I'm having a hard time with resentment lately. I am 99.9% sure there is no contact with OW. (of course back in the day I would have said 100%, but those days are long gone).

I still run things over in my mind multiple times a day, and catch myself looking at him at times thinking...'why the ****** did you DO this to us, why didn't you just TELL ME you weren't happy with the way things were?'..well, I didn't think he noticed these moments until one evening last week he said...'Don't you think I know what you're thinking when you look at me sometimes?'...

I don't know, I'm just afraid that things will never be the same..well, I know things will never be the same, I guess I'm afraid they'll never get better...

They do get better. Yeah resentment is hard- I feel it lots and lots of days myself, okay most days maybe all days.

Tonight in the car after a nice dinner for 2, I looked at him and thought "why did you F someone else? what was wrong with 'us' that you had to do that?" Makes no sense but out of the blue, I thought it.

I think the times I feel this way are fewer and farther apart.

I know it is much less than it was 6 months ago.

hang in there. you two are going to make it.

It's only been 3 months since D-Day?

We've been in Recovery close to 3 years and are just getting to just about normal without me thinking about the affair...

Did your H do a NC letter?

Is he taking extraordinary precautions?

Is his life an open book?

These things will make you feel more secure.

TIME AND PATIENCE.

It's much much too early for you to forget...the pain lasts a long, long while.

Thanks for the encouragement MF...I guess I sometimes need reassurance that I'm not unusual in thinking about it/resenting what he did so much...

mimi...yes, only 3 months since D-day...seems like these months have lasted a lifetime already though. He has done everything I asked..quit his job (she was a co-worker), finally sent a No Contact letter after she contacted him when she heard he was quitting his job, he supported me when I called her employer about her using the company phone to try to contact him (he didn't answer when she called that time and told me about it). His life really is an open book as I have access to all bank records, cell phone bills, credit card statements etc., calls me multiple times a day..of course I can't be with him 24/7, but I'm slowly starting to believe that he's sincere in wanting to put this behind us and move on..

I have a hard time with the time and patience thing I guess...and I'm already dreading next Christmas when I know I'm going to be triggering all over the damn place...I just wish he would have been stronger, I always respected his ethics and honesty and had that thrown back in my face in a BIG way...sometimes when I look at him all I can see is the weak and dishonest man he was for those 3 months...I have to keep telling myself these feeling won't last forever...

My Dday was 10 days before you and I have been noticing the same thing. At first I was grateful that his distance and weirdness over the years yes years of guilt had an explanation. I had thought for years he was falling out of love with me. Dont get me wrong we had many many good times but deep down I knew things werent "right". Then I felt sorry for myself REAL sorry. Boohoo I was such a good mommy. NOw I am pi$$ed. How could he how dare he etc. I dont know how long this is going to take it feels like forever. I have never been depressed sometimes I think I may just be now. I hate whathe did.

He too has made every effort to make it up to me and has sworn he will do so until I am ok. He is a good man Iknow I need to forgive him but I just cant get past it most days to have a "normal" day. I hear from everyone here it will come. I may have to wait years but what am I going to do? I love him with all my heart and have 4 kids with him. He is my whole life but still I resent so much that he made this horrible decision to betray me and shame our mariage.

I try to get most of it out on the boards instead of on him I know he is hurting too. Good Luck we are all pulling for each other here.
HF
M

I feel the same way! I found out 10/20/05. And it still hurts so bad!

I don't know how much longer we are going to last together. I look at him and I just hate him. The same way you feel, the same questions you have.

The HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO US?

I just have so many things running through my mind, so may questions.

I hope you can work things out.

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. And I don't Know if I can forgive. The thoughts just take over.

But know there are others that feel as you do.

Hugs

What if...

You resent because they did this to you...when they didn't. It wasn't about you. You resent because you believe it should have been?

If you hate what they did and choose to hate them?

If your part of trust, which is half, is a choice you resent in yourself for not making?

Wouldn't all those resentments you create in yourself cover over the forgiveness patiently waiting...for yourself?

We created our spouses...limited them to what the would or would not do...we did that. We're human. It is how we see the world.

They were themselves the whole time...making their own choices, as we make ours. Our expectations of them cause our resentments...not who they are.

Until we own our part, our choices...we are left in our own resentments, looking outward to someone else to take away what only we have the power to remove.

