Also...get legal aid to help now. Please. Make sure he is shown as to have legally abandoned his family....and is entrenched in an immoral affair. Be sure to get CS and wages garnished if you have to.

does yoru state have "alienation of affection" on the books? If so, SUE THE OW...she owes your kids too! She willingly participated knowing he was married. What a complete loser she is.

What gets me is this....IN TEXAS HAS FEELINGS...SHE HAS OPINIONS...SHE DESERVES HIM TO KNOW THEM! it is NOT ABOUT HER WH...AT THIS POINT IT'S ABOUT HER AND THE KIDS! THAT IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT!!!!

This crazed ws thinks he has to have somebody "there" for him at all times? I heard the same thing. I asked my xh shortly after ow shacked up with him "why can't you just be like me? if you so wanted to be divorced, then why can't you just live alone? why can't you just be alone until it's final? " Darth told me "aw honey...You know I don't like to be alone." his exact words.

They want somebody to cater to them. Take care of THEIR NEEDS...IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM.

How about YOU handing the infidel a paper stating what INTEXAS REQUIRES OF HIM...WHAT SHE WANTS IN A GUY.

Here'd be mine to darth:
1)to date me for a while...show me how you find me irreplacable and infinitely valuable to you...court me again like you've never courted a woman before.
2)go to IC and couples' counseling.
3)show me OVER TIME a COMPLETELY REPENTANT HEART.
4)be prepared to live a totally transparent life for the next three mos living alone in a glass house for ME...MY NEEDS ARE TO SEE YOU'RE WALKING THE WALK...NOT JUST TALKING IT.
5)You end totally with OP...you toss her out..write letter...and admit openly that you were wrong.
6)you be able to handle MY mood swings...the ups/downs/sadness/joy that I HAVE NOW AS A RESULT OF BEING BETRAYED AS A WIFE.

That's what I'd hand to darth if I ever changed MY MIND AGAIN....as the future lies with MY DECISIONS NOW.

God bless you and your adorable boys! I think you are a great success story--not just for MB but for women in general. It is empowering to know that you can make it all on your own--well, you and God. And He's as a reliable a partner as you can get.

Is your Dad close by, or a brother maybe? Give your boys a male role model from your family, if you can. Maybe that will ease the blow for them--to be able to have a supportive male in their lives that they can DEPEND on. They don't deserve the way their pathetic excuse for a father has treated them.

I predict that your WH's A will fizzle and die--the way that they all seem to--and that he will come crawling back. It's too bad (for him) that he may have burned his bridges. This sad chapter in his life will be his greatest regret. I really do feel sorry for him.

-CSJ

Well, Peach I gave him a list. He said he didn't feel he should have conditiond and I needed to meet him halfway.

I am done with lists and plans and know this is the end of the road. When he first left, I didn't know about OW in context. This time (even though I guess he wasn't home in body--but was promising to work on it--to never hurt me again)he actually looked me in the eye and verbally made a choice to leave me, the marriage, and our boys.

He called last night upset about the phonecall to OW's ex-H. I guess I made some waves in the infidel's relationship. He was angry with me, but said he believed me. No reason to lie.

He called today to talk to the boys. Little man #2 handed me the phone, and WH said he was really mad about the phonecall, but understood why I did it-and that it is really putting a strain on "them" because SHE's pretty hurt after what he put her through this weekend.

I simply said--goodbye, WH. And hung up.

I still haven't cried.

I went to the lawyer today and guess what? He had been to his lawyer before coming to me Friday night to start this short lived attempt of his. He was there to go over the decree his lawyer had drawn up. My lawyer said she will get it Thursday. It's a matter of me signing. She is saying by the end of the month.

For anyone who has been there at that point, after fighting a good fight--what does that moment feel like? Look like? I want to be prepared. I have mourned the loss of my H for many months, but I still feel this will be a hard day.

And CSJ-I feel sorry for WH,too. I tried to protect him from this road. He chose it. The fall will be hard. But the only thing I can sayis that when he finally has no where else to go, at least he may finally see the light again. It won't ever look the same or be what it was supposed to be--but it will be light again. God's just like that. And I am so glad He is.

