I've posted a couple of times in the past, and have received many supportive replies. I've tried doing the whole Plan A thing, but now I'm moving to Plan B. My WS has been having an affair with a co-worker for the past several months, and despite repeated claims of "ending it", it has continued. They just got sneakier about it.
The final straw dropped Saturday evening. While it took some doing, I finally cracked her e-mail acct. It turns out that she hasn't just one, but TWO OM's!!!!!!!!! I was astounded. The fellow I knew about is a relative stranger to me, but another is an old friend of ours. I was flabbergasted.
I'm ending it. I cannot possibly reconcile myself to this. When I just thought there was one OM, I took upon myself a fair amount of the blame, due to some of my behaviours in the past. However this is completely, an utterly inexcusable.
I never saw this coming. I don't know how I could be with someone for 20 years, and not know them any better than this. She's totally lost herself.
I'm arranging for an STD test, as I'm guessing she's had unprotected sex with both of them. (And perhaps others?) Its all over but the crying now. (And I'm sure there'll be plenty of that to come...)

Kato64, I don't think it necessarily has to be over. My FWW had 2 A's last year, also a one night stand. But here we are 4 months later and recovering. On the surface, at least, we are close to back to normal. I have remaining trust issues, and we're not yet where we need to be. But I think we are going to make it.

I'm telling you this to give you some hope. It doesn't have to be over. Can I ask you to take some time to reflect on this? It's a decision that merits some reflection time. Best Wishes.

Since you've hacked into her mail, you must have the addresses of the OMs. Perhaps you should consider it your civic duty to inform each of them of the other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

After informing them of each other, the next most civic minded thing to do may be to request in their names information from your local health department about STDs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It's tough to find fun in this messy business. We should seize it when we can.......

I don't know how I could ever possibly regain trust in her. It has to be understood that this is not two separate affairs, but two SIMULTANEOUS affairs. I don't know how I could get past it. The one OM, the one I knew about already, is a virtual stranger to me. However the one I just found about is an old and (formerly) trusted friend. I just feel like such a chump for trusting them both. I was so busy worrying about my WW & OM1, that I never even considered this old friend could be OM2. I'm very tempted to tell his spouse about it. I know she's had her suspicions about the two of them in the past. I guess she was a little smarter than I was. Now I'm not even sure if there are only two OM's. She has many male friends. Perhaps she's entertained them all, at one point or another. I've not said anything to her yet, but will be seeing her in about 2 1/2 weeks. This isn't something that can be dealt with via phone or e-mail. It must be dealt with face to face...agreed?? As for informing the OM's about each other...that's occurred to me. Although I'd get no joy out of any of it. Maybe just some grim satisfaction of bursting any illusions they may each have that THEY were the only one...you know, other than me, her husband.

Squeal like a pig. The sooner the better.

DO NOT threaten or warn your wife nor OM that you're going to do this!!!!!

Save the e-mails as evidence and provide copies to OM's wife.

I strongly suggest you also expose the two OMs to each other. Very, very effective to upset the fantasy. Again, in no case alert you wife that you're gona do this.

Read the exposure link in my sig line below.

kato,

You should definately tell his wife. Being a betrayed spouse yourself, you can appreciate how hurt she would be if you knew and didn't tell her. It's her right to know and protect her family. By withholding this information you are not protecting anyone, you are the only one that can save her from a danger she might not even know is there. Tell her. Tell her and keep in touch, so you both can compare notes to see what they are up to. Point his wife to this site and encourage her to expose on her side as well. There's a good chance he'll bail out after being caught and knowing he's not the only OM.

Definately inform the OM's about each other. It's not about getting some revenge, its about bringing the affair into the light and killing the fantasy. It wont be so wonderful for anyone once they realize they are also being cheated upon.

I would consider even forwarding the email from each OM to the other. They can see for themselves the evidence.

Take control, these are the right things to do.

Take WATs advice, Kato. Inform each OM of the other. It's a natural part of exposure: expose to anyone who can affect the affair.

BTW, two simultaneous A's indicate a lot more going on with WW than the state of your M.

You get to decide how much you can take. No one here is going to fault you for going to Plan B, or D.

But do it by the book. Your personal recovery depends on doing it right.

