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Welcome to MB.
Your H is prime t/b if not already a WS. He probably has been in many EAs and for now likes to live as such.
The longer you keep enabling his lifestyle, the longer he will keep you doing so. The question to you. R U ready t/d what is necessary to get out of that lifestyle for u and your family?
Once symptom your H may have is KISA (knight in shining armor). Mine did. Had many female acquaintances. I knew most of them but when he had his A, story changed to very secretive. Used a lot of babbling excuses like you have posted.
We went through a lot and when my mind and heart finally went in sync and he was still a WS, I went to what you will learn to be plan B. That means there is a plan A you need to learn first.
Given the above, go get the following books immediately:
Surviving an Affair - Harley
Love must be tough - Dobson
His Needs/Her Needs - Harley.
Reaad them in that order. Read the concepts above and take the EN questionnaire.
Work on securing your family's finances and prepare for D. Not do the D, prepare for it. That way when you are ready to expose you won't fall victim to his maniuplative threats and babble.
Give Steve H a call for some phone counseling. Steve is very adept in helping the BS get a plan. Your case is a difficult one because your H is comfortable beng a WS and thinks he is also being a good H & Father. You need to blow his cover. Steve can help you.
take care,
L.
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Wayward Spouse...I'm sorry honey!
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Oops...Jennifer beat me to it...she's a fast one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by LovingAnyway; 04/02/06 03:01 PM.
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Sorry, LA... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
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Can't stop crying after reading...what does WS mean? Appreciate the advice! Here, ready these threads. It will help. MB GENERAL WELCOME ACRONYMS WAT's QUICK START GUIDE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> L.
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Orchid,
Thank you so much. I'll get busy reading. Everything you've already recommended has been helpful in focusing me on looking at this a bit more objectively. It would be so much easier if I didn't love H but considering I do and want to try and salvage my marriage I'll get to reading. I just have to comment that I love the "Reverse Babble". I'm sure it is an effective attention grabber once it's recognized. Thanks for everything. Pray for me and my family please. I'll be in touch once I am more well read!
rainbowbeliever Rainbowbeliever, Love your poster name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I also like your attitude. At the very least you will come out of this a stronger person and find out what u r really made of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> All the best. Let us know when you are ready for our input. take care, L.
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Hey Rainbowbeliever,
How are you doing?
L.
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Get with an MC for you. Recommend you call Steve. Steve will not only help you through plan A but once u r done with plan A and the Ws attitude is still around, Steve will help you with plan B.
Regardless of where the WS is, you w/b ok. Re: U will have a plan, purpose and future. The WS will have nothing.
Don't fret over him being an azz. Just don't allow him to make you a part of that anatomy.
Have you read His needs/Her needs (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson)? I recommend both.
Expect the WS to balk at MC. RE: WS' are smart enough to realize the more who support you, the harder it w/b t/b a WS around you.
In reality, your H needs you and the WS knows it. The WS wants to suck the life out of you and make off with whatever goods he can. It won't last long but the selfish side of the WS doesn't care about the future, just the present. They think they care about they future but their minds are too warped to know how.
Learn to use their own tools and devices again them.
take care,
L.
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WS's almost never go cold turkey. If you have already "proven" the A, why more evidence do you need. I suggest you accept the fact that the A is still on-going and work on Plan A. There will be a time in the future where you will have to prove that NC has been established but just accept, for now, that it is not. Every time you reveal evidence to WH, you sacrifice an intel source. Your WH will just get smarter and go further underground. If he gets angry - it is because he has something to hide. Don't give in to that. Concentrate on Plan A.
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 don't have the $ for Steve...looking locally for one my insurance will cover, H still refuses MC but I'll go solo. quick Q: when i exposed it was regarding frequency of calls/texts; ironically the messages were all deleted so I couldn't view and H says "just friends". I was bashed for snooping and called a number of terms. I said I wasn't going to check up daily that H had to earn back trust and that I would look when he was around so he could respond. I'm not stupid and realize anyone can purchase a prepaid phone and utilize it without record so is it even worth looking into further? I realize I can't control H behavior but the stubborn side of me wants to prove "not" just friends. Agreed to NC and when Q about OW says only waves when paths crosses. H declared NC by phone and states OW hasn't called/text to find out why. Find this impossible based on evidence of exposure. Should I ignore or attempt to obtain further evidence to prove otherwise. I am tempted to just work on my part of Plan A and not dwell on what I can't control. Am I off track here? Don't want to waste time and energy if not going to be productive. Advice????? U have a quick Q, I will give you a quick reverse babble lesson, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> When the WS verbally bashes you, tell him that's a sign he's having an A, even if it is only in his head. When he gets angry about your snooping, tell him to do what he's suppose to so you DON'T have to snoop. See never, ever let him throw his A crap or attitude on you and walk away. You can't control it if he does but you don't have to keep it. Reverse babble.... learn to throw it back. Then U walk away. L.
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Orchid,
You would have been proud of me b/c that is exactly what I did...of course I got hung up on when I stated the obvious that anytime I have snooped something has surfaced. I laughed when H slammed down the phone. Definitely a benefit to the RB---I'm learning daily. Orchid: Very proud of U! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> RB it's a learning thing. On an another note I have been trying to be very positive in words and actions which has actually proven effective or caused H anxiety? He has been clarifying things to be sure I don't think he is lying; also verbalized that he is trying. Maybe I'm naive but I view this as a good thing.
Appreciate the ongoing advice...keep it coming. Orchid: The more a WS tries t/b honest, the harder it is for him t/b a WS. That's your key. My motto is: Plan A your H but plan B the WS. The trick is to know which character is communicating with you and when they switch identities, know how to withdraw in an instant. The impact of leaving them up in the air.....even in mid sentence is quite effective. JMHO, L.
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Good to hear from you. Understand totally about the WS making you exhausted. Don't be afraid to show those mental stress signs to the WS and tell him your H w/b mad as heck if he knew a WS was treating you as such. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Then let him wonder what that means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Enjoy the day with your children.
take care,
L.
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