I just came across this thread today, and this comment from KiwiJ struck me like a bolt of lightning. I too was a FWW, i felt so "in love" with someone else for a good 2 years. I ended the A on my own, as my husband had given up to the point where he believed there was anything he could do. And once i was ready to end the A, i was surprised at how little it hurt, i was never "forced" to NC, so it came to a natural end (husband had moved away but kept contact). But the major point in all of this is. When looking back now, i dont feel the SLIGHTEST feeling for FOM. And i keep asking myself the same question over and over, just like KiwiJ did. Back then when i was with OM, i always still felt that i cared for my H, i didnt want to see him hurt, but couldnt do anything to stop his pain, cause i was so "in love". So if i was so "in love"? Then why dont i feel anything for OM now? I feel absolutely nothing, i dont miss a thing, i dont think back to any "nice" memories... there is nothing.

Why do we have A's? Why do they seem to important at the time, when later we all see that it was never worth all the pain that we caused.

Maybe this helps you Habiba, one day you will look back and most likely wonder the same thing. And i hope it strenghtens your believe in your marriage, that you can make it, and that you are doing the right thing.

ML, yes, the MIL does most definitely deserve compassion and sympathy. Your delivery leaves much to be desired, and I would venture a guess that your extreme hostility to those reaching out, trying to figure out a way to change, has turned many away who might have a hope at genuinely changing. I will continue to think of and pray for Habiba, as she is one of God's creatures also, whether YOU believe she is making all of the morally correct decisions or not. Every time she posts here, there is hope.

Daggi, your post was very good!

sfjaj, I hope that some day you get the recovery you need so that you can wake up and differentiate between A CRUEL ACT and SAYING something is cruel. You don't bat an eyelash at the cruelest behavior, but seem to come unglued when someone SAYS it is cruel. That reflects on your own mentality and perhaps a mind that is fearful of the truth.

And I do hope that you have a SHRED of decency and said a prayer for Habiba's victim, her MIL. Habiba has shattered her MIL's life with her actions. It will never be the same. Her children will be ripped apart from their grandmother. Her HOME will never be the same because the affair took place in HER OWN HOME.

And you are on here blathering away about Habiba's poor "self esteem" on the same night that the MIL finds out that Habiba has been screwing her FIL - without any repentence - under the MIL's own roof. The ramifications of this cruel act are FAR REACHING. And it isn't even on your radar. AMAZING.

But I don't see you say anything about that. I don't see a word of compassion or concern for the MIL. So, excuse me if I find your delivery - AND CONTENT - to be very lacking. And not helpful at all to Habiba.

Hi all. Guess I will step into the fray.

sfjaj wrote: “The important question for you here is number 1: your own healing. What is important to you? You sound as though your self esteem has suffered.”

Speaking from the voice of FWW experience (and it took me 2 painful years and almost losing my M to figure this out), if any WS’s main purpose is to recover his/her M, the important question is number 1: My S’s healing. What is important to my S? Until we realize that the way our S feels about our A is more important than the way we feel about our A, we cannot recover our M, or our self-esteem.

If married people would begin marriages by being determined to consider how all of their decisions/actions affect their S’s, A’s could be avoided!

“You may need to take a bit of separate time right now to figure out exactly what you want.”

If WS want to stay in their M’s, separate time is unsafe because it gives more space for secrecy and contact with the OP. We all to need to figure out exactly what we want, but our S’s need to be included in the decision making process - with open, honest communication.

God bless,
Rose

I agree Rose..right now is not the time to focus on healing...the affair hasn't even ended...its destruction is raging....

it's like the fire is still burning the forest...and someone wants to talk about whether to plant shrubbery or bushes...

ARK

And perhaps some day you will recognize that your delivery is self-righteous and NOT at all helpful. Until then, your message will be ignored by WS who need help to change. You become unglued any time a FWS doesn't cowtail to your call for self-punishment. THAT is the truth; sorry, you don't intimidate me

ark - yes, they are in the middle of the crisis. I wonder how things are going today...

habiba - things probably do feel scary and impossible right now. Do you have a counselor or pastor to help you and your H get through this?

Rose

Ark, I meant my previous post for ML, not you

Habiba, please return and keep posting. It won't be helpful for you if you leave. You can use the ignore function to weed out hurtful comments from the bitter BS, but there are quite a few who intend to be helpful...

You mean ignored BY YOU, don't you? You hardly speak for the numerous other WS's who disagree with you on this thread and many others - on almost every issue. I understand your hostility very much, it is the result of someone who is averse to the truth. Your little temper tantrum was brought on by the observation that Habiba's affair was very cruel. A simple statement of FACT. So, it is not me that is causing you this upset, but the TRUTH, because you know thats a true statement.

But, like I said before, this is NOT ABOUT YOU, sfjaj, and your personal issues, but about Habiba and her very mangled, destroyed family. Why not focus your attention on getting the help you need and let us help Habiba?

I'm trying to help her, but you seem to throw many "temper tantrums" about not being able to beat a FWS into submission on all of your points. Obviously, you don't recognize your own issues...It's okay, perhaps some day, you will move beyond hostility. After all, recovery is a continuum and you are still growing...

FIX yourself, sfjaj, before you try to fix others. It is diverting you from your own recovery. You don't help her by telling her what you think she wants to hear. Fix yourself first...................

ML, clearly you and I are both recovering...As it doesn't preclude you from dispensing advice, neither does it preclude me from offering my perspectives

sfjaj,
I just want you to know that as a bs evertime you say bitter BS it makes me want to vomit. Am I bitter? I'm sure I was - I think ever BS has a right to be bitter and to hear your self rightous replies is just too much. You don't want to listen to what these wonderful people have to offer unless it is what you want to hear. I just don't get it.

