Here is a question for anyone who has managed to recover their marriage or in the process of recovery.

I have been on these boards for over a year now and I am the BS. My WW left about a year ago. I've been in a plan B mode for some time now. I've read the books and fully understand what is PLan B and why.

I have always debated plan B. I understand why and what it is for. However, I've seen some success stories here of the BS being open to the WS. Ofcourse no LB'ing and not shutting them out.

Here is the question. If we are to show our WS that we are a better choice and that the benefits of the marriage outweigh the benefits of the OP then how can we do it if we are in a true plan B? If we are in plan B our WS should know nothing that is going on in our life, right? I've always pondered what is the best avenue of approach. Do a true plan B or take the other road, Plan C, and show the WS that we can be better and that our lives do go on without them and that we can be happy.

I sort of see a Plan C as one where the BS does not initiate contact and minds their own business but when contact is made they leave just enough evidence to show the WS that we are doing fine and even better. We even show them we are happy. Make sense? Sort of like my current life. I'm exercising 10 times as much. Lost weight and am starting to look like I was at 20 years. I estimate I'll have my six pack again sometime in late summer. I have a new job where I've increased my salary by almost 100% since d-day. Sounds almost impossible. My brothers and father described it like taking a weight of my leg and taking flight. With the new money I have a new car and clothes. Making some changes here and there.

Any FWS out there have any input on this. What effected you more? Your BS not talking to you and going dark or the fact that he or she is moving on and enjoying their life better than you? For those that have recovered their marriage or are in recovery what plan helped you to where you are?

Anyone else thought these same thoughts?

I appreciate any input. Thanks.

TR,
The way I understand it is that Plan A and Plan B are used together. In one YOU show as many changes as you can (such as the once you mension above) and then Plan B, darkness. Now, your WH remembers the YOU in plan A, and likely the YOU he loved when you were together.....and not the person he remembers leaving......

That is why dark is better. It gives the WS a chance to really see what YOU moving on means! It lets him see what YOU not being in his life at all really feels like!


I just got a letter from my H on thursday after 2 months of darkness. I don't know where it will go, if anywhere, but for 9 months he insisted that he did want to be with me, that we don't work, and he just wanted friendship. Even when I informed him that I wanted NC, he again told me he did not want me, did not see us as a reality, doesn't plan on us being together....etc....

It feels to me that the WS really doesn't know what they want, and sometimes taking yourself out of the picture completely gets them to realize that it really is YOU.

Well, I am not a Ws, and I have not recovered my M and am not in recovery either (don't think so).

BUT, I did what you are talking about. Almost from the start when it came to initiating contact. And one thing I can tell you is I wasn't just showing WH I was doing fine--I was really doing fine. Everyone is different. And each of us needs to tailor-fit the plans out there to fit our own sitch.
I did this for me--because it worked for who I am. Plan B is for you. I don't think one is better than the other necessarily. Just different strokes for different folks.
I would say that if you are in a true plan b, though, that I wouldn't stop it and switch over. I think you'd lose a lot of leverage there.

(remember, though, that this is coming from someone who is not an expert--i have in fact spent a large part of my day corresponding with the experts. And I am sure they'll pipe in.)