It's a Friday evening, and I don't know what to do.

I know my wife still reads my posts here, though she doesn't post anymore. I guess it doesn't matter.

She says she's moved on. I guess right now, as far as she is concerned, she has. She does seem very happy with herself, though. I am still shocked by it all. Not long ago, she was a woman who understood our marriage vows like I do. But now, her vows mean nothing to her. Well, her vows TO ME mean nothing to her. I guess it goes to show that a vow can only mean as much to the person making it as the person to whom it's made means to the maker.

So I'm dealing with a little resentment. Maybe a lot. I feel so alone. She keeps talking about being "co-parents" but from what I'm seeing, I'm the only one left trying to show our girls how to lead an adult life. Maybe that was a DJ, but I have a hard time mustering respect for the choices and life that my wife has chosen.

From all indications, she's even more "in love" with her new OM than ever. I guess her promise to never see him ever again meant about as much as her promise to love ME till death do us part. I wonder if she would call me a liar if I had not kept my word to drop the protective order against her? Surely she wouldn't take well to me calling her a liar for breaking her vows and promises to me.

Tonight, I feel like there's nobody in the world to talk to. I don't know that my wife is or isn't going out, but I'm certain she'll spend a great deal of time talking to her new soul-mate. My mother, who has become a really great friend to me through all of this, because of all that she went through to keep her marriage to my dad together - they still are, was here this week until yesterday, but now she's not. Most of my friends are either single (they don't understand), or non-christian (again, they don't understand), or married and too busy to listen to me rant and cry. Normally, I didn't care that I didn't have much socialization time with my friends, because I was married to my best friend, and so I always had the person I enjoyed talking to the most, and who's opinion mattered the most to me, right there. But, that's all changed now.

Of course, I *know* that relationships like hers that start up so fast almost always fall apart after a few months as reality sets in. But those are months I don't want to fight through alone. My best friend is gone. She's betrayed and abandoned me more profoundly than I could have imagined would be possible.

How is she going to pretend to help "raise" our girls with the morality and faith that we BOTH decided was to be central to our family? And the sad thing is that this is ALL a result of unforgiveness. Even my kids have been asking about why mommy can't forgive daddy. Crystal sees that her mother is incapable of forgiving, and sees the devastation that has brought to her family, and she knows she has issues with forgiveness, but she won't consider addressing them before deciding whether she needs to move on and tear up the family so that she can feel happier.

If God never lets His children have more than they can bear, He must have a far greater assessment of my reserves than I do.

When one spouse walks away, why doesn't the other feel relieved of his/her obligation to the marriage at that moment?

Sorry for the pitty-party. I didn't know where else to go tonight.

Big hugs to you {{{{TD}}}

TD,

I was so proud of you for calling the police and pressing charges. I thought you were such an example to the BH here, the abuse they take and stay quiet about.

"I wonder if she would call me a liar if I had not kept my word to drop the protective order against her?"

You did what? Why? Does the history of abuse in your marriage mean nothing? Protective order removed? Like saying you and the girls are safe when you're not?

Isn't that like saying you aren't married and can date when you are?

LA

hey..i just posted this on "recovery" about lies..

not sure if this will help....bUT I HAVE WALKED IN YOUR SHOES my friend...it took me about 8 months to a year to get my wits back...i can give you advice that worked for me if you want later...my biggest struggle was the fact i got alittle envious and jealous at "how great her life is"...im here to tell ya...its not in the long run...

hang in there!!!

