Mrs. W, I appreciate it, but I'm tired. Plus, I'm not sure I can move beyond how you made fun of me, knowing yourself, as a FWS, how emotions can play games with my mind. I think I could have handled just criticism, but you made light of my situation and handled it as an object for humor. So, I won't antagonize anymore, but I'm having a very hard time believing your motives are sincere. I know I created my own pain and my H pain, but you helped, with others, to make it the butt of many jokes tonight. I'm not trying to pick a fight, but that is my truth

You don't know Mrs. W very well. She saw an awful lot of herself in you- that is why she was so intent on posting to you.

I wish you well, sfjaj...

Mrs. W

moveforward, I'm sure she has been helpful to many, and I know I have created my own mess, but it was the way in which it was handled. I don't wish to argue anymore; i'm actually too spent for it. Something in LA's post really reached me tonight, and it hit me hard. No one has shown me such kindness before, and it broke through. Too much has happened with the others, but it's okay

Bottom line, S.

We are ALL responsible for our own choices, actions and words.

We have ALL had to learn the hard way, in some form, or another.

So, do you WANT to stop the bickering here, and begin to recover? Do you want the help that is offered here? Are you ready to lay down the sword, and get busy?

If so, then let's get started! Time's a wasting!

I guess one more bit of truth before we move on further; I learned earlier this week that I have early stage cervical cancer and that knocked already frazzled emotions off the chart. I hadn't said anything because I don't like revealing things, but I suppose it's affected me

I'm very sorry to hear this, Sfjaj. If it is in the early stages, then they must still be able to catch it and prevent it from spreading.

I don't wish this on anyone. I know this had to be a shock to you, and I can see how it could play with your emotions. I WILL say a prayer for you, S.

We really DO care, here!

sfjaj...

I am sorry to hear that, I really am...I will include you in my prayers...

Mrs. W

Sfjaj,

You said
I was wondering what had caused this meltdown in you. It did not seem to be something your H did. Actually, it was clear it was NOT what people here were saying as you will realize in a about a week if you come back to these threads and read them then.

sfjaj, does your H know? How is he handling it? Please seek solice from him. I think he can give you want you need and frankly there is NOT another human on this planet that can give that.

I have said this many times, perhaps even to Mrs. W, I know I said it KiwiJ. Your H is the ONLY person that can make you whole after all of this. You don't realize this now, but you will, YOU NEED him in your life because on this planet his is the only one that can help you make right what was wrong.

Don't believe me. Go over to the pregnancy side of this place and ask Tigger and AD. They KNOW, I think Mrs. W knows and so does Jen (KiwiJ).

Talk to your H about your fears. Talk to him about your needs. Let the man help you. I think he will help you more than you can ever imagine.

I hope you get a good nights sleep and that tomorrow you realize you have a whole lot of living to do and you should not waste it in anger. No one here is angry at you either.

God Bless,

JL

I put you on the prayer thread I have going, Sfjaj. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless...

Jennifer

Dear sfjaj - I’m so sorry to hear about the news of the cancer… I will include you in my prayers too. I trust the cancer will (while it’s still in the early stage) be healed and prevented from spreading…

As JL has said, seek solice from your H… You two can help each other heal & recover. Reach out to him and share all your feelings (as you’ve eventually done on this thread yesterday) with him and allow him to do the same with you… I understand your feelings of shame and worthlessness at this stage, but you CAN turn things around sfjaj and one day you will be able to look back and feel proud of yourself!

I will not be around on these forums for the next 10 days, but I hope when I return you will still be here posting and taking active steps to help yourself, your H and your M recover…and that you will listen to experienced posters (BS's and FWS's) advice and not let your feelings of defensiveness etc. interfere. However, taking everything into account (and the emotions you're currently going through), I do have some understanding now for why you've acted like this yesterday - but it is in the past now so let's move on.

And lastly but most importantly – ALL the posters on these boards DO care sfjaj...(although you might not think so right now). These forums and website will be of TREMENDOUS additional help in your marital AND personal recovery. Please don’t give up on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care,
Suzet

sfjaj - A question before proceeding. Do you, and your husband, wish to proceed with recovery of your marriage WITH or WITHOUT Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

The answer to that question will determine much in what can be offered to help you with your recovery efforts.

sfjaj,

I'm very sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I wish you would have said something before... it explains your sudden change of mood... and is completely understandable.

Use your energies to fight for your physical health and your marital health, please...

You don't have to believe every single thing MB teaches... and this is not anything like a cult. Believe me, I am a poster-child for what NOT to do. If you get the chance, go back in the archives and read my story... I believed in the principles and did the opposite more times than I can count.

Remember, there are reasons some are here for years after recovery... usually it's to help others... sometimes it's just to connect with old friends... sometimes it's to have fun... and sometimes it is to remember... to remember where we were, and how far we've come.

Hang on, sfjaj... this is a rollercoaster ride... and the one thing I can tell you, which is vitally important: You can get off the ride and begin to walk on solid ground. Your choice.

Let the healing begin.

sfjaj,

I want you to know that I will pray for you as well. I understand the feelings of hatred towards yourself. I dealt with that for MANY years after D-day. THE most important thing is to realize that what you did, although was devisatating to MANY, was a mistake. If you have truly repented of it, you need to find the forgiveness for yourself. I'm not sure of your beliefs, but one way, if you are a Christian, is to write out a prayer, admitting of ALL your sexual sins, from the A all the way down to thoughts you may have had in the past. I just did that recently, and I will tell you that I WISH that I had found this book that told me how to do it way earlier! Write it ALL out, even the details that keep coming back to you. If you are truly repentant, say the prayer, then accept the forgiveness that is yours! Sometimes you feel it wash over you right away, other times it's a slow moving force, but how ever you do it, PLEASE do it! Once that's said and done, destroy the "letter" to God and any time that thoughts start to creep up, give them BACK to God. Trust me, it works!

