So xH's been back home (after 2 yrs) for one month now. And everything seems to be ok until this week.
Calls and text messages are out of control again between him and OW ...
Confronted him, he said that they are talking about OC , bullS BullS ...
Then last night he changed the password to the cell phone account without telling me ... and we had the SAME conversation AGAIN ... he said: you don't trust me ... I need my privacy, blah blah ...
We are only friends ...
I told him - you don't know how to be friends with her ...
She's just waiting for you to fall back in the same situation with her ... she does not respect our relationship because you don't respect our relationship ... you don't let her go ...

I'm not going down this road again, I CAN'T ...

Mily - He doesn't need to be friends with her. My heart goes out to you. Lay down the law, but be sure that you are willing to follow through. Don't let him do this to you again. If the huzzy needs to speak with him, then she needs to call your home, not his cell. The OW and him should not be friends. They need to deal with OC, that's all, friendship is out the door.

Excuse me, but, PRIVACY, he needs an ole fashioned tail whippin. I'm sorry if I was too blunt.

I'll say a special prayer for you today.

{{{MILY}}} BTDT...I am sorry, sweetie.

Thanks for your comments.

It is just so frustrating. He does not understand why he can not be friends with her. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T! ... because you have a history together ... because you are weak ... because she's just there waiting ... waiting ...

So he says, there's nothing going on between OW and me ... I think I know that but if he continues down that path again, they will ...

Anyway, I'm just rambling now ...
what do I tell him? how does he understand?
He is the typical conflict avoider ... he's not listening to what I'm saying ...
what do I tell him?

Decide what rules that you need to set that will make you feel as comfortable as you can under these circumstances.
Like, no phone calls on cell or at work, she must call your house. He can not call her unless you are home, and he must keep the call in the same room as you. If she calls while you are out, then he must tell you right away of any C.

And how does he expect you to trust him when he cheated before, and now he hides the fact of the C and then changing his password??? It does not look right.

Tell him (if you guys have C with OC) that is only time there is to be C, all other must come to a end. That it is not right and fair to your marriage that he remains friends with her. you guys just got back together to try and work out the marriage and you did not agree to having the OW in your life. That he needs to put your marriage first and end the C.

Take a deep breath, I know you will be shaking inside with drawing the line in the sand, but remain calm and make sure he knows that you mean it, and will not tolerate it. Be prepared with standing by your rules if he crosses the line.

Ask him how he would feel if he was in your shoes.

Sorry to hear that you are having to go thru this again, i got my fingers crossed that your H will wake up and smell the coffee and realize what he needs to do.

Mily:

So, so very sorry for your pain. I think most of us have been there a time or two. Gawd, I can feel that empty pit in your stomach for you. I think Crazy said it well.

He KNOWS he can't be friends. I just don't get the crap about having to talk about OC several times a day or even a week. That's something my H has never done. Thank god - I don't need that one on top of all of the other crap that has gone on. And then to change his password like you've done something wrong.

Boy, I don't know what advice to give you. Gut instinct says kick his [censored] to the curb. Only you are in the sitch and can make that decision. However, they have proven that given it let be, they'll continue their path.

thanks ... this helps
you get it! why doesn't he?

Anyway, he said we will talk tonight.
He knew this was the last chance to make it work. You would think that he knows better ... but apparently he doesn't ...

I already told him that I don't mind a call a day to ask about OC. And I don't.
It is the constant calls and the constant text messaging that it is not necessary ... and drives me crazy and get me into parania mode
- one call a day ... if there is any special situation going on with OC - let me know


that's exactly what I feel ...

The main problem here is that he has taken all the responsiblity for the A and he keeps apologizing to OW for everything that happened. So she thinks she has all the rights in the world to complain and complain and intrude in his life.

She knew he was married. I even gave her the benefit of the doubt ... may be she didn't know ... but no, she knew he was married, she knew he was not going to leave ... she said so ...

Even after all this s%it, and all the things that they both done, he's way too nice to her ...

If I let him go through with this without doing anything, I JUST know they will re-start things again ...
I'm tired ...

He needs to let go the friendship or let go of us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
And in case that's it, and it is not us ... I'm not going to move a finger to do anything ... I don't have the energy nor the desire to continue on this situation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mily, what ended the daily C with OW for my H was this... I told him every time he hangs up the phone with her he needs to call me and give me a summary of the call. Guess what happened? He stopped answering. Now he answer occassionally when she hang up and call back several times. Now he says "if it is important, she will leave a message". Your H is disrespecting you and your relationship by being friendly with OW outside of minimal C for the sake of OC. Set your OWN boundary and if he crosses YOUR boundary then you do what YOU have to do to protect yourself.

SO sorry to hear this Mily!

Mily,

I can't imagine what you are going through. My gut instinct would also say kick him to the curb. I understand C regarding OC but not if its in secret and numerous times a day. I know I would not be able to handle the situation all over again. He should not do anything that makes you uncomfortable and he should respect all of your requests. His life should be an open book for everyone to see. Hold his feet to the fire....

Just wondering, when you orginally found about A, what kind of remorse did he show?

