Well,

April 1st, 2001.....five years ago today when I found out about my ex's current affair....

He is still going strong...and in fact has married the airhead.

I have to admit, I am still saddened about what has happened to my family. We have moved on...but there is still gaping holes in my life and my kids' lives. Not a day goes by without some feelings of saddness on what could and should have been.

Not for him tho. He has moved to Florida and seems happy to be without us.

I guess I am still trying to recover from the damage...will it ever get better...or is life always going to be empty?

I am feeling a little down tonight...at my son's soccer game today, my friend told me that she and her husband split up last night. They have had some rough times in the last couple of years--but I thought they had made it...they had even had a remarriage ceremony a year ago after their split about the time Jim and I had split up. It saddens me...they have two boys who need their parents together. I hate divorce.

movinoninmo,

Numerous affairs, alchoholic... I think it was for the best that you split. You don't deserve that.

I was thinking while I was in bed this morning that it is going on 2 years since I knew my XW was in love with someone else (again). I still feel sadness about it but I think I always will.

It's two years today that my STBX told me he'd been having an A and was leaving me for the OW...

Must be something about the Spring that does it!

{{{movinoninmo}}}

Alph.

Sounds like an April fools joke.
I remember mine very well, will never forget because it was on my birthday when she told me.

I think it is the saddness that gets to me. I am busy... too busy in fact, I have a great job, I am working on my masters and I am raising 4 great kids. But the divorce affects us still so much. I hate that I still feel devastated at times. I miss our family being together. I hate the financial difficulties and how hard it is for all of us to accomplish what we need to do...like paying for new tires for cars, tuition, living expenses, etc. I hate that we can't go on a vacation. I hate that he is not here to help when the lawn mower broke yesterday, or when my speedometer and rpm thing quit on the way to soccer yesterday. I hate that I don't know how to pay for the new blinds I had to get because of the windows I had to replace-and had to go $15,000 in debt for that. I don't even know how to put the blinds up. I am not very mechanically orientated. I hate that he is not here to help me replant the grass in the back yard--because our grass died in the drought last year. I hate that he is not here to help me replace siding on one side of the house that is rotting and I can't afford to have someone do it.

I miss having him here to help me raise the kids. I hate not having someone to talk over their problems and accomplishments with. I miss my partner. We decided to have this family together....although now his mistress 'wife' is accusing me of having these kids to "entrap" him in a marriage that he never wanted. RIGHT!!! That is why we did it!!! It hurts that he has told her that.

I hate that he writes the kids saying that he didn't divorce them...he only divorced me. No...he divorced all of us....and left me to do everything. He is not even paying his financial obligations to this family.

If I could save one family from going through this...I would. You are right...I didn't deserve to be treated like he treated me....but it amazes me that he continues to slide out ok. I know now how bad he was for me...but my desire for my family is still strong....and those are the feelings I wish would go away. You would think after 5 years I would be further along than this. I never before realized what people went through when they got divorced. I see the devastation in the kids I teach...and I think it is a tragedy what we are doing to the kids of this generation. My kids are fortunate because they have me...but many don't have that stability...and it is affecting them.

Sorry about this ranting....but when will we wake up as a society...and determine how bad divorce is for the majority of families? My heart breaks for my family and for all the kids I have held this year going through this mess.

Pat

Hi Pat.... I understand how you feel.. it isn't so much that you lost your husband or the person that he became it is that you lost your family unit and the life that you had planned out for you and your husband and your children and you have every right to feel that way... But I think there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and you deserve to be happy you need to stop dwelling on the past and move towards the future... I thought you were dating a really nice guy for awhile there... I don't even date yet... but can I tell you - almost divorced four years I am about 10 months behind you - I just went back on my antidepressants and I am starting to feel much better.. I havent' figured out how to let myself trust someone yet or want to be with someone yet... I am still practically the only caregiver for my children - yet I have accepted that that is my ex husbands fault... he is missing out not me...