I have no family here in Texas, but I have good friends. I am sure some friend's will help with the male influence. My old pastor has three boys himself, and has already watched and played with my oldest a little as his youngest is Ben's age.

We'll be okay. Thanks everyone.

I think I'd probably feel the same way if I were you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But even so....I think I'd still go ahead and do Plan B. The goal need not be to get your husband back. The goal can be as simple as letting him know that if he ever manages to extricate his head from his hindquarters...maybe you'll be available to discuss the situation with him. After that, Plan B can be all about you and getting some peace in your life.

I think it's a shame that so often people wait to implement Plan B until they're completely 'out of gas'. I've noticed so many threads here where the BS initially has a hard time in Plan B. But after an adjustment period, quite a few go on to report improvement in their overall outlook. Life is better in general once they've removed themselves from the conflict.

I think there are quite a few aspects of Plan B that make doing it completely worthwhile. But one that we tend to overlook while marriagebuilding is this.... You have an opportunity to establish post-divorce boundaries.

If it was me, I know that I wouldn't want an ex-husband in my business EVER. I would want him to stay completely out of my life. The fact that I'd have to tolerate his presence on the periphery while he interacts with the children would be bad enough....but he would NOT be welcome to interact with ME. I've got enough "friends", thank you. And they don't tend to screw me over like that.

To be honest...I think your WH's affair would fold like a house of cards if you implemented a good dark Plan B on him. Whatever you might decide to do after that is up to you.

In hindsight of the last few days, it looks to me like he has used your presence in his life to energize his affair with OW. And it looks like OW used a similar technique on him by involving her ex-husband.

When the excitement of the affair begins to wane and the affair partners are having a tough time meeting each other's ENs, they seem to have a tendancy to implement a false recovery. Now, I don't think there's likely to be any premeditation in it. That's more strategizing than most WS's are capable of. But, the affair is fed nonetheless by the threat that it might end. If the affair partners are able to involve others, they can then band together again in 'Us Against The World' mode.

Removing his ability to use you like that by going to Plan B leaves him stuck working it out for himself. And we all know the WS track record on 'working it out'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I see this as an example of how you're unwittingly providing drama to the affair. Of course you checked his story. Who wouldn't? He was begging you for a chance to come home at the time. So, I don't think you were wrong to do it.

That said, it might be a mistake to allow him to draw you in like that again. He's a stubborn boy. He'll need to hit rock bottom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He's used threats of suicide to influence you in the past, right? If memory serves, that's why you were hesitant to go to Plan B before. (????)

If so, I hope you realize that you can't make anybody else's choices for them. If he pulls that number on you again....ask him if he's serious. If he says 'yes', all you can do is call 911 and let the police handle it.

Your only alternative to that is to live your life as a hostage to whatever your WH might (or might not) do.




Have you made any provisions in settlement so that you'd be able to move if you wanted to? Like you, I have no family nearby. That would bug me if I were divorced. I'd want to go home, I think.

You know, I seem to recall another good reason to Plan B that I read in Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving the Affair." In the event that the marriage doesn't recover, a Plan B is meant to make sure you have no love left for your WS. He stated it much more elegantly than I, and I wish I had his book closeby so I could quote it directly. But that might be the most valuable aspect to a Plan B right now. For my own part, I thought the most painful part of a divorce would be feeling like I wasn't ready for it--it was pushed on me because of my WH's A, but I still loved my H and didn't want the M to end. But when I read about Plan B, it all made sense. Plan B is supposed to help with that part--it's supposed to kill the love so that you are ready for divorce. It's supposed to help you insulate that "safe place" you've made for yourself and your boys.

I think you should try it--you deserve a break from the hurt that comes from communication with him.

You go, girl!

-CSJ

Thanks you two for commenting on my sitch still. I wanted to explain my feelings about plan B in relation to me--and why I am not gonna do it.