This is his last chance ... after I found about the A, he didn't show any remorse ... two weeks later I asked him to leave and he left.
Then 6 months later he wanted to come back, that's when he told me about OC ... took him back too quickly, after a week of feeling no changes from him, I asked him to leave, he left. No remorse.
2 months and a half later, the same story, this time he stayed 6 weeks. No remorse.
Then we try 'dating' for one year ...
6 months into the dating OW told me he was giving hopes to her (cake eating) ... this time I asked her to come home and we confronted him.
He chose me, he showed remorse ... for the first and probably the only time.
and he's been home now for a month and he's back into the same attitude again ...
we couldn't talk last night, he came late from work. I was tired and scared.
Tonight I will be waiting for him.
If he walks out of the door again, it will be his last.
I'm too tired to keep up with this ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Talked to xH yesterday ...
We had a very good conversation ... meaning it was not only me talking ...
On the talks with OW - he said he does not want to loose C with OW ... after his first divorce, he lost C with his first son because issues with his xW ... he said he doesn't want that to happen with Oc.
Then he said that me checking up on his calls was manipulation.
No, it is protection. Given the history that you have with OW, I'm trying to protect us from going through the same thing again.

Then he said that HE IS SCARED TO LOOSE ME! - that one I was not expecting!
I told him - that's not what I'm getting on this side ... from this side all I'm seeing is that you want to reestablish a R with OW ... that you don't take in consideration my feelings and that you don't want to be with me.

He said he loved me and wanted to be with me ... but there were somedays that he thought that may be we needed more time before he moving back in ...
So I asked him, do you want to stay here or do you want to leave ... it you want to leave, I'm not going to be with you ... I can't, I'm not that strong ...

He said that I'm the strongest woman he's ever met ... that I don't deserve the way he treats me.
I told him he made a priority to have a good relationship with Ow and OC but not with us.

So hopefully after yesterday's talk, things will get better for us ...
so far between yesterday and today no text messages and no calls ...

Thanks for all your help and concerns!

I'm still praying for you....I won't stop.

sorry i could not chime in earlier I would suggest you tell him that you are trying to avoid the historic circle that you have seen time and time again from him.

He slowly keeps his contact going stronger and stronger till eventually he has sucked the ow back into the triangle. NOT very good for his marriage or should i say relationship now with you.

Relationship is 2 people not 3. I know if only they could see it they would understand... WS need to stop and take a step back and look at it in a diff way as if it was his friend or relative acting that way maybe he could then see it for what it really is.

Mily,

So sorry I haven't been around & just saw your post today. I pray things are going much better & XH has seen the light!

U were given some very very good advice but also as a "sister" who has been there & gone thru it all, I too say draw the line in the sand w/ him. OC is almost 2 right? U guys have legal visitation & CS is being paid right? Then there is no reason what so ever to talk, text, email or anything of that nature everyday. NONE! It will only lead to disaster. They can come up w/ all kinds of excuses as to why they need to talk to OW, or OW needs to call everyday all day, why can't conversations go thru u? Or better yet u be on the phone when she calls the house. There is NOTHING that needs to be said between them privately IMO. The relationship he has w/ u & the child u have together must be the priority & receive the utmost respect, and he is the only one who can make that happen & show OW where his loyalties lie. They always seem to think that they can't be a good father to OC unless they treat OW w/ kid gloves. That is totally crap, that is what the court is for to protect the father's rights, but they don't want to trust it or at least they use the excuse that they feel they have to keep a "friendship" w/ OW. It will never work. OW has to know her place, she exchanged body fluids w/ a MM & bore his child, she is a "baby mama" thats it. She can't be his friend, phone/email buddy none of that. He is the only one who will make her see that. Any unnecessary converastion needs to cease immediately!

I am praying for u too sweetie, even though I am not around here much, I never stopped.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mily}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

disaster is very near now ...
I'm done ... he keeps calling her ... I saw a TM the other day from her "I love you" ...
And he wants to go there tomorrow for Mother's day because I'm not going to tell him when to see his son ...

I'm done ... after last night's 'discussion' on why he shouldn't go to her house on Mother's Day, on how is a lack of respect to me and our relationship ... on how he says that 'it's just like any other day' ... I told him, if you don't understand why you should not be there with her tomorrow instead with me, I'm done ... I don't have anything else to say to you.
I just feel that he is with me because of DD, not because he loves me or wants to be with me ...
I feel he is with me because he doesn't have any other place to go ...
I feel that he's back into a relationshp with OW again ...
I'm done ... that's going to be my Mother's day gift for tomorrow ... another breakup with him .... but this time is the last one.

Mily -
I am so sorry to read your post. I have to agree with you - it sounds like it is time to be done w/H.
I know you will have to deal with him because of DD but it may be time for that to be your only dealings with him.
You are a smart, beautiful woman who still has alot of life to live - I hope you can go forward and put this whole relationship behind you. You don't deserve to have your H and his OW/OC drama constantly controlling your emotions and life. You deserve a happy life free of all this junk.
Happy Mother's Day!

Beth

(((((MILY)))))

im so sorry for you. but you know what, you tried, you can freely walk away now knowing you gave all you had to make this work. d is already done, you are free to be you now. h doesnt deserve you. take dd and go on vacation, even if short, you deserve it.

i agree with ttmiw, its time to let him go. youve been through alot its time to live your life. if nessasary, move away from area for awhile. that is what i would have to do untill i got over the pain and could look at him agaain without feeling hurt. but that is me.

were here for you mily, you tried, that is more then others have done. i wish you the best, have a happy mothers day anyway, you dont need him for that.

imtswife

(((((((((((((mily))))))))))))))))))))

No words, just hugs.

Oh Mily,

I am so very sorry to read your post.

Honey u have gone above & beyond the call of duty w/ XH. U can't do it alone & u certainly can't do it w/ 3 of u in your relationship. I too heard that " are you telling me I can't see my daughter' BS, more times than I care to remember. The priorites are all screwed up. I pray for your strength, u know I know it isn't easy but when u are continually backed into a corner, u have to come out swinging & u may have to come out w/o him.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mily}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}