The one good thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks is that he has broken up with the person next door but of course he has already moved on to someone new - though the one that lived next door and broke up our marriage was his "soulmate" so you know what - no matter how happy they make themselves out to be are they really ever gonna be happy.... but the fact remains you deserve to be happy it is ok to be sad but you need to dwell on the good things not the bad things... we all do.... As for divorce I am with you I wouldnt' wish it on anyone though for some people it is a way of life they get married get divorced and move on within weeks then get divorced again it is a vicious cycle.... sad but true....

Hey maw,

Thank you for the post. I am dating a wonderful man. I couldn't ask for someone better to have stepped into our lives. He is loving and caring and the kids all love him.
I still have some work to do tho on me. He has a family with 6 kids...and that dynamics alone is incredible. And financially...we are both not in a very good position.

He has his own house and is taking care of his mother and his kids every other weekend. He does help me whenever he can...and he is fully supportive of my kids. We have a good relationship...and it seems to work well with both of us. It is interesting because we have been dating for quite awhile now...so people are starting to question where we are going...but I am in no hurry for anything else at this point...and neither is he. I do still have a lot of hurt and issues from my past marriage....and just the day to day trying to get through things is hard.

I look at the dynamics of his kids and my kids...differences in parenting styles, beliefs, etc. We usually do well on this...but marriage...I don't know at this point. It is different than parenting with the partner that helped you create the kids. I really like his kids though...our kids get along pretty well.

I am having trouble getting over this divorce. I am having trouble with my family being broken apart. I hate watching the effect on my boyfriend's kids also. It is sad. Kids need their parents. The financial difficulties are horrendous...it seems like there is just one thing after another. I have to come up with another $2000 for my 2nd daughter's tuition. My oldest just had to take out another loan for hers. I haven't paid my tuition yet either. It just never ends. That coupled with dealing with my ex....makes life so stressful.

I don't know what the solution is. Right now, I am just kind of muddling through. I think I am just overtired. I am getting too old to keep up this pace anymore. You should see my house....it is such a mess...I try not to let that bother me...but it does.

It was good hearing from you. I am glad he broke up with your neighbor. I don't think I could have done as well as you in that situation.

I am off to bed. Thanks again...Pat

{{{Pat}}} My WH left in 12/00, a little before yours, also for a much younger woman (28 years younger in my case). We've had NC for 3 1/2 years, but we're still not divorced. I have a court date for a divorce trial May 1-2, because WH hasn't responded to my offer - made last Fall...

I'm not dating, but I am doing a lot better all the time. Al-Anon has helped me a great deal (I can't remember if you go) to live one day at a time. I really try to avoid focusing on regrets about the past or worries about the future and I work hard to accept what is. Although I'd like to find another, healthier relationship someday, I realize my chances are slim, so I've made an effort to let go of the."what if's" and "if only's" and just live my life in the present. I find that when I read my Al-Anon books and pray and meditate daily, I tend to feel more serenity. I also use the Al-Anon trick of praying for those I resent to have everything they want - hard, but freeing.

You sound as if you have a very full and rewarding life with a job you enjoy, four wonderful kids, a great new relationship, and school, too. Maybe you're too busy? too tired?

Maw, I'm so glad to hear your WH broke up with the woman next door. I never knew how you could stand that! At least you don't have to see his A continuing right under your nose. NC with WH (and MOW, of course) has helped me immensely.

Hi Pat - I actually responded back to you the other day but it never posted... Thank you LetStry for the kind words... frankly I never knew how I could stand it either - though you know she is still there and that does still bother me but at least he isnt' there - so the girls and I are much happier... And Pat I agree with LetStry - you have alot going for you - you have your children you new man - the financial struggles are just that financial and in the grand scheme of things money is not what makes us happy... I try to get by financially every year - I just keep doing what I have to do to get by.... I like the meditate idea I have never done that... but I can tell I am so busy that I cannot even find ten minutes of peace and my therapist told that was because I am not even a blip on my screen - I am at the bottom of my list I need to put myself on top... and as for relationships - well my cousin told me when I am ready he will be there... and well my ex is going to seemingly jump from woman to woman I am one day going to find the love of my life and live happily ever after or at least that is what I hope for...Pat if you ever need to talk you could email me **edit** am a great email pal...

