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Hi Dorry,
Thanks for starting something for us FWW's...but I must admit that I'm still a WW, trying to recover.
My greatest fears are that:
1. I will have to go back to being the "yes dear, whatever you want, dear," wife I was before, aching inside and crying out for help, or love, but being ingnored.
2. That he will really change but that I can never change...It's as if I've woken up to myself, courageous again (as I was before my marriage), and I'm not sure that I can go back to my other self.
3. That I'll never love my H again, the way I love my OM right now. I gave my H everything I had these 12 years...there is literally NOTHING left to give.
4. Sex: great with OM, always was a struggle for me in my marriage.
5. That I'd choose my marriage simply because I'm afraid to go it alone. Or for my kid's sake: and I'd be miserable.
6. Scared the OM will disappear soon after I D...not that I've decided to.
Read my posts under Plan A/Plan B and General Q's II...the OM is my FIL. My H is trying to decide when he will expose to my MIL, his Mom. He hasn't yet. I think I will be relieved when it happens. I'm tired of the indecision. I want to see what she will do, if her hurt and anger will shock me into repentence. I feel numb.
Oh, if anyone replies, make sure you are either a FWW, a WW, or a KIND poster! DJ's go both ways, and if posters DJ WS's, it won't necessarily help them recover...I can't say how many nasty letters I've just ignored because the writer didn't take the time to understand the situation, or me. If you've got anger issues, deal with them in your own life, rather than using this board as a way to punish all WS's for your hurt.
I will say that I've learned and grown more from those who've responded kindly, with good solid advice, than from any DJ-ing writer. And I am moving more toward my H and M than I was before I ever posted.
Any other WW's, or FWW's out there with the same fears? Or hope for a better M? Hey Habiba, Welcome over to GQ2 Sorry you are in this place. You have the same fears as EACH and EVERY FWW...and all of us hope for a better marriage. KiwiJ even came back to her marriage not convinced she could love her H and it could be better...but here she is 2 years later in love and happy...and my marriage is NOTHING like it was - it's GOOD now - but in my case it took ME changing how I approach my husband. It took ALOT of looking at me and figuring out how wrong I was in so many things and areas. I am sorry - but you need to tell your husband that you guys HAVE to tell your mother in law. I know how awkward that is...but she deserves to know...no matter how much it effects your relationships - this is sadly a concequence and FAULT of your FIL and you. Dont let FIL convince you it is a bad idea- this is him just getting off easy. Your MIL deserves a chance to choose whether she wants to make the marriage work RIGHT or leave. OBviously the marriage isn't as good as she may think or her husband would NOT be sleeping with his son's wife.... and I am sorry - sometimes I may not be so kind to you, and I hope you do not ignore me...and those who respond not so kind to you - remember it is how your HUSBAND is feeling and you should LEARN from what they are telling you. I have BEEN in those shoes - being the FWW...like so many of us - those harsh words from people WILL be what saves your marriage and YOU. To start recovery off right - start with being honest and tell your MIL and let her have a fighting chance at this too. And then after that - start to look at those fears you have and instead of focusing on your husband changing to make that happen - start to figure out how YOU can change to make these things happen...........
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Thanks, Dorry, for responding so quickly!
I agree: my MIL must know. We have always been close...up until now, obviously. I know I've been distancing myself from her even before the A began, largely in an attempt to justify what was happening. Ugh.
Q: Should my H and I go together to tell her? Or should he just go? I think it might help a little in the future if she saw that I was sorry, and willing to confess, rather than waiting for my H to do the dirty work. What do you think?
Thanks for answering my "fear list" as well...I am gathering hope as seeds, little by little. I must have the courage to plant them, water them, and wait for them to spring up into new life, new marriage. What a relief to talk to FWWs! You understand, yet challenge me and bring me farther along than I can go on my own!
Bless you and all the FWWs out there. If good can come from bad, this is certainly a great example!
Very Gratefully,
Habiba
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Well - you should not do it. If you do it - your husband needs to be with you. So either he does it - or you do it together. Together might be best - but dont do it alone...You are the other woman - not her daughter in law now...
the fear list is a fear list that almost each and every one of us has feared...some more than others, some less on the list - some more than what is on list. There are MANY recovered FWW's here who are glad they did the work to restore their marriage...but I wont try and fool you - it's not easy.
And your case will be even more challenging, as your FATHER IN LAW is the OM...and NC will be next to impossible.
And with NC...you will never get that release that all FWW"s need to commit - that withdrawel and moving on. Unless your husband is willing to move away from his family, and only have contact with them for family things and nothing else.
You will have to try and choose to stay as far away from them as possible - and don't be surprised if your MIL turns on you, and wants your son to leave you....you will be the epiphony of all the wrongs done to her....it is not going to be easy.
Now saying all that though - if you can stick it rhough and if you are willing to do the work you can have that marriage you desire...
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I am steeling myself for the exposure...I'll let you know when my H decides to tell her and how it turns out.
I'm so glad to be on this forum! My H and I were keeping it to ourselves, and now we know for certain that she must be told.
To ALL who have advised 1woundedheart (my H) and I, thank you...for now. Maybe I'll be singing a different tune when this can o'worms is open and everyone knows what I've done. Hopefully, I'll be free of this mess, and stronger and ready to do some real MB-ing!
To Be Continued...
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Hi Habiba, I'm the KiwiJ that Dorry mentioned. I don't have a lot to add at the moment. I sort of wore myself out on my "joint effort" thread and feel I've said nearly all I have to say there.
My H exposed to the OMs wife after the A was over for quite some time, but I had been wavering in a very dangerous way and he knew he had to take drastic action to stop me contacting the OM or the OM contacting me. It worked.
