So depressed. H is officially leaving next week to new apt. Still in denial over EA. Says just good friends. I don't want him to go, but apt. is leased. Says it's over. I feel like my life is over. On AD's, but still so sad. People say can't make him stay if he doesn't want to. I know, but I don't think I can go on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PLK, we know how this feels, but I want to tell you something and I want you to believe me. THIS IS NOT OVER. Just because he says this does not mean its true. I am not saying this to give you some false hope. I do not DO false hope.

I am simply telling you what we have seen happen many, many times on this forum simply by using MB principles.

Your greatest enemy right now is your emotions. If you can take day to try to and calm yourself down, we can help you develop a strategy to save your marriage.

But, there is no reason to give up hope. You may be able to save this.

((PLK))

Like Melody said, this is far from over.

So what do I do? I've read articles on this site. He said he doesn't want me anymore, he's moving on. No question. I'm scared when he's in apt. he and EA woman, will get closer, even though she is M, her M is in trouble too. Refuses any type of counseling now. Said mind is 100% made up.

It doesn't matter what he says, he is a fogged out addict in the throes of an affair. The fog will wear off. Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, get that ASAP so you know what is going on here.

In the meantime, go inoto Plan A and start exposing this affair.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

How can I do the carrot if he is not going to be here anymore?
I think me telling him what I found...communication between them, put the nail in the coffin for me.

He denies it is an EA, says just friends. Won't stop talking to her as they are just friends. Says she is not cause of our M breakup. He's probably right. we've had trouble for awhile, but him communicating with her more than me is not helping.

He thinks I'm a nut for thinking it's an EA and I guess my suspicions and insecurity drove him away farther.

Didn't find an apt. until I confronted him.

Think I screwed myself.

PLK, expose the affair. Call up the OW's H, your H's parents, your parents and their employer, if a workplace affair and expose the affair.

He knows you are not a nut, he is saying that you will stop interfering in his affair. It is a RUSE.

You do all of those things listed above on the list to the best of your ability whether he lives there or not. When he calls, you are pleasant, but firm. You don't engage in any lovebusting and look for any opportunity to meet his needs.

But hte first thing you must is expose the affair. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because affairs can only survive under the veil of secrecy. If it doesn't kill it immediately, it will hasten its death and cause huge conflict in the affair.

Who is this OW? Is she married? What does she do for a living? Do you know her parents?

((((PLK))))

Listen to Melodylane she absolutely knows what she is talking about.



He values his "friendship" more than his marriage...he is having an affair. My WH said the same thing to me....EXACTLY the same words. You just had d-day, this is just the beginning....no where near the end of your marriage.

Do as Melodylane suggests the first step is exposure...it is scary but very effective. Talk to OWH he probably has a bad feelings about their "friendship" too.

OW is a co worker he sees a few times a week. Much younger than my H. She is M. Her M is trouble too. Don't know her parents.

He felt betrayed I snooped and found they were "communicating". Found I posted here and said that did it. Says lost all respect for me. No chance now to recover.

Told me her H knows they communicate.I told H's father. Of course he believes him, that they are just friends. Told H's friend. He said it sounded "fishy".

I just don't see him ending it. He left here for a bit recently to think stuff through. Came back. While gone still communicated with her. He's stubborn. When he says it's over, I believe him.

Told me I should do what I want and see who I want as he plans to. Asked if she was the one he planned to see, he said no, they are just friends, but if opportunity arises, he will take it with someone.

I guess that's why he wanted his own place. To "entertain" .

Are you listening to ANYTHING I say?

ok, PLK, let me tell you what is really happening here. Your H is having an affair with the OW and hopes that she will leave her H for him if he gets an apartment. It is very likely that she told him she wouldn't let the affair go any farther as long as he is still with his W. She might have loosely implied that she may even leave her H.

But, she won't.

Now, why is your H telling you a different story? Because if he tells you the truth, you are likely to interfere with his plans. This may come as a shock - hold on tight! - but most WS' are LIARS when they are in the depths of an affair. So, just expect everything that comes out of his mouth to be a lie.

Now, the line about leaving you because you snooped on him. Please understand that unless he had something to hide, he would not be mad about that. Do you imagine that a NORMAL person would LEAVE THEIR SPOUSE for snooping? Of course not. You would want to REASSURE your spouse by doing things that demonstrated your trustworhiness.

BUT, your H is not trustworthy. He has something to hide and is angry that you may find out. So, to keep you off his path, he threatens you with divorce/seperation and makes wild claims about wanting to pursue other relationships.

