I have a question about using plan B. I have been using plan A with my husband for 18 months, and it is not working. I have decided to use plan B, but I am worried about how to go about it. I love this man, and my ultimate goal is to save the marriage, not divorce. I have finally realized that the only way my H would take me seriously about this matter was to ask him to leave. Please read my other posts for the details on the situation.

I finally sat down and calmly discussed what I was feeling, and I told him that I was sorry that I could not support him in regards to the business. I told him that it was very hard to stand by and watch us lose all our savings, but I was able to do it because the marriage was more important to me than any amount of money. I then explained that now that we are having to go into debt to keep the business running, I just cannot bring myself to support that. I am a very budget minded person, and this whole experience ahs gone against my grain so to speak, but the debt was over my “line.”

He still stood firm with his stand that he would not go back to work. He said, “I will have this business with you or without you.” I asked him then if he could tell me how far in debt we would have to go before he decided to go back to work. (Knowing there was a limit to how far the hole would go might help me to deal with it.) He refused to even answer me. He said he did not know. I explained how scary that was for me. He blamed my fear as lack of faith in him. He even attacked my faith in God. I told him my faith in God is stronger than ever. I know God will take care of me, even if this never ends, you know.

After this conversation, I told him that I just could not do this anymore, and I asked him to leave. He got really angry, but I stayed calm, told him I loved him, and that I hoped he would come around, but I just could not continue on like this.

Anyway, my real question to everyone is, how tough do I get? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He agreed to leave, when he had a chance to move his stuff. It has been 3 days, and nothing. He has been REALLY nice to me, and I have been nice to him. We have even been sleeping in the same bed. I am afraid to refuse to sleep with him, because I want so badly for things to end on a good note, like I said, my goal here is to save the marriage, not get divorced. I am to a point now that I feel I need to put my foot down. He has been making a point to call his customers right in front of me, calling to schedule future jobs when I am in the room. I feel as though he’s rubbing my face in it. It hurts me so bad to see him going on with his business as if nothing has happened. I don’t think he has given it a second thought.

Should I push the issue of him moving out, or will I alienate him by doing that. Should I continue to be nice and loving to him throughout this process, or will I be sending mixed messages. Or should I leave until he gets his things moved out. Remember in your answers, My whole intention is to make him want to be with me bad enough to change his behavior, so I do not want to be mean and cold, but I do want to be firm. I want him to leave with the feeling that I love him, and I want him to be with him should be decide to change his current behavior. Thanks for reading all this, I am sorry it was so long!

May God bless you for taking the time to respond.

I'd suggest posting on the EN Forum, and doing a search on posts covering Plan B.

On another note, if you trust God to provide, then allow your husband to dig his own hole and you continue to trust God to work in his heart. I know it's hard, I really do, but you can pray God will work in his heart and show him his error, or God will work to show you He is behind this and give you a peace in your heart.

does he write the checks out for the bills or do you?

If you are the one who does this, then maybe let him handle that for awhile, better yet, ask him to sit down with you and go over a budget together, so that YOU can be more confident in his decision.

Does He have a business plan? A finacial plan for his business? If so, ask him to show you those, ask him if he would be willing to sit down with a business or financial counselor and work with them.

Ask him to pray with you about it, asking God to bring peace to your heart. Has he asked other men to pray for him about this? Has he discussed it at all with trusted counselors? The Proverbs are filled with verses about seeking wise counsel, has he done this? If not, encourage him to do this, so that you can feel more comfortable supporting him.

Trusting God is not about trusting or even being behind every decision your spouse makes, it's about trusting that God is in control even to the point of watching your spouse hit bottom, if that is what it takes. It's not an easy road to take, I know.

Just tell God, I don't understand what your doing, but I trust you are working in this.

Thank you TR. I Have actually been doing almost everything you suggested about trusting God- and I was confused becauseI felt like God was leading me to leave H. I could not understand why the God that I know and understand would be leadingme to leave my H. I finally held my breath, closed my eyes, and trusted God. I was scared- but I felt a strange peace as I left the house to go to my mom's. Please read my EN post to see the miraculous results of trusting God. I feel a miracle has occured. God Blessed me because I BELIEVED HIM! I will continue to believe him and his promises. H is doing a bible study w/me. He always said he would never do a bible study- just go to church on sundays. He finally agreed to go out of the blue and GUESS what the study ended up being?? It's called the best question ever by ANDY STANLEY and the entire series is about ways to avoid making bad decisions, and how to make WISE decisions. It is as if Andy is speaking to my husband, knowing our situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I have been praying for God to speak to H heart, and he has been SOOOO visible and obvious in doing so. God is awesome, and I am so humbled by his obvious presence in my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

im afraid i cant answer your question because i have the same one. my wife of 3 years left me 1-1/2 years ago. i love her also and up until 2 months ago we were dating and i was doing anything she asked. i began doing the things she claimed she wanted all along in the first year & a half. her treatment of me doing this time just gradually got worse until i finally had my self defense mechanism kick in. at this time i also read a book by dr. james dobson that described and was named "love must be tough". everything in that book described what my wife was doing and the way i shouldve responded....which brings me to the same place you are. how tough should i be??? and how long do i wait on this woman to come home or should i just give up??? ive talked to every good christian i know including the pastors of our church. they said i shouldve done this long ago. unfortunately, my wife isnt responding as i had hoped or as the book describes most do. i.......like yourself am lost without her and dont believe in divorce. she has no biblical basis for divorce and she knows it.
if anyone has any good answer for yours & my woes ....please respond.

cam. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I also read that book, and it woke me up in a major way. I have always been the one to cry,beg,etc to try and get my H to do what I wanted, or to stay. WHAT A MISTAKE!!Please read my post in emotional needs. It has the same title, that is the one everyone responded to. Pray with faith for God to speak to your W heart-he answered my prayers for the same. Read my post- and keep the faith! With God, all things are possible

Rwlora and cam2,

I am a VERY big proponent of Dr Dobson's position and I think that his recomendations dovetail very nicely with MB's Plan B. I think that it is outlined in detail in his book.

