Well, I need to learn now a way to stop loving...she after a rough week and so many failed recoveries told me yeaterday...she can't love me enough...perhaps 80 percent and doubted if she could ever make love to me again.
Said in the end...she only wants to care for herself.

Well you are not going to learn how to stop loving Welder, but you are going to learn to choose happiness over pain.

You will get to the point where the pain no longer holds an attraction for you. A point where you just can't hurt anymore.

I'm sorry, you have had such an incredible lesson in pain with her.

And I hope to God, that you now will choose joy.

{{{{{{welder}}}}}

I truly regret...4 weeks ago Deb...thats her..not FWW. Started attending church again, the same one we were married in...for some unknown reason, kind of out of embarassement I didn't go.
I was planning on going there this Sunday...but I just missed out. I remember going to the front of church holding Deb's hand and being let in prayer. Why wasn't I there?
I also spoke with my Mom this morning and I broke down...all she can say is "sorry". This is maybe the only thing in my life that I can't seem to fix. Maybe after we split for awhile...things will change.

Don't you see that nothing is going to change until you change Welder?

"keep doing things the way same way and you get exactly the same thing"

There are no shortcuts here. Until you stop accepting her actions towards you and the marriage, she WILL NOT CHANGE.

If you say "no more, you will never come back into my life until there is proof, upon proof, upon proof that YOU DEB have changed, than it isn't going to happen" then maybe, just maybe...

You change what you will accept from her, and that just might force a change in her.

It's your only hope, has always been your only hope, and will forever be your only hope of having her as a loving wife.

You have plan A'd to death I would imagine, so you could do a Plan B letter again...but this time make sure it is the most important, set in stone letter you ever write.

If you cannot do this, than walk away completely and save yourself.

And I will also add, she says she loves you 80 percent...well guess what she loves you not at all, because what she has done to you with this constant coming and going is cruel beyond belief. She doesn't respect you Welder because you don't respect yourself, you just keep letting her do this to you...her weakness sees the weakness in you and that is what allows her to continue to be weak and continue to hurt you.

Does this make sense?

It has nothing to do with whether you showed up in church or not. This is NOT YOUR FAULT, but letting her keep coming back before she has proven her changes are for real is.

I still think you have a chance with this marriage welder, but probably only one more... and it is going to be entirely up to your own inner strength to not accept less than what you are both worthy of.

I know...we never have had a time of NC other than 4 or 5 days at the most. I think she has changed in many ways...she doesn't run around or go out...she spends all her time at work or going to her family.
I though have never re gained the feeling of her loving me...due to her not having a physical relation with me in the bedroom.
Her Dad...confided in me that her Mom is pretty much the same...Both have said they could go without SF.
I sometimes get the feeling that I take other things out cause this need isn't being met. I also have alot of thoughts on what the OM was like...she said in was horrible...can you understand why a guy would have trouble beleiving she loved you without SF?

I'm sorry that was so harsh, but it is so hard to see you get hurt over and over again. It is just heartbreaking.

You think it is your fault because you weren't a good husband, or you didn't go to church, or she doesn't want to have SF with you, and it isn't your fault.

She is troubled welder.

Yes. On this board we have learned from many, many of the men that they need SF even as much as every day...and when they don't get it they are not up to par. It is how they show love...it is a very important need when it is a top need.

You are young, and you should have this and when she ever changes and wants to REALLY be your wife she will do what she needs to do to meet this need for you as much as she possibly can.

Welderboy, with all the emotional trauma you are feeling right now, a cold bucket of water may not seem like what you want or need. But since you wrote this post I feel compelled to ask a question, NOT to hurt you, but to hopefully get you to start looking at reality so you CAN have a chance at recovering your marriage.

If I read this right, "I truly regret...4 weeks ago Deb...thats her..not FWW. Started attending church again, the same one we were married in...for some unknown reason, kind of out of embarassement I didn't go," then your wife is attending church.

Not uncommon, but here's the painful question," What kind of church, a Satanic one?

What part, if any, does belief in Jesus play in her life? She is NOT commanded by God to love you. She is commanded to honor and respect you and to live with you as your wife.

So let's start with basics...who "controls" her life, God or her own emotions and wants?

God bless.

