Your hubby is wack-o.

It sounds to me like he isn't trying to convince YOU that his A is blessed by God--he is trying to convince himself. Guilty people do this (therapists call it a "criminal thinking error") all the time to try and justify their behavior and minimize the gravity of what they've done. He truly believes all this nonsense, I'm sure. At least for now.

But don't you. Stay in your safe place, intexas.

You go, girl.

-C.

mrs texas

please excuse me for saying this



he's pulling this outta his own butt

not the Bible

on another board (a fun board where all is silliness) they call this type of person

[censored]

coz their head is so far up their bottom it looks like they are wearing their be-hind as a hat

your H is an [censored] dear

~sorry~

but hopefully that "visual" made you smile, if not laff

Pep

LJ14--thanks for all your input and time spent posting to me. It means a lot.
I have not ever talked to my pastor about any of this. I know that seems silly, but I have counseled with many godly women and my old pastor. I will have to do amore thorough search of adultery in the bible, as well as read some books on divorce and such. I am a reader, and even though I have not even time to breathe much (I post when I am out at work mainly, and when the sitter is on duty from 5-6, or late at night when I should be sleeping) I feel like I need to up my knowledge on all this nasty stuff.

Yup--it's all plain nasty and disgusting.


I really like the wording of this. Really made me think. thank you.

And csj--yep, I am staying safe. I hurt a lot when I start to think of the details, but hurt doesn't mean I'm putting my heart out there to get stepped on again. it just means I am healing.

WH is trying to convince himself. I mean, otherwise, how could he stand what he has done? Like I have always said, I hate what he has done to himself. Yes he hurt me and the boys, but the boys have me. I will make sure they are okay. And I know I'll be okay. Might be bumpy for a while, but I'll be okay. But WH, until he truly repents, he won't. It'll be short-lived this bliss he thinks he has found.

I hope it is okay that I keep posting on here, even if my marriage fighting days are over. I still have questions. I still need feedback. And I still feel like this place has been part of that safe place for me. I have learned so much. So much.

Thank you. It made me more than laugh. I am out at work, and a guest was walking by and asked if I was okay.

That's one mental pic that won't be going away anytime soon.
mrs texas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[censored]...what an awesome name for your stbxh! mine's darth and you'rs is [censored].

and he definitely has his head shoved in his [censored].

as for his threats of having the little ones around his immoral paramour, I'd take this one to da judge.

yep.

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE DOCUMENTED THREATS OF SUICIDE...how stable that environment is for kids huh? and now since he's wanting to become all pseudo religious and marry the mistress so he can have the kids around? what kind of wack job is this man? but the JUDGE WILL LOVE A WACKALOON WS WHO MAKES DEATH THREATS ALL THE TIME...THAT WILL BE GREAT FOR HIS CUSTODY.

just go before the judge dear...have your attorney SHOW JUDGE AND LET JUDGE SEE AND HEAR THE SUICIDE THREATS...and then tell judge/show judge (ARE YOU TAPING THE CALLS? YOU NEED TO MY DEAR...STAY UN DARK AND EGG HIM ON GETTING HIM TO SPEW THE VOMIT FOR THE RECORDER OK?)that he is totally unstable and living with a mistress who divorced her husband only to wreck another family. that should fly well in texas...it would fly well in ga too! and since your wh doesn't have the money my xh does...he should get slapped down nicely.

let the OW PICK UP HIS MENTAL INSTABILITY AND HIS PIECES AFTER THE REAL TRUTH IS SERVED TO HIM ON A SILVER PLATTER.

yea, we'll see how his "ordained by God affair" lasts when some real truth is shed.

just show a bit of light onto the infidels...a bit more. and then stay totally dark....dark dark.

but if you got the goods on him, then go dark now..and present the info to the attorney so judge can laugh at the immoral infidels...he will be amused they actually have and say this crap.

and their being decent and stable enough for the babies to be around? GIMME A BREAK...I AM LAUGHING AT THE MERE THOUGHT.