I'm glad to hear that even though there's been some contact, it wasn't you who initiated it. PLEASE, keep in mind WHO comes first! You need to reject ANY contact from xom, NO MATTER WHAT HE TRIES TO SAY IT'S ABOUT!!!! Have you and your H considered changing phone numbers and such? Saving a M from the WS pov is hard but WELL worth the work! I may not have followed the MB principles to the letter, but I can tell you that they DO work! Have you gotten or read any of the books by the Harleys? If not PLEASE give them a chance! Read them together with your H and discuss them together. If you are a little tight on money, I believe that one of the books is a culmination of a couple, I believe it's "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" if I'm wrong, please correct me.

You CAN and you WILL make it through all of this, especially if you listen to many of the posters that you feel are laughing at you. You are a brave woman to continue your work in your M, but you need to pick and choose who you will let get to you and those that you feel don't want to help, just ignore. But, I can guarantee that a couple years down the road, if you look back at how you are today compared to how you will be then, especially if you succeed in rebuilding your M, you will see what many of those posters are now talking about. I truly feel that you want to make your M better and are willing to do what it takes. Take solace in your H in regards to your recent diagnosis. By all means DO NOT talk to xom about this situation. Talk to the attorney about your H's rights with your D and do everything possible to protect your M! Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you on your journey into recovery. I try to keep up on GQ2, but with my busy schedule often get lost so usually sitck to P/C. If there is something specific, all me out on P/C and direct me to the post you need help with.

Anyway, again I will pray for your recent diagnosis and try to keep up with how you are doing.

God Bless,

Thank you to all of you; I guess in the way that we discipline our children because we love them, when adults act like children, others who have gone there before will redirect them. I hadn't posted today because my H took the day off from work, and we are spending time together. My H and I are Christians, but several years back we got very off track (as witnessed by my A). It's very difficult to pray together and then participate in the blatant sin I have. So, I'm here, and I will "be still" and listen. My cancer is treatable, have upcoming surgery scheduled.

sfjaj,

The secret to all of this is really really simple. Take good care of your H and allow him to take good care of you. Then make sure you both take good care of yourselves. If you do this you will be amazed at how so many of these problems and issues will shrink in size. You two can do this. It has been done before.

It just takes honesty, care, and a willingness to forgive:each other and yourselves.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Please read the posts of NewCreation formerly known as facing choices. She was the reason I first registered and she was the first person I ever posted to. Read her update first, and then find her story. Alot of it was lost in a disk crash about 2000 I believe. Here it is NewCreations Update

sfjaj, her story can be yours, it really can. Please read the whole page, not just the particular post that comes up.

Sfjaj,

I love you, sweetie.

I'm going away to a monastery to talk to God...I will come back with a decision, and will have no one to blame if I stay or go...I will be strong and choose a path.

If my M isn't wonderful in 20 years, I won't be able to blame it on my DH. I chose to stay, and make things wonderful.

If I leave and am alone or with someone else in 20 years, I will have no one to blame for my choices.

The time has come for me to be strong and choose.

Thank you for your encouragement and support.

Thank you ALL (Mrs. W, MLane, LAnyway, BryanP, FHers, JLearning, Suzet, Dorry, everyone)

I'll post again Monday or Tuesday.

Very Sincerely, Habiba

Habiba, I love you too and am praying for you, that you make a decision that TRULY honors you and your family

Bump for sfjaj

For Monday for Habiba (when I'll be gone all week!),

Resenting God...

Resentments are like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. For me, when I watched my H not die, I set out to kill him with an A. I say this to show how much I used my own resentments to justify my choices, my life...and then turned around and looked at what I had created with dread and shame...when I felt so entitled before.

When others fail our expectations, we resent. Look to your expectations...God as protector (he will save you from what? pain? bad choices? harming others?), God will provide for your needs, soothe your heart, calm your mind?

God sees you and reaches for you, resides with you and respects you as the separate human he made that way...equal to everyone else, made marvelously, same way. He will not protect you from your own choices, yet in a thousand ways, he has protected you from others where you could not know of it; he will not protect you from pain...that is an emotion, like all the rest of them, to give you information about your beliefs and your actions.

God provides for your needs by putting humans in your life, and reminds us to provide for our own. He cares very much for how we treat ourselves...his creations...and grieves us leaving our selves behind, recreating ourselves to earn love from others, to fit, belong, when that desire alone says that God created badly, not equally.

There is ownership, Habiba, owning our expectations is as important as owning our resentments...we make them for a reason, a purpose...the payoff of proof we are victims, not loved well enough or in the right way we want to be...yet we are, all the time. Resentment forms a barrier to reality, to love, to all that we want because we tell ourselves through expectations that love, effort, consideration, appreciation, admiration, attention--all of that isn't good enough as they are being given, so they don't exist at all.

We do this, Habiba. We do it to ourselves. When we look outward for our own care, we teach our self we are not loved, for we are not showing love for ourselves...the same with all the other needs, too. We train ourselves to not see what is right there by looking outward at what isn't. We are choosing a deadly perspective and causing pain within ourselves, which goes out and harms others.

All our lives, God loves us even when we cannot love ourselves. He does this through others, and there are always others who do, when we won't. Our choices remain...our power...choose wisely. Replace your old beliefs of what love is, how you want it, and when, and you'll be filled with love from the inside...which will spill out onto others like your pain did...and heal everyone.

Your choice. His respect.

You can do this.

LA