Hello,

I've lurked on this site for a couple of years now and finally decided to post. I posted on another site for about 2 years in an attempt to save my marriage. While the marriage wasn't saved, I wound up saving myself.

I've been D'd for 4 1/2 years now. For the sake of making a long boring story short, I was a BS. For the sake of making the story even shorter, he'd tell you that I drove him crazy. And I'd tell you that it was a pretty short drive. Thankfully, I have moved on from what felt like living an episode of the Jerry Springer show and I'm pretty content with my life now.

The reason I'm here is to learn and share with people in similar circumstances. I've dated some but no big set-the- world-on-fire romances. While I'm not closed to the possiblity, I'm not really looking for a relationship now.

Mostly just interested in friendships (without benefits - even though that doesn't seem to be the popular choice these days)and companionships.

Is there anyone else out there like me?

Yes, alot of us. Just post any questions/comments.

Hi Fraulein
I'm a long time lurker too. I rarely post but come here everyday to read. I've been divorced for 5 years now. I found MB after I was divorced but these forums really helped me get through the pain and find some understanding as to what went wrong in my marriage. I was the BS (several times) in my 13 year marriage until I finally found the courage to say "No More". I've had a few dates in the past 5 years and I've tried the Match.com scene too but really haven't had much success. So yes, to answer your question-there are other people out there like you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the replies. The other messageboard has a catagory for surviving the divorce but nothing for when you are further down the road. I think I still need a little guidance.

One question that I have, and forgive me, it's probably been asked before is that I wonder if my thoughts are typical about dating and relationships. Everyone I know that has D'd thinks that dating is a necessary step to "get back on the horse." Part of the recovery process. I am so disinterested that I wonder if I'm normal. The world seems to revolve around couples and I could care less at this time. Of course, if you don't date, everyone assumes that you are a bittered divorce women. I hope I'm not, I don't hate men or bash them or believe that they are all bad by anys means. I don't even think that my xh is bad guy, a little confused perhaps, but not a bad guy. I was badly burned but I would like to think that I have dealt with that realistically.

I think that in the beginning, I sought out dates to prove to myself that I was somehow still desireable. After a couple of bad ones - I realized that staying home alone with a good book was preferable to being out with someone that I didn't particularly care for.

Since then, I just haven't met anyone that I could get interested in.

I do miss sex in a way but I have recommitted to saving myself for marriage. That means I may NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN! LOL And surprisingly it's not as difficult as I would have previously imagined. This was one of the reasons that I didn't get alot of second dates when I was younger.

I know that if or when I do meet someone, I am committed to building on a solid foundation this time. And that means forgoing immediate gratification and doing things the "right" way. I just hope my resolve will withstand that kind of test. LOL

Anyway, it looks like I'm rambling here - the question is am I really a rarity for feeling the way I do?

I don't date, and it is because I am a BUSY divorce women.

We specically asked for this board, and it is helpful. Some of us have dated and backed off. People are at all different stages. What you are likely to find here is people who are not rushing to fill a void with just anyone, but trying to find the right person, and waiting if necessary.

Hi Fraulein
I can't figure out how to use the quote button!
I spent the first year post-divorce being totally uninterested in dating. I was so happy to be away from the drama of my past relationship that I just enjoyed my own quiet company. Then I started to hear friends and family asking me why I didn't "try dating someone". I found that I really did enjoy the companionship but there was never any real excitement or desire to get serious with anyone.
To be quite honest I think I unconsciously chose men to date who were "safe". Men who liked me more than I liked them-that way I wouldn't get hurt again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I do hope one day I'll meet someone, and fall madly in love, and be able to risk putting my heart on the line! For me its a very scary thought!

Fraulein, I'm not divorced yet, but my WH left over 5 years ago. 1 1/2 years after WH left, I ended contact. Soon after that, I dated a guy friend for a while, mostly to feel desirable. We're back to being friends and I'm definitely not dating until my divorce is final. Even then, I feel kind of like you - not really interested. I think I need this time alone, but I sometimes worry it will become a habit.