JUST THE MUSINGS OF STUPID INFIDELS...DAYDREAMING...NOT AN OUNCE OF TRUTH OR REALITY TO THEIR PIPEDREAMS...B/C IN REALITY, IT AIN'T SO PRETTY.

isn't he on meds too for his mental problems?

this is all stuff the judge will eat up...and custody will be settled INSTANTLY.

go dark if you got the goods. if not, get the goods, then go dark. just use it against them in court.

and then LET THE INFIDELS FIGHT OUT THEIR SADNESS/STRESS/PROBLEMS AMONGST THEMSELVES. It's so nice to do that to them. Give them to each other...let them find out the REALITY THAT IS NOW INJECTED INTO THEIR FANTASY...and let them duke it out...cry, wail, scream at one another...and yea, send YOUR BILLS AND LAUNDRY OVER so their fantasy crumbles even faster.

court, bills, laundry, problems, BROKEN STUPID WAYWARD AFFAIR DREAMS, loss of custody (what'd he think? joint? gimme a break), no ROLLER COASTER HIGHS ANYMORE, nobody to JOIN IN A FIGHT AGAINST? they are SURE TO FAIL...CRUMBLE FASTER THAN WHEN REAGAN TORE DOWN THE BERLIN WALL.

So he really doesn't want them to know he had an affair.

Gee, I wonder why.

intexas,

I didn't realize from your responses to my posts that you were right in the middle of this too. It's very admirable of you to be able to give advice. It sounds like you're a little farther down the road on this than I am and I am surely sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any great words for you... just letting you know I'll keep you in my prayers. And may they all get their brains again one day.

Kelley

Well, WH took all 3 boys tonight--he only had the baby for 4 hours, the other two overnight.

My friend came with me to drop them off where he lives. It was the first time he let me see where he (and OW) live. She is not there right now--out of town for Easter.

The friend that came with me is recently divorced--her H left her a week before mine did for another woman, too. (Crazy world. Sad.) So, in celebration of our first night out with no kids (her mom was watching her two) we were gonna go out to eat and just hang out. (I promise there is a point to this story!)

I wore jean capris, a tan tank with a white button down shirt buttoned halfway (cause I had the tank under) and tan low heels and some chunky jewlery. Wh says to me when I get to his place:

Why are you wearing such low cut shirt?
What--you have a date?
You look skanky dressd like that.
How come you never dressed like that when you were with me?
If you had dressed like that, this would not have happened between us.
I'm jealous that soemone else is gonna get you one day.
You look beautiful.
I thought you'd have less confidence after all this.

I said to him:
I am still married, I do not date.
It is not skanky--and I find that insulting.
And that I have more confidence now.


THe thing is--the only difference about how I was dressed now vs. when we were married is the jewlery. My shirt was not low cut at all--I am nursing a baby, so that makes a difference in that area some.

I have to say that I enjoyed feeling confident around WH. My friend said she hated how he looked at me--like he owned me or something. She said I seem much more my own person now--that she always hated how he treated me and controlled me.

It feels good to think he might be jealous.
Really good.

Ha-ha. Keep up the good work. I think it is much more effective to SHOW them you can make it on your own, than to plead with them and be needy.

I think I would get some more "slutty" clothes.

See...you're a nice person. Because if that had been me, I'd have messed with his mind like a cat playing with a bug. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He must be like the VILLAGE IDIOT not to realize that what you wear, where you go, and who you go there with isn't going to be any of his business after the divorce is final here in a few more weeks. Your personal life will be just that...'yours' and 'personal'. (I'd start referring to it as "my love life" too in future conversation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />)

This is just another indicator that he's still living in WS Fantasy Land. That boy has a big surprise in store for him whe REALITY comes home to roost.

This might make me a bad person...but I wish when you told him "I'm still married, I do not date.", that you had tacked on the words "and that makes ONE of us". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Instead of saying "It's not skanky." How about, "Thanks. You know, I'm back on the market soon and I'll be wanting to attract some notice."