Oh thank you FH. Please stay with him...he needs some strong male mentoring I think and I think that you are a very strong male pillar of support for marriage, and just the ticket here.

I could cry my eyes out every time I read Welder's posts.

And Cherished you know too I think what he is going through...I can't really understand it too much but it is so very painful to read over the months.

Today she phoned and is coming over to get some of her work clothing and stuff. She told me it seems I only miss her and show all my love when she leaves.
Also, she said that she sees unhappiness in me when she is here and I complain about "everything" she does.
Sorry but the walking on ice for years now has taken it's toll without the true showing of her love. She brings up to me how I didn't see the lack of meeting her needs prior to the A.
Weaver...you say she is troubled...yep...unhappy with herself I think. As for my weakness...I'm just not good at being alone.

Welder,

Sorry for the renewed pain. The WS is back you know. Even if it is only in spirit. The attitude is the worse. The PA is minor compare to the rage the EA can inflict.

For some crazy reason and probably because the EA is stronger to the WSW vs the WSM, being women do more with SF in the head 1st.....well some women will carry on an EA in their minds and live out that type of fantasy destroying all around them.

Not sure if your Wsw is like that but if she is, she is toxic.

Stop browbeating yourself. Of course we all could have done better but you know the path and plan.

From what you last wrote she is still babbling and getting worse from post to post. So go get yourself to a safe place.

take care,
L.

She told me she is just tired of trying. I would think a total try would be to within reason make love to your husband. It's hard for me to think of going forward with my life single...but it would surely be a more simple life.

Post deleted by Cherished

That's the WS babbling. Of course she is tired. It takes a lot of effort t/b in a good R and M. Ws' don't have what it takes to be a good M partner. Give her that line then show her the door.

She is counting on you groveling to her again. She needs a fix of power and control. She wants you t/b her pawn and slave..... not love slave just the one who gives her $$ and let's her dow what the WS wants. It's not even freedom, it's greed at it's worst level and rising to the top of that level.

RUN!!!!

L.

Gee...I dunno....would six years of celebacy count for some "understanding?"

And she is back....Sunday when she came over...she ended up staying...I let her know exactly how I felt, and what I thought we needed to work on most. She still seems to be happy and thing so far are good.
I guess her Mother...replied.."You are just taking the easy path". Other words I guess she thinks FWW isn't willing to start over on her own? Later, I'm headed out to the garage...she's still at work and has phoned me a couple times today.

Welder:

Rather than lace into you with a potentially misinterpreted post...I just hope you are fully aware of the concept of getting what you pay for.

I can't say that I feel sorry for you here. You fully have enabled this type of behavior from your wife, and you will sadly likely continue to get it in the future.

It is your life and inevitably you are charged with the full consequences of your decisions and actions.

If you are ok with that...than business as usual for you.

Goodluck

Are you saying I only get this....cause I've allowed it?

Welder, she doesn't change. She'll leave again, and come back again, over and over.

She has no patience.

GC

Welderboy, I think what everyone is trying to say is that you can't "play" or give "half-hearted attempts" at either being married or in recovering a marriage post adultery.

But you have so far ignored answering or acknowledging my previous posts, so I "get the message" that you would prefer I not offer any ideas, suggestions, or advice.

So I'll leave it with this one. You and your wife can't "play" at being a Christian either and "Going to Church" is just a bandaid for others to see and think everything is "Fine" underneath. NOT if you are truly committed to Christ. You CAN "play" at being a Christian if all you want to do is CALL yourselves "Christian" without surrendering your lives to God.

So while you keep chasing around trying to deal with the "symptoms" of the problem, neither of you is spending one ounce of time getting to the root of the problem.

Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat the past. So the short answer to your question, "Are you saying I only get this....cause I've allowed it? " to Lemonman is "yes" as the spiritual head of your household and the husband in your marriage, and "no" in that your wife is also responsible for HER choices to be disobedient to God.

But there is little point in continuing where there is no sincerity in the questions...only defensiveness and a looking for "bandaid" approaches. Recovery from cancer takes a bit more than an occasional "bandaid" to cover the latest eruption to break the seemingly smooth and healthy skin.

I truly hope that you will reach the point where CHANGE can enter the equation. Change that is lasting and real and not just "for show" and temporary until the latest "storm" blows over.

God bless.