First off, I am not trying to get my H back anymore. When he first left, as I have said, i didn't know it was for the affair. I have learned differently now. Once I discovered it, I knew I could get past it--but have I approached the WHOLE thing from a different perspective. (This might be a long post, but it truly helps me to get my thoughts out on here).

The night he left back in August after the boys were asleep, I cried and cried. I kept asking God what was happening. Was I really that bad to him? Would he really leave because I wouldn't kiss him enough? The next day he came by, and left screaming at me "screw you and screw our marriage." He was so angry, and I still wasn't understanding why. But as i was laying there, crying my eyes out and holding my belly because I was crying so hard I was afraid I would hurt the baby--this thought came to my mind that this was a spiritual battle WH was in. A dear friend called at that moment and we talked and prayed.
And then I was reminded of the tribe of Judah being the first tribe sent out in battle--the tribe of worship.

I began to listen to praise songs and focus on the Lord and His desire to protect me and the fact that He loved WH just as much as He loved me. There were and still are so many nights when I simply cannot get the words out to pray for WH, because my mind is going over the what-ifs and details. I am focusing on my hurts more than the character of God. So during those times, I either read psalms aloud (usually in the tub!) or put on praise music. Worship. Praise. THe first weapon in battle.

Another weapon in battle for me was MB. We all know this pace is a Godsend. The support, plans, advice, prayers, hugs--all needed. They not only ground us, but leave us with the knowledge that we did try to salvage this. Important for me especially has been the fact that I just didn't give up, as scriptually I have had the right to.

It is so important to remember when it seems we can't stand our WH's--that God loves them. That the promises we cling to in these horrible times are the sames ones our WS's can cling to again if they just repent. So while I wanted my marriage to work and never had thought it would fail, I wanted more my WH to be able to feel the same peace I was feeling and to cling to the same promises again. I would spend many nights worried about the pain he was feeling being separated from the only one who can fulfill us and complete us.

From that point on I have viewed my WH simply as a child of God sinning and running away from the truth. This was a battle. So many times I would start to think of how horrible this was to do to me and the boys (view all my pity-party posts--there are LOTS of them--even recently.) And I still feel like it was the biggest kick in the gut of my life. But I know that more important than our marriage being reconciled is WH going back to God.

I guess I am saying that I viewed Wh's relationship with God as more important than his relatioship with me. I have been able to see him as a wayward son and as a wayward husband. The latter being important to God, but the first being imperative. Seeing it this way allowed me to understand early on in this that my marriage might fail, no matter what I did. Talking to so many posters here, I was reminded that WH makes his own choices. He owns them. THis fact was essential for me to move on in this battle, as I got stuck in the rut of "God can fix anything" for awhile. That mentality (while true as long as we add the tag line "as long as we submit to Him) I think gets many a poster here stuck in the doormat role forever. I think it brings on many, many false recoveries and outright abuse.

Because, it should read more God wants to, but gives us our choices, too." Otherwise, there would be no need for MB if God was gonna fix it anyway. That's not the promise, though. The promise os simply that we will always have Him to cling to.

So as for where I am now, I am at a place where I can release WH totally back to God in hopes that one day WH will wake up and see the goodness in life again. Wh can and will be forgiven, but he's gotta wake up first. I want that for him so badly now. I know his heart must be a mess.

But I am free. I know God wants good for me, too. I know that I have fought and tried. I know God understands my hurts and my heart. I can't tell you how many times I have literally felt Him holding my heart in His hands. It's like a song we sing at church-crawling up in His lap and hearing His heartbeat--that's how close I have felt to Him through this.

And I have not really felt this free adnd released from this until after this weekend. And I no longer have the guilt that i struggled with for so long. Yes, I am gonna be sad. My earthly love gave up on me. But just think what that feels like to God--he his hurting doubly--for me and WH. I am sure I will still have nights where I will cry. But I hope I will always stick by and find my true comfort in the one that held me through all of this. He held me before I met WH, during these past 8 months, and he'll continue to do so.