And when he said something about your confidence, a simple "why shouldn't I be confident?" would've left him gasping for air and looking like a goldfish out of water. Particularly if you lifted one eyebrow and looked confused like you weren't sure what he was talking about.

The attitude is 'Cest la vie', Intexas. Turn it up a notch. Why not? If it puts a few holes in his fantasy bubble, great...and if not, at least it's FUN FOR YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hehehe LJ14. See, I thought of lots of comments, I just never make them. Also, I really am nervous around him. My friends all say that he controlled me. I guess I didn't see it. My very dear friend says he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me.
I don't know about these things, but I do see the control. Even now--he said that same night--"you're allowed and all, but I still think it's funny that you dress like that now."

I wish my confidence showed more around him--I am not begging or sad or any of that around him--more nervouss and shy.

Picking the boys up today went okay. He again commented on my clothes (again, very skany stuff--baby blue v-neck tee, capris, flip flops and a necklace). Said I looked nice. Said he was sick. And asked me to not trade my car in one day, because as a friend, he thought it was a bad idea.

So, think it's wrong at all to enjoy that I am surprising him? I mean, he has taken everything I thought was my life and thrown it out the window for a ten-year older woman with money. He has been above and beyond rude, mean, heartless, etc--and I have not even yelled--nothing.

I kind of want to tell him the fact that this is MY life now. The whole privacy thing--I like it. But he controls me still with the kids. He is sporadic in getting them. If he knows I have plans, he'll call last minute and say he can't come.

Hey, first time for everything....so why not start? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
If you ask me, it's way past time for Intexas to be whoever she wants to be.


Just the one example of his response to your outfit is enough to sell me on that one. Everything he said to you was designed to make you feel self-conscious, to make you second-guess yourself. His suicide threats, his break-downs....all suit the purpose of keeping control over you. Now, is that intentional or is he just emotionally immature? I don't know. I think it would take a trained therapist who had examined him thoroughly to tell you that.

But either way...it keeps you from doing what you need to do. I think if you'd done Plan B with him or 180's even...you'd have seen him redouble his efforts in broadcasting those controls back over you. I think he'd have responded to either one like his house was on FIRE.

I don't have any more to go on than what you post, but I don't think he could stand the thought of you REALLY being out of his control. That's why he's trying to leave the "friendship" door open. He wants an in-road.

I'll be honest with you, you're going to have to shut him down at some point. If you want him back as a husband, then you're tolerating his fantasy and delaying the process. And if you don't....you're not going to want him up your butt all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
He needs to get 'in his place' one way or the other. Husband or outsider.

By skipping Plan B, he's been allowed to keep his controls over you. What's worse, is that he's kept you from arriving at an emotional place where you're cool with having him out of your personal life. (I know I keep promising not to bring that up any more.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> But this guy hasn't been told to "put up or shut up" yet.)

The fact is that if you divorce and move on, you're not going to want his interference. You're a sweet girl. And some guy is going to come along and NOTICE THAT. You're not going to want your ex-husband hanging around your neck like an albatross when that happens.

So, I won't harrangue you about it...but if Plan B or 180 is too much for you to commit to right now. At least give him a little 'cest la vie'. Give him a taste of "hey, that's life. I'm gettin' on with it. What else can I do?".

He's given you plenty of reasons to doubt yourself. Why not return the favor? If you ask me, that's not un-Christian. Action begets Reaction. It's honest, and consistant with the natural world. It's a moment in life when a lesson is taught, and an opportunity to LEARN is granted.

Tell him straight up, "I don't know what kind of "friends" you thought we were gonna be...but it ain't gonna be like THAT."

you can't make your kids happy if you are unhappy

Well TA, I'm not sure what you mean by that. I am not "unhappy." I am obviously not thrilled with the turn of events in my life over the last 8 months, and am still not "happy" with the way things currrently are involving how I interact with my WH, but my general attitude and view of life is in no way unhappy.

And let me tell you why.