LA

LA
Thanks for your post. I often think of things you said to me early on in my recovery. You helped me to calm down a lot. I am trying to be a "big girl" but it hurts so much sometimes.

FWH says to me all the time. It wasnt about you. I just DO NOT get that??? He promised me. Thats sounds whiny I know but I trusted him and he turned his back on me in the worst way. I understand what he did was not because he didnt love me but to make himself feel special etc but I still dont see how he could walk into that hotel room without knowing he is half of us not just himself.

And our kids too. I had always said 1 strike you are out. It seems like he chose himself rather than us.

I realize a big part of my pain is self inflicted. Thinking how I never thought we would be this couple. How we were too in love to have infidelity touch our lives etc. I just dont know how to get to forgiving him. Its hard for me to change who I saw myself as a cherished wife in a fabulously loving relationship with someone who would never hurt me. Is all this self pity? I have a right to some of this anger and resentmaent dont I?

Anyway I hope all is well.
HF

((This_Hurts))

I have to admit, I don't like it when I see you around here (I mean that in a good way). Since our WH's A's seemed so similar, I wanted to believe that for you two, this was just going to be a little speed bump.

But I am glad that you know where to come when you are having these bad feelings.

It all just pretty much stinks doesn't it?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jean..yes it stinks A LOT...I don't know about the 'speed bump' thing, but I do think he is at least trying hard...

One good development is that he actually suggested that we go to church this morning...note that he had been avoiding and dissing Church like the plague for the last 6 months..hmmm..I do know why now...

I just felt like it was a big deal that he actually WANTED to go today...if anyone can keep him on the right track it's God I believe...I'm hoping this means he is for real...we'll see...

That does sound good.

Just curious, do your kids know about the situation? If so, how are they handling it?

Hi This_Hurts. Just wanted to say I'm cheering for you. Keep up the good work, and it will get better.

As far as I know the kids don't know...but of course there have been LOTS of 'talks' when they were in the house, sleeping or whatever, and I know kids are more perceptive than we think...Also, my D had mentioned that dad would get bored while I was working my second job and was on the phone a lot to 'Uncle Jeff' at that time. I did tell H about this btw.

I just thought it would do more harm than good (to them) to involve them in what was going on.....I did ask H at one point if he had ever thought about what his kids would think if they had known what he was doing and he said yes he had, and it wasn't a pretty thought...
<<edited to add>>...so why didn't you stop [censored]????

Another thing that has been haunting me lately is something I think I read here on this board not long ago about 'once the initial fight reflex kicks in and you 'win' your WS from the OP, you realize you don't want to be with a cheater after all'....It worry's me that my resentment lately is this 'realizing I don't want to be married to a cheating liar after all'...

Ok...Time and Patience...I can do that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

thishurts - just read your thread - you're feeling the same way I am - very resentful and wondering if you really want to be with them anyway - at least your H sounds like he is very remorseful and has done a lot to reassure you (he quit his job? - that's a lot). My W has done some things - calls me more etc., but not really much - won't change churches.

Anyway, I hope these people are right and this changes over time for both of us, but right now I don't want to be in the same house with her - and I can't act like that because that's not what I need to do to have any chance of saving my marriage - if I even want to.

I actually feel worse now than I did on dday and I am not sure why. It could be as you mention - you win them back and then don't want them.

Thanks.

I feel exactly the same way.
And I also feel he's not doing all that much.

I keep reading the boards... but the question "Why do I need/ want/ should save my marriage???" is poping to my mind more often each day. And reasons keep more dificult to find.

Anyway I am still trying to find if my H is ja serial cheater, so I really don't what I am REALLY dealing with here.
So far it points that way... and radical honesty is still a goal, can't wait much longer on that one.

Wish you all the best luck.
Willow

lost_willow - does he try to blame you for what he has done? or at least for making him vulnerable? My W has not blamed me, but she made a comment just last week about how easy it had been to happen - real nice thing to say, don't you think?

she doesn't even show much remorse - that's just sort of how she is, though, she is never wrong about anything. she did break down one time about this - 3 weeks after dday when I caught her calling OM again - that was 6 weeks ago and she hasn't cried since. I think the only reason she broke down that time is she was truly worried I was about to D her - and I was.