That's how I know I will be alright. I am still somewhat in the drama of it all as I will always be I guess if I have contact with WH. But the boys need me to be at least in a civil spot with him. They need one of us to carry on for them. Wh, in his state, would react to a plan B in super depression mode, lashing back at me and more than likely the boys. Not that I can really protect them from the reality of what WH did, I will do my best for as long as I can to at least stand in his place.

And I know that plan B modified would give me a break from the hurt a little, but really, I hurt so much less than the kind of hurt WH has in store from him. There is no joy taken there. We will no longer have long conversations unless it is about the boys. His words now don't hurt as much as before for some reason. Must be that safe place.

Love you guys!

Yes..it is a spititual battle. Feb. 13 I left my wife and 2 kids because of the pain and guilt of an affair at work(I quit 6 months ago). I came back the next day and grabbed some items and clothes. A few days later I got an apartment near my son's school. I told anyone who would listen I left because of the debt and spending had taken it's toll (1/2 truth). Last Saturday as I left my apt. to go see the OW, I was compelled to take a pocket bible. I was going to spend the night. I arrived and as I entered I felt the Bible in my rear pocket and I removed it and placed it on the counter. As the converstaion began and dinner served...I looked at it. The conversation turned to "what I want" and "why I was there". I stood up and grabbed my cell and P-Bible...I said," let me go.."and I clutched it hard. She let me go. I came home and read some more, I found Psalm 25 open in my Revovery Bible... I then "googled" how do I get my wife back(?) on the pc.

And I found MB...I read it it till 4:40 in the morning. And each day I read 4-6 hours more. I asked my wife last night if I could come over to talk...she reluctantly said ok. I entered the bedroom sat down quietly on the side of the bed and respectfully stated, "I want to come home, I miss my family, And I love you"

She said, "I need to process this...You left your wife and 2 kids...you left divorce info in your den...your kids are numb...I have to process this". I asked her to consider MB. i quietly left. I lwent home and made the call. I have an appt tomorrow with a MB counselor. Yes..it is a spiritual battle. Pray for my wife and chidren. The A will destroy us...it has begun.

agp4L--

I will post on your thread my reply to your post. Glad you found MB.

intexas

intexas,

How r u doing?

Hugz,
L.

Oh, other than being exhausted? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm hanging in there, thanks for asking Orchid. Now that the finality of what is truly gonna happen has set in, I have hit the move on mode full force and I think I need a break already! I am gonna have to be the financial stronghold here on out, and it is overwhelming to think of all that entails.
I have secured financial aid for the certification classes, registered, and started working on my resume and a job ap all in the past two days--that's more than it sounds.

Resumes are hard work. And i also have to write something called my educational philosophy for the application I am filling out for a local district.

And in true oh-woe-is-me mode--All I really want to do is cuddle my kids, play witht he kids, ENJOY the kids, cook real dinners, have nights without a sitter at the house while I work the evenings here at the job--you know, basically everything I don't get to do enough of right now.

But, I know this is a season. This will pass. I will make it.

I am going to a conference this weekend--WOmen of Faith in Houston. Anyone gonna be there? I have not done anything yet for myself, and am so glad i am going--baby is coming too, but they apparently have a nursing mother's room.

As for the Wh drama--there has been none. It is so nice. SO very nice. I have had more trouble sleeping, and I am finding my awake moments reliving this past weekend in my mind--but I guess that is normal. He had told me a lot about the affair this weekend, so I have fresh wounds, so to say. Rejection hurts no matter how long you've been apart. Some of what they did (like going to our new home that is for sale now since we never got to move into after we purchased it cause he left soon afterand sleeping together there)is just not quite sitting well with me. I have a lot of issues here to work through in my mind and heart still.

thanks again for asking bout' me.

I think your strength through all this has been inspiring. I can't imagine that you wouldn't do well in ANYTHING that you set your mind to do, because your attitude is just that positive and uplifting.

You're never afraid to put in the hard work, and yet you manage to keep a certain sweetness in your outlook. It's truly awesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well thank you LJ14. I hope I have that same confidence!