""wow...this is kinda "downer" reading the posts here...i went through the same thing with the lies and less than 100% buy in by WW to return to marriage and family...i finally hardened my self and when she finally was "ready"...i was half @ss...i told her "thanks but no thanks"....now...the road to recovery that im on has been H*ll...alot of stress and transition from married man to single man/parent...its been a battle of trial and error...

however.....2 1/2 yrs later....i wouldnt have changed a thing...i just got back from lunch with my "lady" and looking back i truely believe that God "takes care of idiots"...cuz im well taken care of, although the wreckage of a marriage caused by an affair was the price i paid...

i believe in God, and have a relationship with him that i never had before the affair...but in studying the bible (im gonna piss off some people here) i find not one scripture or teaching that says i need to fight for my marriage in the wake of adultery or i am compelled to go through reconciliation...quite the contrary to be specific...old and new testement....

as humans...we cling to what is known and comfortable and very much afraid of the unknown...

i DO admire all the people here who pour their hearts and souls into saving a marriage wrecked by an affair...i too tried but was not willing to pay the price physically, emotionally, spiritually and damage caused to my kids...

the road to recovery is LONG and HARD and still not guarenteed in the long run....sometimes the pain and hurt are just too much...in seems that the "victim" has to pay the price and be victimized again and again, like walking on egg shells while the "cheater" gets their head on striaght....

i read alot of books and all the stats and such and i was SCARED to death about recovery...i gave my X a year to get her life together...then i finally left emotionally...

now i struggel with honest forgiveness....although my life is better in so many ways...i still ahrbor alot of hatred and animosity towards her...this is my cross to bear...but in time and being able to vent and post on sites like this...i am learning to stop feeling some deep anger towards her....IT SUCKS BEING VICTIMIZED and blindsided...

in life i have learned you cant stop someone from cheating or victimizing you, but you can control how you react as a victim....

i didnt beg or cling....i took to heart some ofthe things my X complained about and took necessary steps to correct certain behavior...i look at as HER LOSS...now i have someone in my life that "compliments me, not complicates me"

like pancho villa said "its better to die standing than live a lifetime on your knees"

hope this helps...either way DIVORCE is hard no matter where you stand.... ""

LA,
The reason I dropped the order, and maybe it was a mistake, was that I knew that she saw the fact that I got the order as me attempting to manipulate and control her (I wasn't). I also knew that if I just dropped it without *something* from her, she would think that I thought it was baseless and that she can always get away with her behavior, and/or that I'm a wimp. I decided that I needed to extract a specific promise that was not about forcing her to choose me over her happiness (i.e. I wasn't trying to manipulate her and bully her back into the relationship). She promised never again to strike me and never again to try to pick a fight with me. In exchange for that I dropped the order. However, she had declared on her own that she would never see her new OM again. I wished at the time I could have believed it, and I even thought she might have meant it at the time, but I did think it would be more than a day till she was back in contact with him. Thbough I would wager that she was probably on the phone with him as soon as she drove away from the courthouse where she was begging me not got get the order.

Also, from a pragmatic stand-point, my wife had run the household finances for our entire marriage, and I had just barely begun, so I couldn't be in a place where we were totally estranged. This became even more clear to me this week. I realized that if she and I continued to fight, the fact that she's the one who walked out would be moot, because we didn't have enough money to make it through next month. We were going to be forced out of the home because everything had gotten out of hand, and the lawyers were wanting cash up-front. To save the house, I needed to be able to buy my wife out of the equity in the home - and that meant coming to an agreement with respect to all of our property, in effect - right away so I could re-finance the place (and all our other debt) under my name alone.

She's getting less than she thought, and I am too, but we would be without a home inside of 2 months without some drastic measures. Now, the kids will stay in the house, and in their school.

Crystal did attempt to blackmail me, though. She knew I was fighting to keep a roof over our heads, and she said that she wasn't going to agree to anything if I didn't agree to call the separation "voluntary" so she could divorce me in a year. I showed her the numbers that even if she held out and fought me tooth and nail, and the judge thinks that the offense of me having had undiagnosed depression for most of our marriage is equally as bad as her adultery, that she would still walk away with less, and only the attorneys would be better off. I also conceeded that I will divorce her on grounds of desertion after a year if she is still in the relationship with her guy (i.e. hasn't at least started the process of trying to return).