Part of this is that she doesn't see an EA as an A. No one agrees with her on that, but she doesn't care.

the sad thing is that it has totally changed the way I see her. I used to see her as one of the most moral, good people I have ever known. I used to honestly feel that she would never have an A because she is (or was) a very guilty person - I don't feel that way any longer. the innocence is gone and will never be back.

of course, I am not innocent either - I admittedly did not treat her the way she deserved to be treated for 15 years. I didn't meet her needs. Of course, she didn't meet mine either which led me to act how I did and it turned into a habit. She never bothered to tell me clearly, however, or at least I didn't get it.

I will say, however, that you do have reasons to try and they are the same reasons I have: kids. My parents divorced about 33 years ago (I am 41) - and it still presents problems to this day (logistical, holidays etc.) - it never ends.

That is why we both need to hang in there and keep trying. Time has to make it better - don't see how it could be worse.

{{the sad thing is that it has totally changed the way I see her. I used to see her as one of the most moral, good people I have ever known. I used to honestly feel that she would never have an A because she is (or was) a very guilty person - I don't feel that way any longer. the innocence is gone and will never be back.}}

I find this sad too 19...I'll never trust my H in the same blind way I did before, not ever...makes him sad to know this too, but it's a consequence of his choices...

Actually, once or twice in the last week or so, I found myself feeling..content I guess...I almost felt comfortable in my life again like I haven't since D-day...I really did forget what it felt like even though it's only been a few months...once I realized I was feeling that though, I found myself afraid to let the guard off of my feelings and went back to the obsessive mistrust, etc...I hope someday I can find that comfort zone in my life again and be ok with it....that day isn't today though, I'm told that it gets better in time and I have to believe it will..

I believe you and your WW have a chance to get your marriage back, but that will only happen once contact with the OM is brought down to Nil...and you take the precautions needed to prevent a repeat of this EA, or another...(exposure to his W), meeting EACH OTHERS EN's, etc...it's not hopeless and it's hard, but all we can do is try...Good Luck and God Bless

It is sad - do you ever think that maybe you were part of it? I guess what I mean is whether my actions and treatment of my W for 15 years have worn her down and caused her to lose her moral compass? She seems to think all he problems are my fault - she doesn't acknowledge everything else that happened over the past 15 years - 3 kids, 3 houses etc. - a lot of general stress.

I may trust her again, but I'll never totally believe her again.

You may be right about exposure, contact etc. Seems everyone on this board thinks I need to do it. Actually, I don't think I have ever seen a post that says I shouldn't. I guess that should tell me something.

I do know that every Sunday is especially bad for me - have to worry about seeing OM and worry about W seeing him. Hate to think of her going to church by herself so I can't skip (so I can't go out of town...). I am not sure I will ever be able to get over this without telling OM's W.

Thanks.

19, I totally take responsiblity for my part in allowing our marriage to get to the point where H felt the need to go elsewhere to get his EN's met...we didn't have a 'bad' marriage...just an 'ok' one and after D-day and reading His Needs Her Needs together, we both realized we had gotten lazy about keeping the love alive in the relationship...

I don't agree that anything you did caused her to 'lose her moral compass'...it's not up to us to keep that compass straight, that's all the WS' responsiblity in my opinion. Things can and do get bad in all marriages, doesn't give anyone the right to break their marriage vows. Like I told my H, I know there are things that I did wrong and I own my part of that...His actions and his decision to get into a relationship with this OW was ALL his..

{{I do know that every Sunday is especially bad for me - have to worry about seeing OM and worry about W seeing him.}}

This is exactly why everyone is telling you that there can be NO Contact...if you are thinking about seeing OM days before it happens, know that your WW is anticipating it too...

Have you talked to her about changing churches or at least attending at a time that you know OM won't be there? If she fights you on that point, I think that will tell you A LOT about where her head is...My H knew that as long as he saw the OW at all, that our marriage had no chance of making it... he only had to see her once every couple of weeks and she lives 3 hours away...he insisted it didn't affect him to see her at all (no I don't believe that)...but he knew how much it affected me and that we wouldn't be able to truly recover until she was out of the picture completely...

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? It's an invaluable resource for both the WS and the BS in my opinion...it really opened both of our eyes to the fact that it's not one persons responsiblity to keep a marriage healthy...I think your W needs to realize that it takes two to make a marriage work...

I hope you're still thinking about exposing to OM's wife, and I hope you decide to do it...she has the right to know