He told his sister the day after d-day, mainly because he HAD to have someone to talk to. He wanted to talk to my uncle, for no reason other than he was a man my H trusted, but my mother refused to let him. I still feel that was a very selfish act on my mother's part. More concerned about what the family would "think" than about how my H was feeling. But that's all water under the bridge now.
I just wanted to welcome you to MB and let you know that there's always hope. As Dorry said, I was a very "foggy" FWW 2 years ago.
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Habiba, the most important first step TOWARDS recovery is ending ALL contact with the OM IMMEDIATELY. Recovery cannot even begin until that happens. That should start with exposure to your MIL, followed by a no contact letter to the FIL. This is the least you can as a good will gesture to your H. The letter should be written together and mailed by your H. Perhaps he can even hand it over when he tells your MIL the truth.
Here is a sample from Surviving an Affair:
Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)
(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for welcoming me.
I read your dialog post, and LOVED IT. It was beautifully done and very insightful. Thank you for the hard work you two put into it. I know I'll read it over and over. I've referred it to my H, too.
I'm in the same situation as you said: Dangerous Wavering. I do hope that exposure will force me to do the right thing.
It's as if my heart's stopped, and I need to be jolted with one of those defibrillators, you know?
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Yes, I do know.
Habiba, I have "gut" feelings whenever I talk to a FWS (and BSs as well). I have been right on the money for the past 2 years, which is quite good statistically.
My gut is telling me you are going to make it.
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Please brace yourself, Habiba, so that you don't become discouraged as your feelings for your husband return.
As you begin to care about him again, it will start to pain you greatly what you have done to him. He is still at least partly in shock, and won't be aware himself of the full damage for quite some time.
I'm sure you will have a hard time at that point. My FWH told me not long ago that sometimes it's still hard for him to look at himself in the mirror and know what he did.
Be prepared to talk to your husband when this happens, and don't give up. If there's one thing you learn here, it's that feelings change over time, both good and bad. The good feelings must be nurtured, and even the worst feelings will pass eventually. So just keep this in mind as you hope for your feelings to return. They will, but with a price.
In the meantime, you have gotten awesome advice. Best wishes as you carry it out.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Neakie, do you know what's been worrying me lately.
I feel nothing for the OM any more.
Then I think with a really horrible sinking guilty feeling.
WHY THE HE!! DID I PUT US THROUGH THIS THEN.
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Yes, I am so grateful for all the advice from you all.
KiwiJ, thanks for encouraging me that "we'll make it."
Neakie, great advice. I guess I never thought about the pain when my love returns...but I suppose it will hurt in a good way. Anything's got to be better than this numbness where love used to be. I'll keep looking back at these posts.
More Later...
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Melody Lane,
Thanks for your response, must have missed it earlier.
My H is going to tell my MIL soon. Then he's moving me away w/ smaller 2 kids when my contract job is done (3-4 weeks). Then the NC can really begin.
You're right...recovery can't begin until I don't see him again.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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habiba, why wouldn't nc begin NOW?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}} Weaver1, what are you doing here? This is a serious thread! habiba, "Weaver1" is right. You do not talk to OM. OM does not talk to you. You do not go to your IL's house. He does not come to your house. You do not go anywhere he is likely to be, not even church. You still send the NC letter, you still tell your MIL. All moving will do is make it easier to keep on doing what you're ALREADY doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Morning Habiba How was your weekend? Have you thought more about the NC and making sure your MIL knows ASAP? I am not around much on weekends - spend them with my handsome husband <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So checking in on Monday!! teehee
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habiba, i'm checking in with you...are you okay? Please don't let any mean-spirited comments from others dissuade you from posting. I am here to listen, should you need an "ear."
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Thanks, sfjaj:
It's been touch and go...We don't have NC -- my MIL and FIL take care of my kids while I work. We've struggled to stay "clean" and haven't been able to ( no surprise there).
My H asked me tonight if there had been any physical contact...I tried to lie, couldn't...he's been gone now for 4 hours, presumably to tell his mom (my MIL, the other BS). I'm just waiting for him to return.
Thank you for writing...I'll keep posting as new things happen. I'm so confused right now, and have so little hope that we can make it through this. I feel completely helpless to stop, because only part of me wants to. I don't want to move away because I'm afraid of being with only my H again, especially now that I've hurt him so badly. I just can't foresee any happy times with him again. Things were pretty tough before the A...I can't imagine that they'd improve after.
I feel so good when I'm alone, or w/ the kids. I feel capable, energetic. When H is around, I feel awful: there's so much pressure. Ugh. I feel pretty desperate and a bit hopeless. I know we were happy once, when I was wholeheartedly invested in our M. I feel awful.
Thanks for writing, sfjaj, and anyone else who has anything to say...
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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habiba, this is very tough...I understand. I too am struggling. The important question for you here is number 1: your own healing. What is important to you? You sound as though your self esteem has suffered. You may need to take a bit of separate time right now to figure out exactly what you want. Please stay around here and enlist soul support for yourself. It may be too overwhelming to make too many decisions now, but DO make decisions that honor yourself and your children.
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May God help your MIL tonight. Her life has just been destroyed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It might be nice to direct some of this sympathy tonight to Habiba's MIL in the form of prayer since she is currently being informed that her H is screwing her very own DIL under her own roof. I cannot imagine a crueler, more evil betrayal. Her life will never be the same.
Not only was her marriage shattered tonight, but her own loving family.
Please show some compassion for HER and say a prayer for HER HEALING. She did not ask for this, after all.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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