Anyway, I guess that was sufficient. She get's a 2005 Toyota paid-off, about a year's worth of her take-home pay of my 401K, no need to pay anything for the kids' tuition the rest of this year or next, and a decent chunk of cash. All for the sacrifice of letting me keep a roof over our kids' heads. But the kids don't have to lose their home, and they will primarily reside with me, and, to be honest, it really is an exchange I am happy to make.

Sturgis,
You know, you're right. I know it's permissible to divorce an unfaithful spouse. I know it's permissible, but when I read the OT, especially Hosea, it seemed like God was showing that if a H's love for his W is like His love for His people, then the H will not bow out even when it's permissible.

I wanted to show my kids how important I believe marriage to be that it is something so important that it's worth fighting for, no matter how justified you may be if you choose to end it. I know that a marriage isn't just a mommy and a daddy to the kids, it's mommy AND daddy, together, and they deserve to have that. And I don't want to deal with the problems of a blended family. I gather that the new OM has never been married and has no kids, but from some of the things she's said, she's ready to think of starting a brand-new family with this guy. That hurts because I can imagine how weird and rejected our kids will feel around her new family, but it also hurts personally, because Crystal demanded (DEMANDED!) that I get a vasectomy about 7 years ago because she couldn't possible stomach the idea of ever having any more kids. Me, I did want more kids, and I'll never be able to have any more with her or anyone else.

But it was the realization that a divorce under these circumstances was not a sin, and that no matter how much I love my kids, I can't protect them from their mother when she's made her mind up to take a path that will break their hearts. I can only try to show that you call on God when you need help.

I did beg... for a long time, I tried to convince my W not to destroy the family. For my sake, sure, but more for the kids and for her. All she saw was my attempts to save the marriage as me being needy.

Perhaps she'll change her mind. It may be too late by then, though. Right now she's convinced that she'll never regret giving up on us and "moving on" (at warp speed) with "her" life. I cannot fathom making such a fundamental decision, not only for yourself, but for your spouse, and your kids, and then REPLACING your spouse within a week, and not giving the *possibility* that you might regret all that even a moment's thought.

Two rants from me this evening are probably enough... At least before 10:00 EST.

TD:

Well, I think perhaps now is the time to get the "other" things on your life in order.

1. Start pounding the pavement looking for a job (one that allows you to use your legal education).

Buy these two books: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060594...5Fencoding=UTF8

and

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0785263...TF8&s=books

Discontinue further invites for this pity party and "sack up". You now have to set yourself up for the rest of your life, and this means getting your spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial house in order.

Your WW is going to do what she is gonna do. She may come back, she may not....she may not truly love you anymore....perhaps that love was gonna years ago...perhaps she is as they say in an "addiction"....whatever...there is nothing that you can say that will change her mind TODAY.

Women want strong men who are confident and know what they want in life. They DON"T want a weeping, pleading, begging man.....THEY DON'T. STOP BEING THOSE THINGS. Your a young man, so with or without your wife you are gonna have to make these changes....if you want to again find love and respect from another woman (or your wife). Getting a professional job, getting back down to a size 34 waist, shaving everday, writing down, setting and accomplishing goals is what you need to do today. The other stuff will fall into place once you do that. TRUST ME ON THIS.

Your wife can NEVER come back to the "Tested Devotion" of present....ask yourself....Why would she? This is not a slam on you, but just an honest appraisal of what I see here. If you make these changes in your life you will see that you perhaps dont even want your wife back...or maybe you will...but it doesn't matter now. All that matters is that you are NOT living your life to the fullest....and that has to change. This pity party you threw for yourself tonight was the end. Now, start anew NOW.

I hear you, TD. I understand your decision. Remember when I engaged you on response-based choices? This is where it leads.

"was that I knew that she saw the fact that I got the order as me attempting to manipulate and control her (I wasn't)."

