hello all i just found out last week that my wife was or is
cheating on me and dang does it hurt im trying to keep a brave face infront of our kids but whooo. i found out the hard way of course like many of us, she and i have been growing apart i guess. about a month ago i noticed changes in her so added a spy program to our computer and got all her passwords. i told her that when i seen her her typing away on "my space" that i didn't like the fact she had guy friend on there on and her responce was that they're just ol' friends. so w/ this spyware i found out that she didnt know if she was "in love w/ me anymore" i asked her about it and she told me that i needed to fix a couple of things in our marriage that i had never payed any attention to her like listening to her, helping w/ the kids ages 3 and 4, house hold chores and living in a 2 bed ugly house w/ 4 kids doesnt help either. so i started to fix all of my faults and we even went to a morgage comp. to see about a morgage, which i found out 2 days ago we where approved but i denied it due to our current problems. now i know i'm not perfact in any means of the word but i'm trying for example i was raised by a spanish mother w/ 3 little sister who waited on me hand and foot bad of me yes but what do you do. so when my wife and i stared to date and got married she did the same oh by the way we been married for six yrs come april 5. yeah! so i know that the few times that i helped around the house i shouldn't of asked for a thanks i know stupid! anyhow i thought we where doing ok until last wendsday when i decide to look sign on her name on that damn devil site "myspace" i found emails between her and him about how she was looking foward to her soon trip for work and so forth also read about how she enjoyed seeing him and there kiss the other nite and how she may make another special trip to walmart. so i then called her from my office to ask her if she was cheating on me and of course the anwser was no until i read there emails, word for word to her she started to cry and admitted to it also letting me that it ment nothing and that it was just a one time thing! so i stared to yell told her to move out and here i am a week later after all the feelings of its my fault, what did i do wrong, the crazy feelings that im having, rather to stay w/ her or leave or to fix or not to fix. im the only one who seems to be trying to fix the mairrage im the one who suggested going to a councelor i've been doing all the calling all the "what do you want me to do" i even went as fars as driving 3 hrs. to see her at her job. even though she didnt ask me to but said yes she wanted me too. the 1st couple of days she was chasing after me now it seems im doing all the work and frankly im getting tierd of it and am about to ask her to move out. how ever i have also had all the range of emotions that go along w/ this mess like how do i know its over? where is she when shes not infront of me not to mention i checked her cell phone this morning before i left for work to see who shes been talking to and of course i told her i did that and she got mad but she seems to forget that she cheated on me and i can olny trust as long as i can keep her in my sights! im going crazy thank god shes willing to go theropy w/ me in 2 weeks cause she says she still loves me and wants us to work but that she is still "just blahhhh" about me & of course she doesn't know what she wants cause i keep going back and forth about her staying or leaving the house so for now i'm letting her stay even though i think she is just gearing up to leave me when she gets payed. its been very hard to deal w/ everthing i just dont know what to do i've begged, & pleaded w/ her. but shes not letting me know anything like how she wants to work on us shes not giving me any feed back except that she wants me not to bring it up tommorrow so im going to do my best and not bring it up all weekend. im yet to break, burn or harm anytihng of hers not to mention i haven't even kick her out or tryed to seek out the other guy even though he works 2 mins from the house.i've been the one doing all the trying to fix the marriage stuff and i dont think i should be the one to being doing it all!! she says she doesnt know what she wants. so i told her if she wants to remain "my wife" she would have to seek help, stop working 2 jobs, spend sum us time, get off the devil space which she has done and of course stop seeing him which she says shes done. but how do i belive her? i dont know if i cant start trusting her.i told her that it would help if she lets me know when shes leaving and when shes going would help but all i get is that she doent need to do that! also i've asked her if she wants me to start trusting her & believe her to call or i.m. me even if its to tell me hi or she loves me that would set my little heart at ease a bit but she says shes not that person any more that, "that well has dryed up". i've even suggested we go away for a weekend but she doesn't want to mess any shoots that she has set up so that means to me that "we are going to have to wait" and thats not fair to me especially after i've help her and her career so much or am i wrong for wanting to give up? she finally has told me that she would like for me to try to not talk about it for one day so im going to try tomorrow but i feel that shes already made up her mind. am i wrong for not wanting to try anymore cause im not getting any feed back from her? my father cheated on my mother all of her life and i was the one who's shoulder she cryed on but she never left him cause of us her kids she always told me if it ever happened to me to not forgive that person and even my father has told me once a cheater always a cheater even though i know women cheat for other reason's than men. still doesn't mean it dont hurt. funny that life's experiance is telling me to move on but my heart is saying stay and fix it. so sorry for the rambling and i know its only been a week since i found out but what if i didnt find out till later about the cheating and why didnt she think of the kids or me before doing what she did? i swore to her that i would never cheat on her cause of what my mother went threw and she said she would never cheat either yet here i am now she says she'll never do it again not to mention she lied to me about where he worked so what do i do any suggestion would be great. im at my witts end and im real close to giving up!!