Dr Dobson's plan does NOT work when performed on a hit or miss basis. Consistency is the key and every relapse makes it's success more unlikely.

It is a very easy plan to implement( Usually gives the BS a GREAT feeling of taking over control of their lives again)and a VERY tough one to maintain. The key is the consistent, never wavering, self respectful manner in which you carry yourself.

Good luck to both of you.

thanks to both of you who responded...in addition, i shouldve read "love must be tough" before i read dr. harleys books. looking back ..i needed to gain her respect before i initiated the concept of filling the "love bank". as it was or is.....i started instantly trying to do what she claimed i didnt. the truth is i wasnt affectionate enough but if she'd have told me ...not hinted or think she told me (men dont get hints very well)i wouldve possibly caught our marriage in time. i didnt fill her emotional needs nor , as i think about it, did she fill mine. i was doing the things for her that i wouldve like done for me. those things , i found out, didnt mean anything to her. sounds familiar doesnt it???
now it doesnt seem to matter what i do...the nicer i am the madder it makes her.
like i said.....i quit communicating with her 2 months ago and it hasnt netted the results i hoped for......does it take longer???
another distressing thing is ...the church we belong to has enlisted her onto some leadership committees. while not a bible scholar .....im pretty sure that "people who dont have their own house in order" arent supposed to be in leadership positions in the church. we are both christians abeit im relatively new ......only accepting the lord as my savior in 1995. she was raised in the church and knows the bible very well but somehow seems to dismiss the chapters on marriage and relationships. i guess we all pick and chose the parts we either adhere to or not even though we know better.
im still hurting severely even after over 1-1/2 years of seperation and 2 months of non-communication. i thought it would get better........it hasnt. we are both older and were older when we got married ......youd think we'd know how to treat each other after many life experiences.
thanks to you for your prayers , i know He'll answer in his time. i just hope the answer is ....she falls back in love with me.

[color:"red"] RWLora [/color] - TR gave great advice - do a search for Plan B, and also read the posts on that part of the forum.

Sorry to threadjack!

[color:"red"] Cam2 [/color] said:

[color:"blue"] So you're still in the same church? Do you see each other there? I wonder how that goes...What does your pastor say about your situation? I assume one or both of you have spoken to someone in church leadership about your marriage. What was their counsel? Or is it possible they don't know about your situation, hence your wife's visible role in the church? Are they standing with you at all throughout this?

"Love Must be Tough" is a great book, and I agree that it does go well with Harley's Plan B. [/color]

b.
yes ..the pastors (all 5)know our situation since i sought biblical counsel & advice from 4 of them and yes ...still going to the same church is tough. i try to avoid seeing her, not because im intimidated but because its , at this point, very painful.
all the pastors show concern while were talking and know her position. they didnt know mine until then. they concede she has no biblical grounds for divorce and really very little reason , other than hurt feelings , to be doing what shes doing. her biggest citation now is "she cant trust me with her feelings". we've also been to church affiliated counseling with a lady who heard our story and basically told us she couldnt see much holding us apart and that we both seem to be wanting the same things....and that my wifes feelings are very hurt but in order for us to get back together ....she needed to "take a leap of faith". well.....obviously, she hasnt or cant.
understand, i know i didnt show the proper affection early in our marriage...we'd been dating for 4 years and thought she was ok with me. at least she didnt complain before. i needed to change........which with the help of God, i have. ive apologized in front of pastors ,friends and counselors. at this point, im not so sure she shouldnt apologize to me for the mis-treatment for the last year & a half she inflicted on me.....that is if she really was concerned about our marriage re-establishing. clearly, she doesnt care ...which i would think the church would have input about. the head pastor was going to talk to her at some point but i dont know when that would be. im sure she'll blame me for his input.
church discipline , as biblical as it is, isnt meant to destroy fellowship , its meant to get the person to realize as christians , we are accountable to each other and that the fellowship is concerned about unbiblical actions. ive seen church discipline ..and it didnt matter to the person because when the church broke "fellowship" with the person ....he didnt care because he wasnt coming back anyway.
to answer your last question..."is the church standing with you on this?" i really dont know...they dont condone divorce but appear to be more interested in helping me through this tough time than confronting her and asking what her plans are.
again i say.....the bible and all the books ive read tell me , as a christian, not to actively seek divorce. i still love my wife and want it to work, but shes gotta want it as badly as i or its useless for me to try.
i will not file divorce paperwork. every pastor ive talked to advises me to "make her do it" shes the one whos seeking it.
i would ask not to think im blameless in this ,certainly, ive done what she claimed but isnt that kind of thing "workable"???
another example of people who know..is her own brother & sister-in-law. both are heavily involved in our old church as a deacon & sunday school teacher. their stand is ....theyve limited their connection with her as long as she is out of Gods will. thats a pretty bold statement from her brother and i commend his trust & faith in the Lord for taking this stand.
hopefully, after this long thread...ive not lost your interest. trust me.......we've all been here...and the thoughts of losing our spouses is on our minds virtually every other thought.
do you think , based on my wifes religious backgound, she'll be swayed by our church leadership to change?? everytime someone has told her shes wrong......she leaves the church or doesnt have anything more to do with that person. her church ,before we got married that she grew up in, pastor & his wife counseled us and came to the conclusion that as a christian she should accept my apology and forgive me ..........basically said she played as serious part in this as i ...but when they said that....we never went back to that church.
ill be waiting for your responses.
thanks