After my ex's affair I had no self esteem at all - none - zip - zero - he had tons - why wouldn't he - he got someone else besides his wife to fall in love with him. I still find myself doubting things. I have a wonderful relationship now - but there will always be that little nagging doubt - will he cheat??? And I don't know of may betrayed spouses that doesn't happen too. Do WS have to worry about that?

It just seems like you have other FWW's telling you very helpful things - telling you to heal - then you will see what they are talking about. I don't see many responses to them - but for some reason everything ML says to you is wrong and you have something negative to say.

Please don't call BS bitter - most of them are here to save their marriage and to make better ones. The affair was not their choice - please remember that.

Hi, Habiba here.

The thing is, I would like to say exactly what you all want to hear: I feel terrible, started NC today, I love my H and only my H, etc. I want you all to keep talking to me, helping me, challenging me, calling a spade a spade.

The scary thing is, I feel stuck. I go back and forth between wanting to begin NC (and moving), and wanting to maintain C at the risk of my M falling apart. What is wrong w/ me? Is my guilt-o-meter broken?

How did other FWS's get to the point where they wanted to end the A? I can't seem to get to that point.

I just don't care.

I've heard lots about disrespect and cruel behavior. Yes, I admit that I am being very disrespectful to them. Yes, this A is cruel behavior.

How can I start down the path of caring????? What will it take to revive my soul? To force me to admit how awful this is, and how much I really want to change!

I feel sad and sick for my H and MIL...they deserve so much better than what I have given them. I have taken away the innocence of their M's. I don't blame my FIL, I blame myself...But not enough to stop, evidently!

I'm not thumbing my nose here. I am really trying to get a jump start...my heart is dead. So numb, so cold.

Please help me.

Habiba, start with respect for yourself. I had to get to the place where I felt sick within myself before I could stop the A. Did I really want a life where I was performing actions that made me feel tormented inside? You have time to figure out what you want, but begin within yourself. I'm going to guess that living a double life is not contributing to your esteem or sense of well being. If you need to, take some time for yourself in IC to figure out what you need. I am here; please talk with me on another thread if not comfortable here

I'm sorry you're in such turmoil and pain, Habiba...

Something you may want to remember here... the risk of your marriage being destroyed is a part of the equation...

... the risk to your children... is HUGE.

What will you tell them, if you try to build a relationship to OM/Grandpa?

What about their grandmother?

Can you see how the mere *idea* of making a life with Grandpa will affect your children?

Look at the big picture here...

And I really do know how hard NC can be, and how torn you feel... that said, I also know how it feels to look BACK and see yourself and your actions... years later...

How you *feel* at this moment, will not be how you feel years from now. That much, I can promise...

Well, this is an excellent example of Exactly WHY you cannot "bargain" with a WS on exposure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

You Know:
Giving them either time OR space to Supposedly get their head together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

All it Does is Prolong the A for Everyone Involved! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

More lies, more sex, and therefore more pain and resentment to have to work through.

Sad, sad , sad:
Just MORE wasted time / energy ......not to mention Integrity and credibility!

A Plea to newbies:
Please Expose to the other persons spouse Sooner rather than Later.
Yes, its going to be uncomfortable (to all) and Painful (that's a given).
However, to wait just makes there more to hurt from (on all sides) .......as well as delays any Healing to truly begin.

Please Ignore the pleas of the still blinded,
that somehow Still think that MORE deception --- more hiding of the truth -- and more secrecy is the way to Go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Unfortunately,
they still don't correlate that "That is" Exactly the type of Behavior that Lead them to the Place they are NOW.

No amount of justification or other faulty reasoning will Alter that fact.

Remember,
Whether someone is actively cheating or not,
Please pass their advice through the WS 'Mindset' Filter.

Unfortunately,
a person can still think, reason and have the faulty perspective of a WS, even if they are not currently Boinking someone else.

Therefore:
If what they post,
more closely resembles what you would Hear out of an active WS,
then Take it for what its worth and Keep reading.

Habiba, yes, your guilt-o-meter is broken. Mine was too during, and right after, my affair. I didn't feel guilty and I marveled at the fact that I didn't feel guilty. It was the most surreal sensation.

Here's the thing: Your affair is a very powerful addiction. It makes you feel good. In fact, it may be the only thing in your life right now that does make you feel good. And it obscures reality. That's why you don't feel like yourself right now.

How do you find the strength to break such a powerful addiction? I don't know. I guess, as they say, you have to hit rock bottom. Is this rock bottom for you... or will you wait until your husband kicks you out, gets full custody of your kids, and you wake up one morning to see your OM for what he really is -- a charming, two-timing, snake in the grass, predator.

Please, Habiba. I have been right where you are now. Please stop it before it's too late!!!

(((Habiba)))


There is nothing wrong with you, only with your choices.

Smartcookie,

Thanks for writing.

I don't know when I'll hit rock bottom. Is that really what it takes?

I know I'm addicted, and other than my wonderful kids, it is the best part of my life. I know my H's back is against the wall...he's struggling to be wonderful, messes up sometimes, gets totally discouraged, and is so hurt...how could he possibly be as kind and loving as the OM right now?

Somehow the consequences haven't scared me yet. I want to be scared, though. I wish someone would come and lock me up until I'm over this! But I know that only I can make the choice to begin recovery. I am not a victim.

I know this A was my choice. Please slap me someone!

Thank you for the hug. Here's one for you: ((SC))