Some years ago, on our 25th anniv, I caught my wife in an affair that had been going on for over a year. We worked through things, reconciled, and have moved on. But one aspect of her revelations continues to haunt me. During our conversations my wife admitted to having done certain sexual acts for, or with, him that she had steadfastly refused previously to even try with me. She has never been able to explain why? Says she doesn't know why. She says she just got caught up in the moment, she guesses. I have since found out from other persons that this is not all that uncommon when it comes to affairs. And, get this! She still refuses to try them with me. Says she's sorry she did them with him. Didn't enjoy them. Can anyone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> shed some light on this phenomenon?

Alan.
It is darn nauseous that they would give BJ'S to the OM and not to us.

I guess it is the same reason that men give OS to their lovers and not to their wives.

It must be the THRILL of an affair that brings out the passion in them. Your guess is as good as mine.

Maybe some FWW will fill us in.

"She has never been able to explain why? Says she doesn't know why."

Got the same thing for months. Eventually got..."I didn't want you to think less of me" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Yea, whatever...


This is probably one of "those threads" that I should avoid. Can you say TRIGGER!

I'll gamble with an answer...because she wasn't having sex with a person, but a fantasy.

Not real. She has shame and guilt for what she did because she knows she doesn't like or enjoy it...didn't at the time...but was willing to do it to be the image to keep her fantasy.

I figured out that OS was my lure...both to my H and OM...what I was willing to do to get admiration and appreciation, my bottom last of it. If this is what you're referring to, and your wife hates it, then I think it means you're meeting some ENs, which is great. Congratulate yourself. She's not desperate and self-defiling.

However...working through the whys is essential. She has to come within herself to know the whys. And now, the why nots. Reconciled or recovered? Is your marriage thriving or the same or a little better than pre-A? How much O&H is present, intimacy and closeness? Did she get back or get to where SF is mutually safe, fulfilling, her pleasure being yours and vice versa?

This isn't how WS get to great SF...they take the shortcut from desperation, which is pure fantasy...but this is how marriage partners get there.

It's worth it.

LA

Hi. I'm a recovering WW.

My personal reason for being "bolder" or "more exploratory" in sex w/ OM was he just poured out admiration for me. I felt so secure that I would have done many things I "just couldn't" do w/ my H. He liked everthing about me. (OK, barf-fest, I know, BS's!)

My H and I were bolder our first year of M (it's been nearly 12 years now), but I was younger, more timid, less experienced, and those things were uncomfortable. Then we got into a rut, I suppose.

With the OP, it's a chance to be a new person while you're together. Similar to the feeling I had when I went to college: "I am no longer constrained by the HS cliques, people's old perceptions. I can be whomever I want to be." It was freeing.

I genuinely believe that whenever two people come together (be it friendship, parent/child, romantic) they create a living thing: their relationship. It is unique only unto themselves, but has the potential to get "stuck." They must nurture it, or it dies. Marriage is the same way: you and your spouse relate in a unique manner. There is always room for improvement and change, but it takes lots of effort by both parties. We can get into "relational ruts."

During the A, there were no "ruts." It was all new, because the relationship was new.

Sexually and relationally, we must strive to break out of those ruts in ways that both are "enthusiastically in agreement" about.

Oh, and don't blame boring sex on the kids! They aren't hindering you, your relationship is! During my A, my 3 kids were always around...we somehow always found time to be affectionate, look into each other's eyes, touch hands, or make out in the laundry room. All this while cooking meals, feeding kids, changing diapers, washing dishes, playing games with them, and answering 1,001 questions.

We were each other's primary object of interest, not the kiddos. I think any married couple can have that same spark! Keep each other #1 (you've found out the results of NOT doing this: wandering spouses) and the kids will be ok. In fact, better, since you'll have a strong marriage.