet your EN's. She does seem to be willing to meet some of yours (SF) Give your marriage a chance. Move out and it has much, much less chance.

Plan B is a last resort when everything else fails to END an affair. You are no where near that place yet IMHO.

FN

I have this book

let me go grab it....

what like about this book is this

it gives the person dealing with erratic behavior some tools



Taking back control of your life

making changes within yourself

understanding your situation

setting boundaries and developing skills

asserting your needs with confidence and clarity

developing a safety plan

protecting children from behavior

.... and if there is not a diagnosis ... the guide is still helpful

my my don't the replies stach up when you are typing a reply. LOL

HAHA!

Ok, you've all made very very good points and I concede to those who have BTDT. I called my parents and have told them that I'm staying at the house instead.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must tell the WW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


FN

Wear one of those fancy tin foil helmets like in the movie Signs .... it keeps alien moosebrains from seeping into your head

don't argue

simply state this as FACT

"I have decided I am staying in this house."

"WHAT??? NO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> YOU NEED TO GO !!! >>>> snarl<<<<"

"Nevertheless, I have decided to stay here."

repeat your response like a broken record

you do NOT need to explain ~why~ you want to stay in your own home !!!

LOL Pep. Love ya work.

Nah, she won't put up a fight at all.

It's strange though, we're both devout Christians and a month or so ago she said God had told her to stay. I asked her about that this morning and she just shrugged her shoulders <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

FN

FN -


Try not to read too much into what she says. It's easy to do (I can spend hours reviewing a single sentence from MP if I don't stop myself), but it's usually fruitless. If she hasn't established NC, she's probably going to be flip-flopping for a while.

At this point, actions speak louder than words - for both of you. Your actions must speak for your intentions and desires, and her actions will show you her intentions and desires.

Try and look for trends - is the overall trend up, neutral, or down. I.e., is she acting more like your wife, or the WW? When you get frustrated, try to focus on the positives (I know that is incredibly hard to do). Above all, as many on this board will attest to, don't put a whole lot of stock into what she says. Listen, yes, and try to discern the truth of what she says, but don't get wrapped up in it (unless it is truly significant).

That's probably one of the single most reassuring things I've heard in awhile, thanks.

And Pep, that was some funny stuff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Z