With prayers,

Actually Kato,

I am going to say something that I don't recall ever saying.

I think you should expose her to her family, to OM's W, to the military as the military takes a rather dim view of adultery. Then I would file for FULL custody of the children, the home and every thing else your lawyer says you might retain. I would definitely collect all of the emails, all of the cell phone bills, everything you have and put it in a safety deposit box. Give copies to your lawyer, and send copies to OM's W.

Frankly, I don't see the purpose of rebuilding the marriage given your W's current state of mind and what her state of mind has been. I would encourage you to consider rebuilding but ONLY AFTER she has been in counseling and YOU SEE concrete changes in her behavior. As for her going out with her "friends" the night before she departed, I think you KNOW the answer.

You may have caught me on a bad day, but really I don't think anything less than you finally deciding to have a back bone and doing all you can to protect your children from her behavior would be acceptable.

I am sure she will be willing to "forgive" you for your snooping, (Oh! Please) or anything else once SHE has calmed down, but frankly when she comes home in a few weeks all of this should be taken care of and all of the stuff should have already "hit the fan."

Get it done NOW, file NOW, and expose NOW. You will have an opportunity to change your mind later, if something warrents it, but right now. File, expose, and protect your family, your assets.

God Bless,

JL

Kato,

Even on JL's bad day, he gives good info. I agree w/JL's position.

It is sad but the sooner you get yourself and your family away from the Ws and your W (notice the difference) sees you leaving her behind, the sooner she can have something to fight for. The WS is strong with her now and you need to realize the WS does NOT want to stop being a WS. Your W has to fight for her right to be back in control of herself as your W.

L.

kato:
Truly sorry for this load of Bricks falling on your Head and Heart.

Please accept a brotherly / supportive Hug:
((({{{kato}}})))

Now as to exposure:
Please DO inform this OMW ...OR both W's if this other creep is married too.

Many reasons why,
but one more is that this woman is NOW sleeping with Multiple Partners (and like you, doesn't even KNOW IT)!

That's just TOO scary these days.

My W's CLB (creepy little [email]B@astard)[/email] was ALSO having multiple A's.
That sure raises the anxious quotient when you find that out. (As the other Girl I KNOW about was single, so who Knows how many partners she had .......yikes).

As far as Having to tell them In Person ........I don't see that as necessary .....
UNLESS doing So makes You feel more comfortable.
For instance:
being able to answer questions directly or perhaps Ask them some Yourself OR just to look them in the eye and See a Reaction.

So do reveal,
but do it in the manner that Best Fits your Needs and Personality.
Wishing you success in dealing with this most unpleasant task.

Can your M survive?
Perhaps.
Most of us thought our marriages were Over once we found out "what" our spouse had done .... OR How LONG it had gone on ... OR How many TIMES they had done it.
Key is to STOP it ...and then Deal with the whys and hows to heal (either martial ..but Expecially Personal!!)
take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with exposing, to both OMW and beyond. The OM need to feel the heat, and your WW needs to know the problems she is involved with by pursuing these affairs.

Kato-

I agree. EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE!

My WS cheated with a former co-worker over a yr ago. D-day was 2/01/06. Against MB (didn't know about MB until few days after), I kicked WS out, but not before I called his married buddy to expose and that angelic H would not be spending the night at home. The next day, I exposed WH to his family. Found phone records that night and called the OP the next day. Also found WH email password.

Heartbreaking as it was to read their emails to each other, I copied every single one she sent him and sent it to me. Wasn't quite sure what I was going to do with it. OP came across as stupid and an emotional basket case, and very desperate for my H. Her stupidity, my gain. Just as an example of how stupid and desperate she is, she went as far as telling her teen kids that my H would move in with them knowing full well we weren't going through a divorce or separated. It was all in her emails. You see, desperate OPs will do desperate things.

WH and OP did not know I've been watching their emails for a month. Two weeks later after D-day, H and I start talking and even considering rebuilding our marriage. He came over 3-4 times a week to discuss everything except D. And yes, we managed to reconnect physically. WH's IC called it "urgent passion." Whatever. But it was proof we still had a connection.

During these "getting to know" periods between H & I, OP's emails to H became more desperate and scared. She started to lose their connection. I sneakered at her desperation. I started to feel sorry for this woman in a pathetic way.