Dear LetSTry and Mimi,

I just wrote a long post back to both of you...and I lost it:(!!

Thank you both for your posts. You are both right...I need to let it go...still hard to do...but am working on it.

LetSTry, I never did join Al Anon....I think it sounds like a great program...but just haven't ever gone. Time is the tough element right now for anything. My athlete-aholic- hurt her knee two weeks ago and she is undergoing therapy...so our schedule should be a little more manageable for the next couple of weeks. I feel horrible she is hurt...but she was doing soccer, track and basketball and that along with my son's schedule and my Master's program was killing me.

I have all my IEPs written, so things are really starting to look up...and I can see summer vacation on the horizon:)!!

I hope that things go well for you in May. That has been a long time to be held in limbo. Hard to move on with that hanging over your head.

Mimi,
Thank you for the post. I think I am moving on...but he can still get me spun up...and I hate that. I hate having to deal with him at all. We do fine when we don't have to hear from him for weeks on end.....then he manages to stir things up again. I need to get out of that struggle somehow. He sent me $2.00 for child support this month....and he thinks he is hurting me....Dumb man. We went to court in Dec...and that was a fiasco. He is right back with not paying his child support, medical bills and tuition. How can he look at himself...I can't understand it.

We are all working hard to try and stay afloat. I am so glad for you that your ex and neighbor are no longer an item. I really couldn't have handled that. I have a hard enough time seeing my ex's OW every few months....I am very non-violent, but I would love to punch her in her prominent probiscus!!

I better run...I have to go and pick up my daughter at physical therapy. Both of you have a great weekend. Pat

Pat and Lets Try..we have so much in common that we have to get together sometime.


It has been so hard juggling school, work, children, a home and trying to rebuild my life and my family. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel as dim as it is, but I CAN SEE IT!!!!!

Money is not enough to provide happiness, but financial strain certainly interferes with happiness. I hate worrying constantly about money and about whether I'll be able to hang on another 8 years until I am free to move wherever I can find a better paying job, or preferably two better paying jobs, and whether I will even be able to find such a job when I am 60. I hate the fact that I have to say no so often to the children, that they don't ever get to go on vacation (it has been 7 years), that their standard of living and their opportunities are so much more limited than that of their classmates. It is a thousand times worse for those mothers who don't even know where the next meal is coming from. I now know that money is far more important than I ever thought it was, back when we were able to go on vacation every few years, and when an unexpected auto repair wasn't a disaster.

Nellie,

I agree, the financial difficulties of divorce are aweful--especially for those trying to raise kids...and spouses who "forget" how much a family costs to raise.

It is hard on all of us...everyday it seems like something else comes up that has to be paid for...and unfortunately my teacher's salary only goes so far. It is hard...and it creates stress.

Sunrise, it was great hearing from you. How have you been? It definitely is a challenge trying to keep everything going. It would be great for all of us to get together sometime. If you are ever in the area, I live outside of KC. I met Dawn one time when she was coming through the area. We managed to have a lunch date. I feel like a lot of us have been through very similar experiences in the last 5 years or so. MB has really been a life saver for me.....sometimes I get so depressed because it seems like I am the only one experiencing some of the crap that goes along with a divorce...and then I come here and find old "friends" and interestingly...we still seem to be going through a lot of the same experiences and emotions. It helps to get through them. I thank all of you for your advice, patience, understanding and empathy. It really means a lot to me, because most people don't want to hear any more about it. Life goes on. Anyway, I appreciate ALL of you so much. Have a great weekend. Pat