I just returned from the conference. It was much-needed. Elliot came along in the baby sling--imagine 13,000+ women and a handful of babies. I got stopped ALL the time for peeks, and oohs and awws...I loved it! He was perfect.

The conference was good, too. I arrived and instead of having joy (the theme was contagious joy!) I was suddenly bombared with triggers and images of them. I was hurting at a level I hadn't felt before--maybe it was all the women in the arena, maybe it was the music in the background--I think it was simply God telling me it's okay to cry, intexas, it's okay to let me be strong for you, too.

And I was reminded that despite my circumstances--God is still God. His character has not changed. The joy of the Lord is still there.

It has been a week since the final blow of events in this mess, and while I am feeling the freshness of the wounds against me, I am in a place of peace and healing. WH has left me alone, hitting affair mode and OW with all his might in an attempt to salvage what he did to her last weekend.

((( InTexas )))

Let me firstly say how in awe of you I am. You are grown so much before our very eyes !!

I have to comment on you taking the baby in a sling. My dd has used a sling (Maya wrap, I think it is called) for all her babies. It has worked out great for her. In fact, her dd who just turned 3, uses her sling as her security blanket. Big time !! she loves that thing to death ~~ Must have it within her sight... (she also has one for her *baby* !!)

So very pleased to see the progress you have made ... Yes, with God this is all possible !!!

Peace, dear.

carnation

Thanks carnation.

I meet with lawyer Wednesday. I will be getting less CS than I thought--only $540/month for three kids. That's not a lot.

Wh just called me, and apparently he has found a new place of peace. He says he has repented for the adultery, and as soon as the divorce is final (two weeks away) he and she will be able to start their relationship anew--one that will be blessed by God he says, because He is the author of love. (This is all from WH's mouth). And since we will no longer be married, it will be okay. And he knows God will look past the sin they committed, forgive them, and will bless thier marriage (they want to get married). They want to live a life, he said, where God leads them.

SO, biblically, where could he be getting this?
I want the LOrd to still use my WH one day. BUT it seems to me that in all my ways of thinking of this (and I am not a bible scholar)--his theory is quite skewed.

Is their biblical basis for any of this?

I know there is forgiveness. I know there is redemption. And I know God can use them both....but together? Wouldn't that union have to be wrong--even after the D?


WH says he is walking closer to GOd than ever. ANd that he ans she will grow together in the Lord. They won't sleep together again until they marry.
HE says God will take this mess and use it for good. That their marriage will be blessed.

This puts a nasty, deep, pit in my belly.


And if I may ask one more question==the kids.

He will start bringing yhem around her as soon as the D is final. He is moving in with her to her place this time. they are young, so they can grow to love her right away he said. That I will be being petty and immature if I have a problem with this. And if I tell them he had an affair--that I will be hurting their relationship (his and the boys) and that is one of the reasons he didn't commit suicide. (He is implying if I tell them he MIGHT).


I guess legally I can't do anything, right? He can take them there and that's it.

intexas,

David repented of his adultrey, and didn't marry Bathsheba until after Uriah's death...but I would hardly say that God blessed that union. The rotten fruit of David's sin is recorded throughout the lives of his family and children. Yes, David was forgiven and God used David, but there was still consequences.

I've read all your posts, hon....and I really do think the world of ya. So I'm not going to harangue you about Plan B after I say THIS:

If you were in Plan B, you wouldn't have heard a word of that!!!

There, I feel better now. How 'bout you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He can babble all he wants. His illicit relationship has no more chance of success than any other. Less even, because he tells so very many lies to himself. What priest or minister told him it was okay to abandon his wife and sons in order to shack up with an OW?

My belief system is a Christian one too, and I believe that God teaches us what He wants us to know. Our souls are perfected by our lessons in life.

I have to wonder that maybe when you throw yourself down, like a soldier on a grenade, your body protecting him from God's lesson....maybe that's doing him a bit of a disservice? I don't know. It's just a thought.

well, I can see how I had done that for so long, but don't think I am anymore. I tell him like it is now. No more protecting. I think I am anyway. Do you see differently in my posts?