Two more weeks later, H & I had a talk and we both decided to rebuild our marriage. Great, I thought. So around the first week of March, I called the OW. I told her bluntly that my husband and I still love each other, we're not giving up on each other or our marriage and that she needs to figure what to with the rest of her life. I also mentioned that H & I have spent together 3-4 times a week and it wasn't to discuss divorce.

Then the bomb went off. Surprised, the OW also told me that H has been going over to her. I too, was surprised. I was more pissed but didn't show it. In fact there was a moment, as friends would do, that we started to compare notes. That didn't last long. Towards the end, we ended up hanging up on each other.

Confronted lying WH of course! As all WS behave when caught in their lies, he backpaddled into another lie. I blew my casket off and told him what I thought of him. I kicked his *** back out.

I kicked in plan B on 3/19/06. WH was also seeing IC, but kept in contact with OW. Sent copy of plan B letter to H's family. H left for a two business trip out of state. His IC coincidentally advised him to take two weeks of no contact with anyone including family to do some soul searching.

Remeber the emails I copied to my email address? And did I tell you how stupid the OW was?

While H is on his trip, I started to receive block ID/hang up calls. I re-exposed the A. This time, to the OW's email contacts and to WH family and friends. And this time a copy of the OW emails to H about how deperate she is and the names she called me. She referred to me as a "vampire sucking the blood out of the man she loves." Oh, here's another good one. She went on to say how she "is not good with other women interfering in her relationship." Now, doesn't that ring like a psycho? I didn't need to do anything. I just wrote a letter idenitfying who I am and that if they were her friends, there is cause for concerns.

The point I'm making is, you have a better shot in killing the A right off the bat by exposing them to allow you both to work on your marriage faster.

Here's the latest of those emails. OP frantically calls H crying about the emails I sent to her friends/co-workers. H was pissed and did the ususal WS behavior of blame. H told OW that the only way all my emails will stop is for her to move on, that their A was a mistake, and that he would file for divorce. That was on 3/29.

Today, 4/4, H is coming over for dinner and he's going to set up an appt for MC for both of us.

KATO, do NOT wait too long to expose. DO it!

Good luck

Thank you all for your words of advice. I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks (is it any wonder?), and I asked her if she felt I should expose things to my WW's 2nd OM's spouse. (Confusing, huh?) My therapists' advice was to leave it alone for now. This woman already has emotional problems, and has spent time in a local psychiatric facility. I do not want to be the cause of another breakdown, by being the bearer of bad tidings. (Although I realize it would be her husband's actions, and not my words, that would trigger the breakdown...)
This may be the height of foolishness on my part, but I've decided to wait until after our trip together in a couple of weeks, to decide on a final plan of action. I need to really think this through, in order to be sure I'm doing not necessarily the 'right thing', but what I can live with the consequences of.
Don't get me wrong, my initial instinct was the expose the whole goddamned mess. However, I need to wait until this trip is over, before I know what I should do.
If she says that she wants to recommit to our relationship, then it shouldn't be an issue if I expose these ****** to each other. If she says she DOESN'T want to recommit to our relationship, its the same result. Either way, it doesn't matter. I just have to time it right, for my own self.
I've considered exposing it to her sister as well. (About the only family member she's really close to...)
I may be completely insane, but I have to admit after I got over the intial shock of discovering the 2nd OM, I was worried about her, not angry. I think this behaviour betrays some serious emotionals issues. I realize that what has been going on the last few months is less to do with me, than what's going on inside her head.
Someone suggested I expose her to the military. I would not do this. This, to me, is a personal issue. Her career should not be put at risk because of it. Besides, the reputation she's building for herself will catch up with her eventually. (If it hasn't already...) I certainly don't need to do anything to speed up the process.
In spite of everything, I still love this woman, and want to remain with her. However I agree with one thing...we can't start rebuilding anything, until she initiates some changes.
Wish me luck in the DR.

You're absolutely right with this one...unfortunately, NOTHING will force her to initiate change...except exposure.

Otherwise you can count on nothing changing. She'll continue the affairs for the whole time you're waiting. If you're ok with that, it's up to you. Personally, I wouldn't be able to sit there and take no action knowing my wife was involved with two other men, so I'm not sure what other advice to give you on that front.