Shilohsmom, the quote button should put the whole post you click it on in a quote box. If not, put the word "quote" (without the " ") in [ ] in front of what you want to quote and then "/quote" (w/o " ") in [ ] at the end.

Newly, Shilohsmom, and LetsTry,

I can't tell you how comforting it is to read your replies. I can relate to each one of you.

Newly, I'm a busy divorced woman also - I work fulltime and go to school. I didn't want to rush to fill a void either, partly because I don't rush anything - I like to think things through first. And partly because there are things that are much worse than being alone! I've felt like it was important for me to find healthy ways to fill the void and not rely on someone else to fill it when I should be doing it myself.

Shilohsmom,
(HA! - thought I'd take a stab at that quote button!)
Boy, did I feel that too! Everyday that I could wake up in the morning without the knot in my stomach was calm and peaceful. It started that way in the beginning. Now, I've kind of gotten used to my routine and it's difficult to imagine changing it to accomodate someone else.

Letstry,

I think I need this time alone too and I wouldn't question it so much if people weren't looking at me with pity because I'm alone. I get the "you ought to find yourself a man" thing and I haven't found a snappy comeback for that one yet!

Sometimes I think I gave the best to give the first time around - and that scares me. When I was younger and naive and still believed in "the dream", it seemed like I could give without expecting anything in return. Now I selfishly find myself wondering what's in it for me. I don't like that - I hope it's just another passing phase. Maybe I am cynical or bitter and I just don't realize it.

I went to IC when we split, my x refused to go. I kept going for myself and it has helped me to understand why my M failed. It's been the best thing that I've ever done for me.

I'll post more about that later.

Thanks again.

Fraulein, Reading your responses made me think that maybe I'm lucky to still be married since it gives me an excuse to not date. Despite that, I've gotten some questioning from friends and family about why I'm not dating - since H has been gone for over 5 years.


I know that feeling, too. I no longer believe in "Prince/Princess Charming" and "happily ever after" the way I used to. But maybe it's not bitter or cynical, maybe it's realistic.



I also went to IC as well as Al-Anon, which I still attend. This whole experience has definitely forced me to look at myself and grow in confidence and self-knowledge.

Hello fraulein,

I don't think you are a rarity in the way you feel.I have been around here for years and there are many people who feel the same.I am one.My divorce is almost finalized and we have been at the process a long time but for a big chunk of that time,I have been on my own,raising my children and doing very well.Oddly,or not so oddly,I have no desire to be out there dating and be with a man.I'm fairly certain it's because I am very fulfilled in my life that being with a man would be an additon to my life,not the whole of it.Another reason why is when I do begin to date again I know I will do fine if it doesn't work out becuase I am so secure with everything else about my life.

That's not to say that I wouldn't really enjoy being with someone else.I know I have a lot to offer but I also have a discriminating eye and I am not going to get involved with just anyone.He has to be secure( financially,emotionally,mentally) and handsome would be nice too! It still amazes me that I don't have this strong urge to be out there having sex.I thank God for that because like you,I will wait to be with a man who I feel safe and secure with and whom I know I will have some sort of future.I have read time and again certain people here who date before the divorce is a done deal,which I don't agree with( this is afterall: Dating AFTER Divorce...board),and have realized that as a mistake.

I think you will be fine.Life isn't just about men.There's children,parents,friends,charity work,volunteering,our careers,adventure,travel,pets.Lots to fill up our hours each day.It doesn't have to center around "When will my next date be?" or "Will he ever call again?" Don't try and "measure" what feels right for YOU to anyone else.You can date whenever and however much you want when you want.Getting back on that horse( of life) usually means you are in the saddle alone right? That's where true happiness begins.You.

Welcome to MB!

Hi Ladies!

Add me to the list of being divorced almost 6 years and not dating. Tried for a while, but wasn't getting what I really wanted or needed


I'm busy raising my daughter, working, maintaining a home and spending time with friends and family. I'm used to being alone now, and it's not all that bad! I can eat what I want, when I want, spend what I want, when I want, etc.

