Someone got me thinking about this the other day. My WH left our marriage again a few days ago and seems to have given me a rerun of last time. He's been back in his A for 2 months

Similar timeframe - duration of A before leaving

Similar words from the WS handbook - Doesn't love me (again)thinks he loves the OP (again)

Same need to run and escape - Leaves home with no where to go didn't plan to tell me, something snaps (guilt)


This all looks very fog like and it appears he's become drawn into the addiction again. He admits the OP makes him feel good about himself and I do nothing but remind him of mistake thus make him feel negatively about himself.

BUT...

I've come to learn that he is a C/A, people pleasing, P/A with and inabliltiy to face problems and take responsiblility. He is in effect a boy in mans clothing. He's never learnt to deal with challenging sitauations and will always look for the path of least resistance. As a result of the first DDay, I'm left with anxiety, panic attacks and depression. He wasn't always that good at supporting me and the guilt has eroded him to the core.

He appeared to snap out of the fog first time around and came to realisations about the OP (user, low morals, loose, drinks too much, moody)and his feelings during the A (high, validation) Yet he's been pulled back in so easily.

I don't think I want to fight for this marriage anymore. I do have a need for an autopsy on went wrong with him and us however which is why I'm posting.

If indeed his immature character is responsible he's not likely to snap out of it this time because there is no fog. So I'm wondering... Is his currrent thinking due to fog from becoming involved in the A again or is his thinking due to his inability to cope and he would have wanted to leave anyway?

I would really value your insight and thoughts

Thankyou

WW

Willow,

Is the 2nd A episode with the same OW?

I feel your pain of this 2nd d/d. Still you are better equipped to nip it in the bud so your time of pain is shortened.

I can tell you, I lived through several d/d's. False recoveries do that.

What you need is a plan to move forward. You are familar with plans A & B. Is there any need for you to go back to plan A? If not, then plan B s/b your next move.

As for the WS, he has issues HE needs to deal with. My Xws dealt with similar. My best help for him was NOT to help him.

The OW was not his type and NOT good for him but all my talking couldn't convince him of that....so he learned his lesson the hard way and almost lost his family in the interim.

It was and still is vital that I have a plan. This time, the WS was killed and the Xws came back.....then he turned back into my H. It was no longer 'about me' as the issue. It was clear to both that he was the only one to fix him. My fixing on myself and family was done as far as these issues were concerned. The one who needed to catch up was him.

Know that if you have a plan, it w/b much easier for you to move forward. Sometimes this A virus gets them hard and they lose their minds. Hope he finds it before it is permanently lost.

Edited to add: As to your question, it is both. An immature character makes one susceptible to the fog.

take care,
L.

Thankyou Orchid.

Yes it's the same woman. She iniatied the contact and he fell right back in.

I'm attempting Plan B. Plan A worked very well last time but he's aware of my tatics so this time Plan B may surprise him but it's more for my sanity. The OP is this case is so opposite to me. I doubt there is any longevity in it, he doesn't want to live with her. It's an escape again. This fake recovery has been a terrible blow but I know they happen.

As you can probably tell, I haven't completey closed the door on him, although it's open just a fraction of a crack. Does true recovery happen after circumstances such as these happen? I know the realisation has to come completely come from him and he needs to work hard on his issues. I have worked hard on mine and continue to do so.
It's easier for him to be with the OP because she 'appears' to except him as he is. He doesn't have to 'work' at anything when he's with her. That's why last time he said he didn't have the energy to put into R.

Yes, recovery is possible but it is up to him to initiate recovery. You have made your changes and he can't use the same tactics against you.

For me, there were several false recoveries and when the WS told me that the OW was a lot like me, I was offended. Reality showed the OW was instead quite the opposite of me so his judgement was impaired. That admittance on his part became one of the tools I used to measure his return. It also made it evident that I did not want the WS back in my life. Plan A allowed me to deal with the WS, later we learned we didn't need him to survive or live. So the door to accepting the WS closed and plan B went into effect.

That is why I say to plan B the WS and plan A your spouse.

U w/b stronger and bounce back quicker because you already know where your path resides.

take care,
L.