First off, I think it's selfish of me to think that someone else's happiness should depend on my own. Happiness is so relative it's not funny. I shouldn't be happy that my husband left me for another woman. I shouldn't be happy that he was not a good husband to begin with. We don't need to be happy all the time. But I still should have joy. There is a big difference there. And I think that a lot of us (me included sometimes) think we deserve some sort of happiness. But others can't really make us happy. We have to choose (because I think it's a choice) to make the best out of what we have, change what we can, and accept the rest with a joyous attitude. It's all how we choose to look at life.

I hope I am not attacking your comment. It just hit a chord with me because WH started by saying he wasn't happy before he left (a few weeks prior). He said I didn't make him happy. WHO CARES--really, because the world does not revolve around (nor should it ever) one person's happiness. I am not saying we shouldn't treat our spouses with respect or shouldn't do things that we know bring them joy and happiness, (we should--that's part of meeting needs and a giving heart we should all have in marriage) buy my goodness--another's happiness shouldn't dictate such selfish chaos.

And as far as my kids go--despite all the yuckiness of these past eight months--I would still say they are "happy" kids. They are not living the life I wanted for them. I worry that they might be confused about all that has happened, but my unhappiness isn't a starring role here--because I choose to put aside my circumstances and be the best mom I can be. I may cry my eyes out from 1AM on when they are not around me--but I can surely be grown up enough to put their innocent little hearts above my own happiness.

Again, I apologize if I attacked that comment. I may have totally misunderstood you. (I haven't read your other posts yet, so I am not sure why you are here exactly on MB). Like I said, this "happiness" syndrome is just too much for me.

skanky clothes? skanky?

I'd say WHAT YOUR GF DRESSES LIKE THIS?

I am sorrry WH...but I am just simply taking BETTER CARE OF MYSELF now since I WILL BE SINGLE. Bet your darn patootie that somebody will notice me...because I NOTICE MYSELF NOW AND DO NOT IGNORE MYSELF B/C I'M SO BUSY TAKING CARE OF SOMEBODY'S EN'S OTHER THAN MY OWN...but NO, I don't date yet. We can wait at least until the ink's dry on that right?

Intexas, honey, my xh tells me every so often when he and the wistress have a fight, that "you never made me happy peach". What is this with all the WS wanting happiness BUT NEVER GETTING IT?

For such happy people they seem rather unhappy doncha think?

BTW YOUR BABIES ARE SOOOO HANDSOME! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE LITTLE FAMILY YOU HAVE! and the WH is gonna miss out.

You know...you could toss in the mix for good measure something...my xh said once to me this fog statement right before divorce was final, "Peach, I am worried one day I will regret this. Sadly, I fear that I will finally get things only when it's too late & you're remarrying some guy...some guy that's gonna be my son's stepdad...some guy that WILL MAKE ME FEEL THE WAY MY WISTRESS (HE USED HER NAME HERE) MAKES YOU FEEL. I am sorry this happened."

Maybe you could add in, "You know WH, it doesn't matter how I dress b/c I am a lady. I feel good now and I look good now FOR MYSELF and so I can be on top of my game for OUR BOYS...and sadly, when I do date and remarry, the man I will desire (use the word desire b/c it makes wS crazy)WILL WANT TO BE 100 PERCENT THERE FOR NOT ONLY ME BUT FOR OUR PRECIOUS KIDS. AND BTW...YOU HAVEN'T MET MY NEEDS FOR SOME TIME!"

Say that why doncha.

The man needs 2 know that 1)you'll be single 2)he has adorable kids...some guy would be lucky and blessed to find you with those precious little ones! And he'll end up being maybe more of a dad than their bio one if the WS does not straighten up b4 it's too late 3)YOU ARE FINE WITHOUT HIM and 4)You're happy now and feeling for first time in a year awesome! and 5)that you have needs and wants and desires and HE HAS BEEN DEFICIENT IN MEETING YOUR NEEDS.

when you fire truth back to the WS...amongst restating their own words (orchid's trick for reverse babble) they kinda almost get that.

You're doing fine.