When you base your choice on response (possible or predictable), then you are suspectible to being manipulated. You were this time. Your marriage reflected this between you...lack of respect comes from reactive (manipulative) beliefs.

When you base your choice on your code, then you are no longer suspectible to manipulation. Your own or others.

You extracted a promise. Do you hear the manipulation? You are participating in a fantasy, TD. I am not bashing you in anyway. I have been praying and concentrating on you both since Crystal's post. Heck, I even dreamed about you two months ago. My concern is genuine. No attack at all. God is trying so hard to get through to yu, TD. He loves you so much.

Manipulation is a fantasy two people (or more) must share. One, is that you have control over another...can extract a promise...you asked to be lied to in exchange for dropping reality of her actions. You tossed out ownership which she desperately needed on the basis that she won't be a danger.

She proved a danger. She remains a danger. She promised not to have another affair. She promised to work on her marriage. Her promises hold no validity unless you believe them.

You continue to choose to believe them. This concern is about you, not her.

You choose to believe a fantasy, much like she is doing with any OM she meets. Reality is that she did something violent, against the law, and that has legal, and natural consequences.

You just got in the way of her consequences. You just shoved yourself in God's way to reach her.

"We were going to be forced out of the home because everything had gotten out of hand," You were going to be forced out of the home as a consequence of her choice to leave her family. I am pressing reality into you, and I feel offensive doing it. Looking at truth may hurt you so much, when you are already brimming with it.

Needed for clarity, TD. Pain obscures, rationalizes...it is what really pushes us to sell our souls to the devil, not power. The power to be safe from pain does it. I believe I have to crush reality into you now to save you from that path. Not a DJ...been there. Know the road well.

"I also conceeded that I will divorce her on grounds of desertion after a year if she is still in the relationship with her guy (i.e. hasn't at least started the process of trying to return)."

Why wait? Can you make the grounds desertion? It is. Isn't it?

Was this on the bar exam in February? Is there such a thing as justifiable desertion?

I believe you detect that this divorce is not permissible in you because you know, deep within, that you didn't do Plan A, you didn't take steps offered to save your marriage. Something got in the way to you understanding exactly what those steps were and I believe it was fear.

Your very beliefs about humans are in the way of your spiritual beliefs about God. Can you get there from here, TD? Can you finally get out of your own way and stop creating more pain in very full self?

God cries with you, TD. He does. You know this very well.

LA

I feel like I'm Jacob come to wrestle you, an angel, to bend you to bless me.

That's my issue. Not yours.

LA

LA,

Sometimes I get what you're saying, and then I lose the path...

First, the "promise" I extracted from her was what she would have been ordered by the judge had I gone forward. Secondly, you suggested that I got in the way of the natural consequences. I called the police, at the time, and showed them the marks she had left on me, and they wouldn't move on it, so my only real option was for ME to bring an action (protective order).

But you ar right in that I do choose to believe a lot of my wife's lies. For so many years, anything she said that was at all verifiable was the gospel truth. And now, it's a habit that still brings me comfort. I hate myself when I'm suspicious of her.

As for the divorce law in the state... Desertion is a grounds for absolute divorce only after one full year. Which, incidentally, is the same period of time one must wait before filing for divorce on grounds of a voluntary (i.e. "no fault") separation. A separation that isn't voluntary can be a no-fault grounds for divorce for either party after 2-years.

You asked about "justifiable desertion". The answer is, "pretty much." In this state, the grounds you seem to be talking about is called "Constructive Desertion" which is where one spouse makes the household SO oppressive and mentally, emotionally, and/or physically unsafe for the other spouse (or minor children) that the leaving spouse is virtually forced out. My wife was trying to come up with ways of framing her unhappiness as SO extreme and so totally my fault that it justified her leaving. Perhaps if she were to wink at a judge who had just had a 6-martini lunch, it would work, but legally it was pretty thin. (I know she'll read this, so maybe this is gratuitious, but the fact that she started dating again within a week of leaving TOTALLY negates the thought that she left to protect herself, and would make her look like a liar trying to play a gender stereotype to get off scott-free after destroying the lives of everyone in the family and then get sympathy out of the judge, and would probably backfire.)

