BTW LM, your idea was Plan B. As some "old timers" may recall, that scenario had me "housebound" for three days by some VERY devoted friends! Sometimes...just sometimes, I still believe that idea had A LOT of merit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Things are really hard to take these days.
Sent OM and OM’s parents a letter explaining that he is living with a married woman and to leave her so she can have the space to heal our marriage.

WW has cut me off from email and I’m walking on egg shells trying to do something of a plan A while being separated.

She basically thinks that our marriage is dead and that it is only a question of making it official.

I have not much to work on. Some consideration, but not much more.

I’ll try to call her this evening and tell her how I feel that it would be preferable for her to do a session with Steve.

DLK21

Did I read you sig-line correctly? Have you been in plan A for a year? and she is out of the house living w/OM? Have you tried plan B? Why have you been in plan A for so long?

Thank you ChaCha for your concern about my being in plan A for a year.

SH advises me to stick to a modified plan A. Modified because we have no children, I’m a man and particulars to our marriage and the A.

It is gruelling on me but BH and SH both think it is the most promising course in my situation.

Exposure causes anger on the WW’s and OM’s side. She is shutting me out at the moment. It is hard to not know what she is thinking about even more than usual.

She had all but agreed to a session with Steve but they where acting like publicly like a couple with no guilt. I reexposed with my MB principals.

When my wife had her EA, I emailed the OM. We actually exchanged a series of emails, which I still have.'

In my first message to him, I told him that I was aware of everything that had been going on, that I was committed to my wife and was working on my marriage. I told him that my wife was going through a very difficult emotional time and was very vulnerable. I told him that I accepted my part in her unhappiness with me and that we had decided that as a minimum, we would be completely honest with each other, which meant that she would tell me everything that was going on. I finished by asking him to respect the fact that I was her husband and that he be just a friend to her...no more.

He responded and said that he understood that, and would help anyone who asked for his help, even me (while meanwhile trying to take the EA to PA).

So, I said, okay, then tell me what you think I need to do to save my marriage. He actually responded with some pretty good advice. Imagine blue collar wisdom of Plan A - that was his response.

He then asked me for advice on fixing his computer believe it or not. I gave him some advice. My wife then asked that he and I stop communicating because she thought it was weird. I agreed, and asked her for the same thing for the same reason.

Very surprisingly, he then sent her an admonishing email saying essentially, "Hey, wake up! You're married! Work on your marriage, this has gone too far already." He sent me an email saying, "I think I just gave her the push you need, don't f*** this up!"

I know this sounds bizarre, but it really happened that way.

Ahnold
Thanks for the post. That is incredible. I wish I could ask OM for the same advice. He has said to me that he would leave my wife if she asked him. She has not.

Maybe I could ask him… That is very creative. WW stated that he has said things like ….”I waited all my life to meet a women like you” “Or my hole life has been leeding to this”. So I would be surprised. But I’ll think about it.

Thanks again.

DLK21

You are welcome, but don't anticipate that he will respond in the same way. He is a different person. Keep in mind that he has HIS best interests at heart, not yours. But, if he cares at all about your wife, you may be able to leverage that.

Also, I found that for me, getting the commitment to honesty from my wife was huge. She stuck to it I think because she was so ashamed at being caught lying to me.

Ultimately, you are in your shoes, and deciding to contact him is a personal choice, but there is a lot of experience here, think it through logically first. Kind of like a problem at work, make a plan, work the plan, stick to it.

Good luck, bro.

Don't waste your time. It has been well over a year since I sent out a threatening letter to one of the OM. It did no good. He came out of the cave he lives in and tried to contact my wife a few weeks ago.
This time he will learn that I meant business when I told him I would destroy his life, piece by piece.
He has no regard for your marriage, life or wife!

Thanks BKarl.

I think OMs are not all the same. Some don't even know the WW is married. Some are married themselves and others are not. Time will tell if my registered mail cleared things up at all.

My WW is in love with OM and it is a soul mate situation...Difficult to have her see out of the fog.

DLK21

Just spoke to OM on the phone.

He says it is OK to live with my wife because she has made up her mind. And also that it is not illegal.

I raised my voice too often but all in all I think I did well.

He understands that he is living with a married woman and that she is still married.

He doesn’t grasp that his presence is damaging to our marriage.

DKL21

I'm burnt out.


I hope talking to him did some good.

DLK21

Sorry to see in your last post that you feel burnt out. I can imagine that.
For whatever it's worth...
I think it is a good thing to tell the OP to get out of somebody else's marriage. However it's probably of little use to try and *explain* to the OP why and how it is wrong, and what marriage is supposed to mean - it's like talking to a deaf man.

Any person with an IQ higher than room temperature understands that already.

But I think what belongs in there is saying
... I know what's going on
... this is my marriage not yours
... I want you to stop messing around in my marriage.

No explaining,no arguing, no try to get the upper hand in a discussion.

He will not agree with you, and will use it to prove that you, the husband (or wife, resp.) is mentally unstable, etc, etc. But everyone knows who is the jerk, especially those who try to rationalize it all away...

Thanks DMbx,

I'm going to rest today.

That hour trying to let the OM know

I told him how destructive his actions are. He thought he was not hurting anyone. The problem is that I feel so much anger towards him that I do come across as possessive and out of my mind. He just does not grasp the wisdom behind marriage vows and fidelity. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Who knows how this will work out? Just chipping away at their affaire.

No fault divorce is immoral if you ask me. I’m with you on that.


DLK21

Hi Dk21,

Sorry mate I have not seen you on msn for a long time, I was thinking about you and how things are. Lets make a plan to have a chat..I am working long hours but with the time difference we can get together. I am divorced now but in contact with ex and she said that she can not understand why she could have done this and that yes all the nice things the BS done is noticed but just deep in the mind, I hope that your WW´s feelings for you would come up. You are in my thoughts. My thought about OM is that he does not care and by contacting him just help him with his ego trip and the more you fight the more he will even if it is not about your WW but just to be the winner. Work on your WW you 2 have a connection. If you work on WW OM might get burned out but if you work on him he will see this as OM and WW against BS. Hope you get my point....it is only an opinion.

Van

How are you doing?

Thanks for your thoughts on best place to put my energy. I’ll keep that in mind. Was at a convention this week end. I'll keep MSMessenger open and hope to see you on it to talk. When is the best time to reach you?.

DLK21

I would proceed with caution. I wanted to send an email debasing my wife and their relationship as well as his endowment muhahahaha!. The kind people here talked me out of it.

If you know the character (player/ druggie/ etc.) of the OP then perhaps you can make a more informed decision. The OM in my sitch has been with another married woman before. I doubt anything I say will change his mind, although he is paranoid that he will get his head bashed in if any of my brother's friends see him. Hence, they do not date.

Can you reach his family and expose the A to them? I think that might be more effective.

Once sent you cannot retrieve it.