My husband often asks me to do things that I consider to be really gross. For example, pop a zit on his back. I will usually do this, even tho I don't like it. But I drew the line last night when he wanted me to pop a zit under his armpit.

My reason was two-fold. 1)Armpits are gross. I know not everybody feels this way, but I do. And 2) when I looked at it, I did not see an average, run-of-the-mill zit. I saw a knot of 1 1/2" to 2" diameter! To have touched it would have made me pass out! I told him that that was *not* an ordinary zit and that he needed to go to his doctor!

Well, he immediately got angry and warned me "not to make him mad." (We were already there, duh...) His attitude only made me dig in my heels more. In the end, I refused to touch it, and he ended up messing with it himself, and then he gave me the silent treatment for half an hour.

He doesn't seem to understand my aversion for this sort of thing. However, when one of the kids is throwing up, you can be sure that I'm the one there cleaning it up, because that only makes him sick. What's the difference? Was I being selfish for refusing to help him?

Welcome, VL...

Have you read the articles on this site? One of them is the Policy of Joint Agreement. Both partners only agree to do something when they're enthusiastic about it.

You weren't. For your reasons. Most likely, your H had a boil...really good reason not to mess with it! You were right on, I think.

A bigger issue is that you both buy into the belief that you can make each other feel stuff. You can make him mad, he can make you resent...all untrue. We're all humans given limits by God...we can only control ourselves...we have our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. They are ours. Nobody can make anybody do anything...we have influence, but only as much as we allow from others and are allowed by others.

I'm delighted you found this place. What a boon for your marriage!

Read up on Love Busters (LBs) because you have one in your post...your control, not his. Find out about Emotional Needs (ENs) and how your popping zits may represent you tending to his fear, just as you cleaning up vomit as an act of love for your kids. Read about the Love Bank because you have to be aware of your levels.

Happy you're here. You displayed courage and desire in your post. You're already helping others by being here!

LA

Thank you. It's possible that I have read this site thru & thru, so I'm familiar with LB's & EN's, etc. I don't think I agree with absolutely everything, but I do agree with most of it. I think there's a lot of valuable information here.

We've been married for 12.5 years, so we have a lot of history that's not been revealed here. But his warning me to not make him mad smacked so soundly of a "selfish demand", but then I wondered, am I being selfish for refusing? No, I most certainly was not enthusiastic!

I am curious how this act could be interpreted as "tending to his fear." I'm afraid I don't follow that logic. (And cleaning vomit, I suppose, could be interpreted as an act of love, though I think I have a more pragmatic approach -- somebody's gotta do it....)

Have a good day.

VL

Why not ask him why popping his zits matter to him? I was guessing...fear of image, of repulsing, fear of pain...who am I? Not your H!

I remarked that him believing you could make him mad is a big issue in your marriage.

Do you believe you make your H anger? Happy? Sad?

Give value to what you do...acts of service can be acts of love, if they are viewed as such. What value is in believing you're just someone that has to do it? Choice remains.

Would be interested in what you don't agree with...selfish demand hits it, I think. Those demand someone else (you) change.

LA