I am new to this forum so thank you ahead of time to those of you who take the time to read and then try to help me figure out what we should do.

My husband and I have been married for 28 1/2 years, together 30. We are currently separated (at my request - I moved out) for the 5th time in our marriage. I was 17 when we married and he was 20. We have 3 adult children. During the first 3 years of our marriage my husband was a practicing alcoholic. There was a lot of damage done to our marriage during those years. He was physically abusive to me, put his drinking and friends ahead of his family and would be gone overnight sometimes (at a friends house). He went through treatment and hasn't been physically abusive since then. However, up until about 6 years ago he was crabby and sullen and in a dry drunk most of the time. He was not emotionally available to me or his kids and to this day still is not emotionally available.

During those years, I did some things I am not proud of. I have had more than one affair. They were short term and I think I was looking for that emotional connection that I wasn't feeling at home. I have since realized that I am not going to find the emotional connection I am lookng for through affairs. I hate that part of me. I hate the fact that I cheated and that when he found out it devastated him. I don't like being that kind of person at all. I also don't know how to go about finding ways to get those needs filled within my marriage. I know I have damaged my marriage and my self respect.

Part of me wants to just go through this incredible grief with the hope that some day both of us can go on and find people that we will be able to have the kind of marriage we always wanted with. Part of me feels like I have died when I think about being apart from him. My kids are hurting, my grandson who is old enough to understand a little is hurting. I, of course, am getting the anger from my kids because I am the one who moved out.

There are good things about our marriage. Usually the sex is good, we make good money together and are pretty much on the same page financially, we are best friends, we give each other the space we need to be individuals. The areas I see that we are having the most problem with are things like communication and being able to be emotionally connected.

So, my question is, since we have had two things happen in our marriage that most people would divorce over, should I just accept the fact that this marriage needs to end or is there hope that we can somehow get to a healthy place and have a good marriage?

Have you both tried marriage counseling?

Hi - Yes, a couple of times we have been to marriage counseling. In the last 3 months before I moved out I asked my husband at least 3 times if he wanted to go to counseling and he said it never helped us before. I think it helped, except the last one we went to about 2 years ago didn't help.