I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 13. I just found out he has been cheating and I am heart broken. He says there is nothing wrong with me and that he has a problem. I have poored my heart into this marriage and I don't know what to do. Now that he has been caught, he says it was a mistake and that he wants to try. He was with her for seven months. I am devistated and don't know what to do, I still tell him how much I love him and wish I could belive what he is saying. My life has been a lie, I thought everything was fine. This is just the begining of it. I am looking for someone to talk to and hopefully get through this.. HELP>>>>>

I'm so sorry. Read through the basic concepts, articles, and questionaires on this site. There is a lot of good information there. This board gets a lot more activity on the weekdays than weekends. Marriage counseling is good, but be sure you get a counselor that is pro-marriage. It will take time and there will be a lot of ups and downs but recovery is possible if both spouses are willing to work on the marriage.

Read up on Plan A and Emotional Needs, too. Fbwidow is right on in all her advice. Take advantage of it.

I believe one spouse can save the marriage, and it only takes both when there is no A, which means no contact, and when both partners are willing to own their parts.

We're here for you. Feel free to share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I did and we recovered.

You're not alone.

LA

I know how you feel. I found out right before Christmas about my H affair that lasted for 9 months. He also told me it was a mistake, but like I told him, a mistake is only one time, not 9 months. I feel as though our life is a lie also,but we are trying to make things work. This is my second husand, my first passed away in 99. My Husband now promised he would never hurt me in any way from what all I have gone through in life. I'm keeping my chin up and going on with life. I have my good days and really bad ones. If you love someone, and you want it to work, it will, only if there is communication and the WS means what they say. They are the only ones that can change, we can't change them. I will keep you in my prayers.

Lovelies-

I know how you are feeling. You are not alone. My WH has a 1-1/2 yr A. D-day 2/1/06. Kicked him out that night but not before I called his married buddy to expose him and force WH to spend the night with them. WH been with them since. Also found WH email password and copied OW emails to my H and her contacts.

Spouses cheat because they don't know how to love themselves and suffer from low self image. If they knew how to love themselves, they would know how to show love to those they claim to love. Because they suffer from low self image, they are unhappy and miserable. They have difficulty defining what makes the happy. So they take the easy way out - the Affair drug The OPs who get involve with WS also suffer with the same problems which makes it a fertile ground for A.

The betrayal, hurt, pain is so immense that makes you just want to crawl in a deep hole. Couldn't sleep, eat, function. When I did sleep, I'd wake up shaking and crying thinking it's all a nightmare. I begged my doc to give me anti-depressants. Thankfully, he talked me out of it by telling me to tough it out because it was temporary. It was.

When Plan A didn't work, I kicked in plan B on 3/19. Coincidentally WH had to leave for a 2 wk business trip out of state and used that time to take his IC advise to cut off contacts with everyone and do soul searching.

Meanwhile, I re-exposed the A to his family and friends and attaching copies of OW's email to H making her sound like a desperate emotional basket case with threats to carry against me. Then I did the same to the OW's email contacts.

WH called yesterday for the first time since returning on 3/30. I let it kick in to VM. He left a message saying he wanted to talk about the phone situation and "catch up". I changed the home phone# to unlisted. I was expecting he'd pissed with the exposure. But his voice sounded depressed.

If you haven't implemented plan A. Do it. If that doesn't work, go straight to plan B and stick to it.

Good luck. Hang in there. As many BS will tell you, it will get easier.

This is how I interpret plan A and B.

Plan A = WS are in the driver seat and it builds their ego by having two women cater to his emotional needs.

Plan B = BS takes back control and are now in the driver seat.

How do you know what the right plan is? How do I know staying is the right thing? How do I know a truth from a lie? Is my fear of being along stronger than my desire to reconstruct my marriage? He is all I have ever knows, I am 33 and we have been together for 17 years. The kids are older now but that doesn't faise me because they still need him. I don't know it hurts so bad. I want to hate him but I don't.

The other problem I have is the woman that he had an affair with now text messages me every day wanting to be my friend. You see he lied to her to, saying he was separated and now she feels bad for me and herself. I am going crazy with the constant reminder.

Is it love now or love of what it used to be. My life has been a lie for what seems to be two years. Even though the affair only lasted 7 months, due to this affair I found out he had a vasectomy behind my back two years ago. I feel as if I don't know him. What do I do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Lovelies-

I suggest posting your thread on the General Questions. You'll get more replies and support.

What you are going through is normal. Plan A is to have WS cut off contacts with OP. Period! While I agree to MB's to make your home a warm and fuzzy place for your H to want to come home to (which is difficult) you have to ultimately decide for how long?

If he continues to have contacts with OP, kick in plan B. This is where you regain control over the outcome of your marriage. MB proposes that you remove yourself from all contacts with your WS with a letter and a copy sent to his family. If you have not exposed the A, this is the time to do it.

Why is the OW text messaging you? My guess is she hasn't given up on him. Remember, women can be very calculating. I suggest you change your phone number! As a BS, you have to learn how to outsmart the OW.

I know you're hurting. I know the feelings of hatred towards your H. I felt it too. I know the doubts and mistrust. I know the fear and feelings of abandonement and rejection. Affair does that to the BS. What you are going through is an anger phase. Don't try to make sense of what happened. There is not one good reason why they cheat! It was not your fault.

Rise above it. That is your only option for yourself. You cannot control your H behavior or decisions. Only YOU have the power to control yourself. You'll become a stronger person each day. You might even surprise yourself.

Keep venting out in this forum.
Star