Just know, that the WS will do EVERYTHING to keep his affair secret, they will lie, lie, lie. So just expect it.

MelodyLane,
Yes I am listening. Thank you. I think I am in denial some moments, the next moment I don't care, the next I want the marriage to work, then I don't. Then the next I want revenge. I'm so confused.

Don't know if it's gotten to a PA, no proof of that yet. Just wish he would stop the games and come out and admit it already. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting or insecure.

My self esteem is in the toilet.

Should I confront him more with the proof I have...cell phone records? I metioned to him I knew they were communicating, but never showed him. I'm sure he'll stick to the only friends bit, even if I do show him.


Everytime I talk about her he just gets more pissed, insists nothing's going on, just friends, and I feel we drift father apart as he gets so mad and disgusted with me and reconcilliation will never happen.

Darn! My post did not come through. No, there is no need to do anymore confronting.

1. what evidence do you have of the affair?

2. how did you find out?

3. how do they communicate?

4. What is your H's occupation? her occupation

5. how long married?

6. how many kids?

PLK,

""Don't know if it's gotten to a PA, no proof of that yet.""

I would assume that there is a PA going on. I doubt if he is getting the apartment so he could "speak" to the OW more freely!!

Plus how can he LOSE RESPECT for you because you snooped and came to the halls of MB!?!?

The guy is a liar, a manipulater, a coniver, and an infidel.
He is the first 3 because he is the 4th and in a heavy fog, under the influence of lustyphetemine.

Do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Re-read Melodylane's post many times so it sinks in. What she says is very true.

EXPOSE to OW's H (who says their M is in trouble? Your H? but he is a liar, remember?)

EXPOSE to HR at work, she is a co-worker, correct?

And again, this is not only an EA. A guy does not move out of his house for an EA.

Stay strong and be angry more of the time. Your H is acting the fool.

Are there children involved?

k

PLK,

I was in denial myself, please look at the following threads... Here and Here

Notice the first post how there was only a small mention of the EA. I was constantly told by W that our M sitch was my fault. Only the wise people here helped me look at things differently.

The only information I had of an EA was cell phone records, and I did not handle that correctly at all. I confronted her immediately after finding the cell records and not in a pleasant manner. I was told to back off that they were just friends. She was upset that I didn't trust her.

I haven't learned everything yet, but the one thing I know now is that you do not want to confront without knowing for sure. Cell records are enough to be concerned, but not enough to expose. That is just a newbies opinion, but I feel I have learned a lot in a short amount of time.

Exposure is the key, but knowledge/information is the most important weapon.

-BB

(((((((PLK))))))))

Hes making u feel guilty to cover the wrong he is doing. Please know that his behavior is not ur fault. I have been in a similar situation. If there really is no PA as yet then please take the good advice u r getting and maybe u can pre-empt that additional horror. At times i have felt that if id acted differently about the EA then maybe there would have been no PA. But in the end, our spouse is the one that makes the choice to do or not do. We are not responsible for that choice.

First take a deep breath...this is not your imagination...you are not making a big deal over nothing...you are not crazy...you are not paranoid. Listen to your gut instinct. Do not listen to WH or OW. They are trying to hide their dirty little secret.

Do not confront about the phone bill...you can't prove what they are talking about. You could get a digital voice activated recorder and put it in a place you know WH talks on the phone. I did...it was how I got the solid evidence OW was not just a "friend". It taped their conversation and kissing as they met in a parking lot. I needed to know for sure.

WS will deny, look you in the face, swear on children and continue to deny. This is the time for plan A...gathering information / evidence and exposure. Do not share details of information or evidence that you gather. When he starts telling the truth the evidence should back it up. Exposure brings their dirty secret to the light of day. It is the best way to stop A.

As far as OWH goes...he needs to know. The first thought most newly BS have is if OW marriage fails it automatically means WH be gone forever. They are living in fantasy world, its fun and exciting sneaking around. While BS is home holding down the fort...when reality sets in the fantasy is ruined. Let her wash his dirty underwear the romance will fade.

Don't be surprised if they say:
1)OWH doesn't have a problem w/ the friendship


2)If you tell OWH he will get angry and beat OW or WH. OWH is abusive

3) He doesn't care.

Again listen to Melody Lane...she will guide you in the right direction.

PLK...

a great big, fat, squishy kind of hug from me.

{{{{{{{{plk}}}}}}}}}

I'll read your story some other time, but needed to give you a hug first.