Back to a previous point... Yes, we would have been forced out of the home because of her choice. HOWEVER, my martyr status would do a lousy job of keeping the rain off of my kids, so regarless of who's at fault for why the security of the home was at risk, I HAD to take some action to preserve the home.

I don't know why you're saying I didn't do a "Plan A." Did I do a perfect Plan A? NO. Does anyone? I did do a Plan A, and I did a fairly good job at it. Perhaps I didn't set firm boundaries, but I didn't really understand their role, and I was afraid to make what I was certain would be seen as selfish demands. LA, I appreciate your analysis, but I know I did do a Plan A.

My ability to have some semblance of dignity in letting go at this point is because I know I did a Plan A, and because I know I've run out of things to appologize for, so I can't even fool myself into thinking I'm to blame.

As to my beliefs about humans being in the way of my beliefs about God... I don't think I undestand what you're getting at, so I don't know how to respond.

"First, the "promise" I extracted from her was what she would have been ordered by the judge had I gone forward."

Are you saying that you got what she would have got anyway? Is that you saying that it was okay to usurp the judge? I don't want to assume. I don't get this.

"I called the police, at the time, and showed them the marks she had left on me, and they wouldn't move on it, so my only real option was for ME to bring an action (protective order)." They WOULDN'T MOVE ON IT???? I didn't get this from your post. Are you kidding me? You got a protective order only...did not file a domestic violence charge? Talk to the DA? Oh, man...

You did what you could when the system didn't, is that correct? Huger kudos than before, TD. Really humungous ones...and I don't try to type out humungous for just any one.

"it's a habit that still brings me comfort. I hate myself when I'm suspicious of her." You choose to continue to believe your wife...because the payoff of doing that is hating yourself if you don't?

What's odd about that logic?

Help me out.

"which is where one spouse makes the household SO oppressive and mentally, emotionally, and/or physically unsafe for the other spouse (or minor children) that the leaving spouse is virtually forced out." Wouldn't that be the description of an affair?

"HOWEVER, my martyr status would do a lousy job of keeping the rain off of my kids, so regarless of who's at fault for why the security of the home was at risk, I HAD to take some action to preserve the home." Martyr status? Martyrs for anything but God are imposters and improbable. False belief and fantasy addicts. You would not be homeless. You know that. Why portray it to yourself as such?

I'm asking you for your deepest truth...will you give it to me?

Plan A...which is about you changing how you believe, learning respect, seperate and equal, not choosing to believe anyone else's truth, but to honor it; deep self examination and ownership...removing blame from the marriage; knowing where you end and your partner begins so that you only set boundaries around yourself and then enforce them; and knowing that dignity is not self-respect...that you can't have self-respect when you don't respect others.

This is not me blaming you or telling you that you failed. There is no blame. I have been pressing you from the beginning, painting it every which I can, for you to see ownership. Not blame.

My mission was to show you real comfort...not fantasy. Where you are released from the beliefs that you chose and operate from, and know your power of choice.

Tonight, you say you choose to believe to keep yourself from hating yourself. Like your choice is a lesser of two evils, instead of God's power to you, his ultimate respect and divine love aflame in your life.

A few times, now, I feel a failure for his message to you. I see your posts and do not reply. I chose to believe you did not want me to because you demand proof...and of this, only human lives transformed are proof...you won't know it until you live it. Your pain is as real to me as this keyboard, this medium. Your struggle, your commitment and your terror. I believe this experience is teaching me Jesus' words...only they who will hear will receive.

Maybe I messed up with the message...didn't have the words you would hear...my part. I do not doubt God wants to connect with you. I'll respect your request if you want me to not post to you.

LA