I have been married for three years. When my DH and I got married we were going to church together. We actually met in church. Shortly after we were married the abuse started. He stopped going to church and got into pornography. He got a second job and he would be very flirtatious with the female coworkers. He became mean, unresponsive, and verbally abusive to me. I tried to work things out and talk to him but he would ignore me or blame me for causing all of our problems. He would hang at his families house for hours and hours when he had the spare time and he spent no time with me. If I objected to anything he would do, he would become verbally abusive or totally ignore me. Life was pure ****** for me. I became severely depressed and suicidle. I also developed high blood pressure and diabetes during this time. To make a long story short, my husband rededicated his life to the Lord a few months ago and he changed instantaneously. No more pornography, no second job, etc.

He even wanted us to renew our vows and he made a covenant with me in those vows which meant a lot to both of us. He was the man I fell in love with 3 years ago. Through that time he stopped hanging so much with his family (they live next door) and he would spend time with me. He still would go over there and talk to them but he was respectful to me and would make time for me. Life has been wonderful for the first time in 3 years. He would shower me with love and affection and he was very thoughtful and made an effort to meet my needs. The love bank was overflowing!

Just recently he has started little by little to change. He has started hanging around with his family more and leaving me alone. When I try to talk to him about it he says there is nothing wrong with it, and he will yell at me and he refuses to acknowledge my feelings. He is starting to say mean things to me again and tonight he blamed me for his inability to serve God. He said because of me he is not going to church anymore and that he is not in covenant with me any longer. I feel like the abusive is starting all over again. I reminded him of his promises to God and to me and he just ignored me. Just like he did before. Before, he would say hideous things to me and then the next day he would say he was sorry. His sorry's got to the point where they were just words to get him out of trouble and nothing more. I feel like it is the same way now.

I am scared. I don't want the person he was to come back. I don't think I could go through all of that again. Do you think I am at fault for all of this? Am I causing him to give up on God? What, if anything can I do?
DayStar

There's no fault in marriage, DS...and welcome to a place that knows this.

You have your part, he has his, and then there is the marriage.

Your H didn't change his beliefs...and you haven't changed yours. That's why change doesn't stick. You've picked up on abusive cycle...and 3 months is about the duration most see, though not all.

Let me ask you...where's the counseling? MC and IC? Where are your boundaries and how do you enforce them?

You cannot control another person--God didn't make humans with that power. Therefore, you can't get in his way to God, make him angry, make him disrespect or anything else.

Just as you have your choices, he has his. Seperate and equal humans. There is a ton you can do...read a lot of books, learn what your boundaries are and how to enforce them. Change yourself, your beliefs, and learn your payoffs.

Counseling with your pastor, learning great communication skills, figuring out what your marriage is based on. Leaning on God who led you here (MB) and to this point in your marriage for a purpose. Learning your worth, your power...lots of stuff you can do.

Welcome...read about The Love Bank, Love Busters, Emotional Needs here...in the articles section. Get HNHN to better understand how humans work. Open yourself up to a whole new perspective and know you're choosing to do this.

LA

"I swore never to be silent whenever or wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides; neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." - Elie Wiesel


I hear you. I can feel your words and read what is inbetween.

Your best defence is knowledge. Your second best is support, and not just spiritual, but acknowledging support for you feelings and concerns.

Try these sites:

http://www.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse/123124/latest/7

http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/emotional_blackmail.htm

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