Wow, Saenz...what a post! Welcome to MarriageBuilders...looks like you haven't decided what you want to do...save or destroy your marriage...either way, best place to be.

You're in a lot of pain. Your honesty level is really high and I applaud you for being here, pouring it out and seeking help. Couple of requests...paragraphs. When I read your post my mind ran like ink. This is just a courtesy, not an attack. Know that you're in pain and want to be out of pain. I remember. Many of us do. Just that to get to what you are experiencing, where you've been and give you hope for where you're going...well, without paragraphs, that's difficult.

Have you read the articles here on MB? Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), The Love Bank, Recovering from Infidelity?

Read all you can find, and read about Plan A...it is how to bust up an affair and save your marriage. I'm inserting abbreviations to help you decipher some of the code we use here. There is a whole abbreviation list at the top of this forum you've posted in which may help you as a reference.

When you began your post, you already stumbled over some ENs..." i had never payed any attention to her like listening to her, helping w/ the kids"

These needs are attention, respect (maybe conversation) and Domestic Support. With kids that age, you are experiencing a very different family life than you expected. I'm not bashing you in any way. Know you are in a tough time even without the Emotional Affair (EA).

I'm really glad you're here. You can breathe, focus and truly save your marriage.

You quickly got to owning a part of the state of the marriage...the way you were raised...expectations...and how you began to change those in yourself. Good job. Seems like you have an instinct for relationships, really.

Also note that you create resentments...she doesn't do that to you. When you did not feel appreciated for your efforts, you chose to resent her for not meeting your expectations. Great to know so soon.

She has created resentments she holds over you, also. Two way street. Clearing these out in yourself, and committing to not making new ones in you goes a long way to save the marriage and create a thriving one in its place.

"like how do i know its over?" When you choose for it to be over.

Though your instincts are good, it is dangerous to live by them only. Kind of like bread. Read up on Plan A and get to know what you need to be doing right now to save your marriage. Do it tonight for this weekend. No relationship talk, a lot of meeting her needs, showing her your love actively...no begging/pleading...you can't control her or sway her...and if your begging/pleading "worked", afterwards, you wouldn't trust her because you would believe she chose you and the marriage, but that you "made" her do it.

As for listening...try this. Listen and repeat.

"You make me feel worthless."

"I hear you believe I can make you feel worthless."

"I love that car! Isn't it pretty?"
"I hear you love that kind of car. Is it the color or the style?"

See, you aren't putting your words over hers. You're hearing her and repeating so she knows she is heard. No judgment on anything she says. You focused on hearing her words.

Begin using "I feel" and "I believe" statements. She cannot make you mad, sad, happy or anything else. No human can make another human feel, think or believe anything they don't choose to do. Acknowleding this truth is what we call respect in marriage. Clear your mind of the old pattern and begin this one. Re-read the first statement I put above. See how when I repeated, I put my truth in there?

If you hold hands, tell your truth. "I feel connected to you when we touch."

"I love your face."

Whatever your truth is, own it outloud. Not, "You're beautiful" because that isn't your truth. Can't be. "I believe you're beautiful." Or "You look beautiful to me."

"i dont think i should be the one to being doing it all!!: If you won't, who will? Be careful of allowing yourself these beliefs if you want to be able someday to say, "I did all I could to save my marriage." You won't be able to say that thinking this way.

That's where you create new resentments...and resentment is a killer.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You're smarter than that.

Definitely read The Love Bank first. Her saying that her well has dried up is right in there. Explains love and if you choose, can give you the perspective that love is never dead...can be replenished and enhanced.

"I hear you believe your well of love has gone dry for me."

See how then the pain you would have experienced had you said to her and yourself, "You don't love me anymore" isn't there? See how it is closer to reality? Her truth doesn't mean that is your truth. You can choose to believe her well can be refilled and believe her love for you through it.

"but she never left him cause of us her kids" Your mother told you her truth, but not THE truth. She choose not to leave him because of her fears and the kids. Kids grow up. She stayed on after, correct?

And she was right...you don't forgive your WW for cheating until she owns what she did and ASKS you to forgive her. If you do it before that, you aren't forgiving anyone...you're trying to escape pain. Doesn't work. Creates more.

My father cheated on both his wives...he doesn't anymore.

I was a serial cheater. I'm not and won't be again.

To get there, I had to get to why I chose to cheat. What the payoff was, and why I gave myself permission. No one could do this for me.

