As you may recall, my WW is having an EA with my cousin 3600 miles away in Europe. I have exposed to his parents, his now XGF and her parents. I have been in plan A and my WW asked me the other day "we've been getting along a lot better recently, I wonder why?". So I guess it's working somewhat. We have started counseling, but she still refuses to end the A. I have drafted a letter I'd like to email to them both with copies to their parents. Please give me some feedback about what I have written:
You stated in your last email to me that you felt it was important for [Our son]’s sake that [WW] and I work on our relationship. I clearly stated in my response to you that this is not possible unless you and [WW] end your relationship. A marriage is a relationship between two people. When there is a third person involved, beneficial change and progress is not possible except at a very superficial level – which [WW] is happy to maintain because it enables this unacceptable situation. There can be no honesty delving into our relationship while this affair is clouding her perspective. The commitment and responsibility involved in our marriage is greater than that in other kinds of relationships, especially because there is a child involved.
I address most of these questions to you, [OM], but [WW] I would like you to respond to them as well, with a CC to everyone on this email, so that everyone involved knows where you both stand.
[OM], [WW] is spending an hour a day or so talking to you? I have no doubt she spends far more time debating in her mind whether she should end our marriage, because of you. Your relationship is the only reason for this debate, at this point everything else is justification built up around this reason. Do you accept responsibility for this? Do you accept responsibility for the destructive impact you have on our marriage? Do you want to be the reason for our marriage ending?
The fact is that there is a great deal of life left in our marriage, as we are still each other’s best friends, and it would be gravely irresponsible to end it now, for our sake and [Our son]’s, but you are putting yourself in a position that negatively impacts this. This relationship you both are maintaining is taking its toll on my desire to make things work, because my respect for [WW] is declining and I certainly don’t want to be married to someone I don’t respect. Do you accept responsibility for this?
Do you think that [Our son] should have a major upheaval in his life and the destruction of his family based on this relationship that you want to possibly have the chance to explore and see if you might have something worth pursuing in it? Do you want to explain to him that you caused the break-up of his parent’s marriage over something so vague and unsure? Let me assure you that the statistics on relationships produced by affairs are not so vague and unsure – 3% make it to marriage, and of that 3%, more than 90% fail before the 5 year mark – and there are far more logistical obstacles to consider in your situation than in most others. Do you honestly expect to even be around when [Our son] comes to an age when he can understand this?
If so, then what is your commitment to each other? How are you going to provide [WW] with the security she needs, both emotional and financial? What about [Our son]? Where are you going to live, what country will you live in? Will your relationship require [WW] to abandon [Our son]? Because if she leaves America, this is abandonment. Or is none of this even a consideration at this point because you’re just taking it one destructive day at a time?
This time [WW] is spending thinking about this whole mess, created by the two of you, and talking to you is time she should be spending nurturing [Our son]. This is not happening. Do you accept responsibility for this? This is hurting [WW] as well as [Our son], because [WW] can never feel that she has done her best for him. Do you accept responsibility for this? Is this an act of love? [WW], do you think that [Our son] deserves better care then what is he getting from you now? I do. I also know that there is no better care that he could get then from you at your best, but you have different priorities at the moment.
It is very clear to me that you are using each other to escape pain and responsibility. You are so consumed by your feelings that you fail to notice the great pain that you are causing, and the potential for far more pain and destruction in the near future. There is no LOVE in this relationship, because if you truly loved each other, you would not ask or allow the other person to compromise themselves for you, nor would you compromise the possibility of a future relationship with each other – which you have done by beginning it the way you have. If you truly loved each other, the kind of love where respect exists above your personal desire, you would have stated your feelings to each other, and then agreed that you each had your own commitments to address, but you would have left the door open in case things didn’t work out. Now you have begun a relationship that is truly a dead end. There is no way for you to look at yourselves and see integrity and honor (especially while you both still sneak around). At the moment, these things must not mean much, because you are immersed in the feelings of the moment, but feelings don’t pay the bills.
[OM], you are implicitly requiring that [WW] ignore and go against the best interests of her son, and herself, for you. Do you accept responsibility for this?
[WW], you are preventing [OM] from achieving the self growth that comes out of finding one’s self after coming out of a long term relationship by perpetuating this mutual fantasy. He has hidden from the pain of the upheaval, and in so doing, is missing the life lessons that come out of this – and he will not have the opportunity to learn this particular lesson again. He’s dooming himself to repeat his mistakes. Do you accept responsibility for this?
The fact is that the longer you continue this, the more pain there will be, for everyone involved. Please stop destroying our family.