I miss sex and the closeness a solid relationship can bring, but I too am recommitted to waiting until marriage with Mr. Rest of My Life. I am doing this for God, for myself, for my future H and my daughter.
I used to think that I was *wasting* the best sexual years of my life because I was so young when I divorced. But now, I realize that although it is an important aspect to a relationship, knowing yourself and what you can bring to the table is equally important! Taking the time to get to know me has been such a blessing!

It's nice to meet you all! Take care!

God Bless,
EOG

Thanks for the replies. I have been reading, I haven't had a chance to post lately. I've been busy.

Well, I said previously that I would post more about my past. Not sure how relevent it is but for the sake of knowing where I come from, it might be helpful for where I'm going these days.

The story goes something like this.

In hindsight, there were cracks in the foundation from the beginning. We came from tremendously different backgraounds - different morals, goals, and values. But, when I was young and naive, I still believed that love conquered all - there isn't anything that can't be overcome. Right?

We dated for 4 years before we married, I did have some reservations, but he applied subtle pressure and it seemed like the next logical step. I was 26 and he was 23 - not exactly kids. I suppose I thought I was ready but viewing in retrospect, I didn't have a clue. No kids, but that's a whole nother story.

The early years were the best - we had nothing materially but we were the happiest then. We lived in a trailor and life was simple. We didn't do much - it wasn't an issue because we didn't have any money. The stuff we did was free or next to it. A Friday night date at the Dairy Queen was a big deal. LOL

He got a better job and so did I. He started going to school nights and I took care of the household stuff after work. Seemed to work OK but I began to resent the time he spent away. One of the biggest mistakes that I learned that I made after reading this site and through counseling was that I didn't communicate my dissatisfaction properly. Instead of just asking for what I wanted, I did it in the usual way of the unenlightened female - like nails on a chalkboard, I became the typical nagging wife.Ugh!

I didn't like what was happening with him - as he went to school and started up the ladder at work, his attitude began to change. I know it sounds clique to say we grew apart but we either did that or we failed to grow together. Sometimes I'm not sure which. Either way, I sensed the distance. The sense of humility that first attracted me to him was slowly replaced with the attitude of an arrogant elitist. He developed this sense of entitlement that really bothered me.

With that attitude came his entitlement to other women. I'm not sure how many. His secretary was the last. I blindly trusted him - never suspected a thing. I wasn't happy either but I never thought about cheating so I [censored]/u/med that he didn't either.Thankfully, it's not a crime to be young and dumb. LOL

So, initially I still wanted to save the marriage - even knowing about the infidelity. I set a 6 month timelime for things to either improve or end. We separated and my thoughts began to change. For however much I didn't want the D in the beginning, I wanted it very much in the end.

I went to counseling and slowly my self respect began to return. I suggested counseling to him but he would have no part of it. I kept going and learned a lot about myself, my needs, and what I want from life.

It's strange but about the time I started reaching a good adjustment with the situation was about the time he hinted about coming back. During that time, I had done a complete turnaround emotionally speaking. It was like the trapdoor opened and I could see the light of day. I knew that even if it meant spending the rest of my life with NO ONE, that was preferable to spending it with him.

We D'd in '01 and I'm at peace with my decision. I haven't looked back since. Everyday hasn't been a bed of roses, I have less money now but I do have peace of mind and contentment - things that are important to me. Things I do, I do for ME and not to please someone else. It sounds selfish but it's what I need to do for now.

Well, there you have it - a total of 23 years condensed to a few paragraphs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Next time, I'll write more about where I'm at currently.

Thanks for listening...

welcome. i'm new myself. i just learned the secret divorced person handshake.

your situation is similar to mine. the early years were the best then the sucesses of married life took over and.....

my d goes final in about six weeks or so.

look forward to swapping stories and advice.

Thanks for the Welcome, gekko.

Sorry about your D - I never know whether to offer congratulations or condolences...

BTW, your screen name reminds me of Gordon Gekko (sp?) the Michael Douglas character from the movie "Wall Street." Either that or you are a boater?

Hey, got a big question for the followers of MB but am about to fall asleep - I'll try to post it this weekend.

Thanks everyone for all your encouraging words.