I would simply b4 going to plan B, write the letter, include in some statements inbetween the "meat and potatoes" of the plan B letter, that you feel good about you, and he is to keep to himself from now on any comments about your appearance or reputation as despite your fact of being a lady, you are soon to be a single woman. I'd also add in a paragraph saying something like, "I always wanted you to be there for the kids 100 percent...not SOME OTHER GUY...it didn't have to be this way and you know it."

Heck, play on his fears...his depression is imho to me A MANIPULATION PLAIN AND SIMPLE..HE IS NOT SUICIDAL B/C WS LOVE THEMSELVES SOOOO MUCH. They simply do. My xh threatened suicide...imagine pretty boy wanting to do that? It was just manipulation. His own dad threatened it when HIS AFFAIR WAS DISCOVERED BY THE MIL...so it's a common thing apparently. Plus I've learned in med profession that ones who do it rarely let everybody know they wanna do it...just do it spur of moment. Not announce it taking out a verbal billboard all over the place to garnish sympathy.

intexas,
Hi again - I just couldn't agree more with your statements! Happy? Where does the Bible say anything about the pursuit of happiness? What does if I'm happy have to do with ANYTHING? My FWH also used the "I'm just not happy" phrase both last year and about 8 years ago during an EA I found out about much later. Now I know that "I'm not happy" is code language for "I've got feelings for another woman." Explains why he never could pinpoint what he was unhappy ABOUT.

I'm no martyr, and I'm "happy" enough, but I still say what does that have to do with anything? Happy? Happy! Huh?

Our culture focuses way too much on that as a goal, "happiness" is overrated if you ask me. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That's a lot of "nesses", but I don't see happiness in there...

MSA

I agree with everything you said Mrs.S. Everything. For some I think it's an excuse to justify their affair, for others I think it is a way of life--thus it is for my WH.

I realize that saying WH will no longer be appropriate when this finalizes. It was supposed to be all done with, but I disagreed with some matters on the decree, so back to his lawyer they go.

Sometimes I kid myself and actually think he might care for me. Sometimes I miss him. Or miss having someone to share my days with. I am getting a little lonely--though not bored. I haven't the time to get everything done. And I work at a place (live here too) that keeps me around people all the time. But these people come and go--and they are going through horrible medical tragedies while they are here. I just wish I had family here. Friends are great. But they have their own lives. Family is different.

Must be the rain. Maybe I am just due another good cry.

I actually came across our wedding vows today. Our pastor printed them out and gave them to us at the wedding. It was so weird to read them again in light of all that has happened. It all seemed like rubbish. Like words thrown away--and for what?--this personal happiness he deserves.

Okay. I've bummed myself out more reading what I just wrote. I am gonna go remind myself of some of the good things in life--the couch, my pillow, my favorite afghan, a diet coke and pretzels.

Thanks everyone for listening to me rant. Pity parties are no fun if you can't share them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, well, well.

Looks like WH caught OW in bed with her ex at her house. In a strange turn of events, seems like his mustang broke down when he tried to leave. So he was stuck there with him and her. That's a good mental pic for you. I guess Mr. abusive wasn't so abusive. I didn't ask for details. Didn't want to know them.

But the craziest part of it all--he said she was raped--that he got her drunk and took advantage of her. I doubt he really believes this deep down.

Then my friend (the reason I saw him today was b/c my little one turned three today and we had a party) texted me a few times. He asked who it was. I simply said "a friend." Boy was he a'squirmin'. He wouldn't let up and I would not give up any info.

He tried to pull the whole I miss you thing again. Sure--when she gets on the fence herself, he needs me to help him.

It's all a mess. Did I ever say that I used to be low-drama? It's all yuck.

And my head is pounding. If it were not for the kids, I could distance myself more. I wish I could. I'm just tired.

Ha-ha. Yep, he probably believes that her husband got her drunk and raped her right now, but the seed of doubt has been planted. I love it!!!!

Try not to say anything nasty about her. He will just defend her.

Thick as he is...it can't have escaped his attention that he never caught YOU in bed with another man, drunk or not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm with Believer...get yourself some popcorn and refrain from comment. You don't want to present them with a target for their hostilities. It would TOTALLY spoil the show.