You already nailed why you're torn...your FOO (family of origin) taught you one thing and life is teaching you another. Tough choice. I'd go with your heart here. You have a belief that what happened with your dad doesn't have to happen with you. You can choose differently than your mother did. And that doesn't mean just between two absolutes...stuff it down or leave.

There's a thousand choices in between. You know that as an adult. Sounds like you came here to find all those choices and choose wisely.

LA

saenz,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! Not a great place in life to find yourself but the VERY best place for you, considering the circumstances. You'll find lots of support, advice and comfort here. Take a deep breath, settle down and make yourself at home.

Start by reading all parts of this site, from the home page all the way through. The more you understand about affairs and marraige, the easier it will be for you to deal with the things that are happening. I know right now you have that kicked-in-the-stomach feeling and want a magic recipe to make everything ok again. We don't have that recipe but you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

A couple of things first, before you settle down reading. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Don't ask her to move out IF you are planning on saving your marriage. I know you aren't sure right now exactly WHAT you want and that's not unusual. Nor SHOULD you make any big decisions like that right now. I think you do still love your W (wife) and you'd like to have a better marriage. Don't ask her to leave,,nor should YOU leave. You are going to read all about Plan A. Plan A and working on saving your marriage are MUCH easier to do if you are still living together.

Also, don't tell her HOW you discover she is still in contact with the OM (other man). Whether it be by computer keylogger, cell phone bills, etc,, just let her know you KNOW contact continnues without giving up your source of information. When you tell her HOW you know, you lose that method and they'll simply resort to other means.

Do NOT blame yourself for her choice to have an affair. It's NOT because the house is too small or ugly, or cause you didn't help enough around the house or that you expected her to wait on you. She may have had legitimate complaints and SHOULD have discussed them with you. It does NOT justify having an affair. That was her poor choice. You have have been partially responsible for the deterioration of the marriage but an affair was not a solution.

saenz, keep reading. Keep posting with any questions and with updates. You're not alone......

thanks for the feed back however i'm having one of those day's again where i want her gone. it started last night i didn't want W to sleep w/ me in same bed i felt odd knowing she was sleeping there and she seemed as if though she has no care in the world and sleeping good.while i'm restless!

nerlycrzy: you said that i shouldn't let her know how i found out. good advise but i have already told her how i found out w/ out even thinking that she would try to contact him in a diffenrt form i hope not cause then that would be a deal breaker.

i also asked her to go on this forum and to read what people are saying on both ends of a EA but she only went on for around 5 mins. but now i'm afraid shes going to see i'm posting on here & shes going to get upset that i'm telling our story cause god know she didnt even want her parents or anyone else to know about it & the only thing that makes me feel alittle better is to tal about it to just about anyone who will listen and she is mad @ me 4 that.

do you guys think i should close out this account and re-open it, not using my last name or so you belive she might benifit from reading what i'm posting?

i've looked around the site regaurding plan a & plan b but im yet to find out what they really are can anyone point me in the right direction?

My suggestions........

Create a new email address through hotmail or yahoo. Use that address to reregister on MB with a new member name.

Start a new post on General Questions II forum stating you're a new member seeking help, and retelling your story. General Questions is a busier forum, lots of veterans.

As to having already told her about your methods of discovery? Well, there's lots more! Just don't let her know HOW you discover anything more.

"shes going to get upset that i'm telling our story cause god know she didnt even want her parents or anyone else to know about it "

You don't know yet about EXPOSURE, an excellent tool for ending the affair. You'll get all the info on that in future posts!

Here's a link to What is Plan A and Plan B?

There's lots more help on Plan A & B on the forums.

shes gone i've posted some details on the gen II area!!!!

Loving Anyway -
OMG - thanks for that awesome post. It is just after midnight here and I have just had my sleeping tab to try and get more than 2hrs sleep (which has been the way of it for the last 2 weeks since my husband said he wantted to leave cause he was depressed, and then D-Day last Thursday.

I know I am too emotional in front of him when he is here. I am going to try SO hard this weekend with all u have written. gonna print it out in the morning and learn it by heart.

Hoping that his weekened here iwth the kids (i am off on a business trip to New Zealand - we live in oz) and he is home with the kids (he has been staying with HER every 2nd night) hoping that the weekend will show hime what he is missing wth the kids, without me being her being emotional.

Then Tues is the MC, then Wed is the pshcy for his depression and also our sons 4ht birthday so we're all going to the easter show(fair). Going to GO GO GO with all your ideas there. Thats the perfect day for it!

THANKYOU FOR MAKING MY NIGHT A BIT BETTER

Justine
juzzie@mail2dancer.com

good luck juzzie!!!!!