My wife and I have been together for 5 years and we have had a what I would call good marriage for not even 1 year now. The current issue that we have is she wants to begin trying to have children and I would like to wait a few more years for numerous reasons. We are in our first house which is small and also we can barely pay the bills. She is getting ready to start school to be a RN and she hasn't even begun that yet. I am 25 and she is 21. She is extremely insistent to try now and thinks I am being selfish to want to wait. I know for a fact that I want kids at some point so it's not like I am saying never I just don't feel that I am ready and she says thats not a good reason. Then here recently she has decided since her relationship with her family is going south that she wants to move out of state. I have lived here all my life and my entire family is here as well as friends. She says that if I cared about her feelings that she would mean more to me and I would move where ever so that she could be happy away from her family. She is very insistent upon both of these things. Am I in the wrong? Please help.

Hmmmmmmmm. U seem to be in quite a pickle. Its no use making such huge decisions without BOTH partners being in AGREEMENT. Somehow u have to get her to see that. If she is a reasonable person that shouldnt be too hard. Saying that if u cared about her feelings u would grant her wishes is being demanding and thats no good. I hope u all can communicate properly about this and arrive at some compromise. What about seeing a counsellor? That might help.

Hey, JSD...

If you care about her feelings...moving or having a baby isn't the only way to show you care about her feelings.

Exploring them...why now for the baby? Is it related to her relationship with her family going south?

Feelings are information for her. They tell her about the reality she sees. If she chooses to make decisions from her feelings, then life will take her on a rampage, won't it?

Spend some time talking and sharing your beliefs...not as a demand, but as intimacy. Ask her for hers...why do you feel this way? How did you feel when this was said or done? What does this conflict with your mom represent to you?

Time spent validating her feelings, acknowledging them, may guide you well on how to POJA issues in your marriage. POJA...Policy of Joint Agreement. Means no decision between two partners can be made without both enthusiastically agreeing on it. Read about it as well as other articles here on Emotional Needs (ENs), Love busters (LBs) and the Love bank.

Find out why she doesn't want to wait...if she's scared of RN school, feels like a failure, feels hurt all the time by something her family does or doesn't do. Listen and repeat. Don't judge. Then see what she wants and ask her how she chooses what she wants.

Be sure to share your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs...that you might feel scared, unprepared, have your own issues for the why not nows...only just share, not debate it. Find out what you make your decisions from and share that.

LA

Welcome to MB!

I think that if the two of two sit down to talk about it more often, maybe you'll have a better chance of understand each other's needs

You may also refine your goals. If one says "I want kids now" and the other says "I want kids later", perhaps you can agree on having kids at a certain time in the future. Such as in the fall of 2010. (Not "5 years from now" because it is not specific enough).

Well thank you for the helpful replys but she is absolutely not going to accept later for an answer. She is talking divorce due to "me never wanting what she wants". I am miserable. Now she's saying that I'm just afraid of what our families and friends will think when honestly thats not true at all. I'm JUST NOT READY. My heart tells me this. I'm not sure what to do she does not listen to reason. Compromise seems like the answer but she says "well I want one now and you and you want to wait so how can I compromise". We haven't even been married a year. I am desperate.

"Now she's saying that I'm just afraid of what our families and friends will think when honestly thats not true at all."

This is a DJ...have you read Love Busters? She is defining you and only you are allowed to do that. Human condition.

Try getting Love Busters and reading it. Say you are working on a solution, you care about the marriage, her and yourself. Get His Needs, Her Needs and ask her to read it also. Say you want to grow old with her, are afraid of her choice to divorce (emphasize her choice), but respect her choices as her own.

Tell us and tell her why you're not ready...type it out, find your truth...it is yours, so know it well. Not evidence for persuasion...your real whys and beliefs.

You are not desperate...your new wife is used to seeing relationships as something to be manipulated. How about you? Do you believe you can make her happy? Sad? Angry? Can she you? Learn about your human design...then you won't feel desperate.

Read all you can on this website...it would be valid to say, "Honey, I don't believe moving away from relationships solves anything. Our families are ours for our whole life. I am here for you in the same way. I know you are capable and strong enough to face anything."

Better demonstrate the will to work on issues and not run from them. This isn't about you loving her enough, but about loving her well.

Learn the difference.

LA