I wasn't really hurt tonight from our conversation--it was more like I realized that I have a lot inside that I need to work through. I haven't muddled through the what-ifs of this imperfect world in regards to their relationship. i have to understand that what i see as fair and just might not be what God sees as the same. I have to be content to just give it all to God, without knowing the final outcome of them. And simply trust Him to take care of us all.

Do we ever get the trust thing? Wht do we always need to feel that control?

thank you for posting to me and following my story, LJ14.

To be honest, I think your WH's previous threats of suicide stopped you from working the MB program through to the end. He stopped you from going to Plan B, and in doing that, yeah....you protected him from the consequences of his actions. I honestly don't know what will come of that in the future or how it will affect your healing. But I do recognize that each of us must find our own way. You'll do what you see as best, and because you're a woman of extraordinary fortitude...I think you'll still come out on top. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will tell you though that if my husband had abandoned his family the way yours did, he would NOT feel comfortable to call me on the phone and unburden himself like that. Your WH seems to be wallowing in his own guilt, alleviating it at your expense.

It might sound jaded, but I think it's possible that he's using your own faith against you to some degree. He still wants your support for his fantasy relationship, and if he can clean it up enough for you, maybe he can still get you to buy into it. This may not be by conscious design, he may not have planned to use you this way....but still, it seems obvious to me that he wants your blessing on what is otherwise an unholy union.

I don't believe he's "repented" of anything. If he had, he'd be HOME with his family. Wouldn't you?...if you were walking in his shoes? His reasoning is designed to justify his desire to continue on in his affair, and to leave his guilt behind. IMO, this is twisted logic, a self-serving mindset that allows for the gratification of base desires. There's nothing honorable to be had in it. He can dress a pig in taffeta and pearls....but it's still a pig.

I think my advice to you would be to talk to your pastor about all this. I do think Redemption is possible for anyone who truly wants it. But I also think we have to EARN it. And I don't like to see you sacrifice ANY of your hard-won peace of mind....just to assuage your WH's guilty conscience.

My inclination would be that he really ought to be in God's hands on this issue, just WH and God...working it out together. And I don't think you should have to feel obliged to take it on as your personal responsibility. But see what your pastor says. I think you'll feel better doing that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

intexas..

I so admire you...

Remember this...it is not within God's character for anyone to find happiness at the expense of another..unless that "other" is Jesus Christ.

I have one other thought for you today...

As you "muddle through the what-ifs", consider the story of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. I think everyone has heard this one, but if you spend some time with it....you can see how affairs haven't changed much in the course of time.

Anne was the answer to all Henry's problems, at least in his mind. He had the power and the means, not only to rewrite his marital history with his first wife, Catherine of Aragon....but to re-make his country's entire religious structure in order to fit his own purposes.

The weird thing is that, at least to the degree that he was capable, Henry really did love Catherine. And when REALITY finally invaded his life with Anne, it was a harsh reality indeed. Anne had cost him alot in the end. He was excommunicate from his lifelong beliefs, the religion of his fathers, and probably damned to ****** for all he knew. He had lost a supportive companion in his loss of Catharine. He had lost the unconditional love of his people. (You know, in his early years, Henry had an avid fan base equivalent to that of a modern day 'rock star'. He was athletic, handsome, powerful....he had it goin' on!)

So he had sacrificed all this, and he STILL wasn't getting what he wanted. There was no male heir, his new wife was a 'harpy' in comparison to his last more biddable wife, and she wasn't ALL THAT in the sack once he finally got her there!

Just like today, it was only a matter of a couple of years before the affair-marriage blew up. Henry married Anne in 1533. He had her decapitated in 1536.

I can't tell you what God's plan for Henry was. Only He knows that. But it does seem that Henry's worldly goals were thwarted in the end. His only son didn't live long enough to become the powerful king Henry had envisioned. And his throne was eventually seated by his daughters.

Years of bloodshed in the name of religion followed Henry's choice to mandate religious expression. The Church's power to control a king's will was broken in England, but at great cost of life. Even today, in some parts of the world, the fight between Protestant and Catholic still rages on.