I'm not sure where to even begin, but here goes.

I am a 39 yo WW. My H is a wonderful 38 yo man. Together we have two beautiful D's (3 yo / 9 mos.)

Back in Dec. 2004, I met a man who lost his only son; we work together, but in different bldgs. (We never see eachother, unless it is planned). Well what was suppose to be compassion turned very quickly into a sexual relationship. In the beginning, he would initiate the contact (at first I hesitated) now everything is turned. We no longer see eachother and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I told my H back in Aug. 05 that I had an EA with this man (it was PA almost from day one). I could not berak it to him that it was P due to the fact that I was pregnant with our 2nd D.

So here we are today - I am in the fog so badly. I know I don't want to leave my H, because I love him more than anything, but it seems daily that my mind switches back and forth to the OM. One day I think I love him, the next I hate him.

So, here I am begging for some input. I have been reading here for quite a while, but have been too ashamed to write in.

I feel horrible for the things I have done in the past, but more horrible that my feelings are still mixed. If this isn't FOG, what is it?

Please help me~~~

67~

I'm very glad to see you here...it is a very important first step...

Yes, your feelings are foggy, you are in withdrawal...it can and will get better with time and truth...

The first thing that you must understand is that marital recovery for you is possible...but true recovery can only come by your telling your husband the truth...most marriages do not break up over infidelity...he deserves the truth...and you also deserve that...otherwise that secret will eat away at you for the rest of your life and true intimacy will NEVER be achieved in your marriage...worse, if your OM should decide to tell his BW, then his BW may very well decide to tell your BH...if your BH finds out this way, I'm sure you can see the devastating result to your entire family...Truth is the first step 67, without it, you will be stuck in this abyss of misery...

Are you sure of the paternity of your child? If so, how, and who is the father, your BH or OM? If it is OM, is he aware of that?

Let's talk about this 67...


Mrs. Wondering

SD67,

You are like I was. You love your husband and do not want to leave him, yet the OM makes you feel alive doesn't he. Makes you feel something you haven't felt in a long time...and you try to give that up - try to just be his friend and not contact him....but you always get drawn back in...

You have told your husband it was an EA...but you have never really faced things since you haven't been honest...and my next question is - have you ever REALLY had NO CONTACT with this man? Do you still see him - even as a friend?

First thing is first - you have to be honest with your husband or things will never change and you wont ever be able to withdraw from OM completely.

Second thing - you have lied to your husband for a long time, and I understand it was to protect him...i did the same thing for about a month - it is going to hurt him more because of this...and he wont be able to see how much courage it took for you to finally do the right thing - he wont be able to see that you want the marriage at first - he will be VERY angry.

But you need to remain calm and keep assuring him you are sorry, you love him and it's why you felt he needed to truth - for you guys to do this right.

But back to my first question - do you still have any contact with this man anymore?

Thanks so much, to both of you, for your replies.

There is no question of paternity of our 2nd child. As intercourse never happened. It was OS me giving. Oh just to type that makes me sick to my stomach.

I have not seen the OM for about 2 weeks (excluding just passing eachother on the road JUST NOW as I was returning to lunch and I assume he was leaving). Two weeks ago he asked me to meet him to "seal the deal", meaning "closure". We have not been together in months.

I have good days when I am so happy and then days like today, I feel sick and miserable.

Telling my husband about the OS is a definate no way. You would have to understand how fragile my husband was BEFORE all of this. I will not tell him about the OS.

How do I get out of this fog????

67...

It is going to remain impossible for you to get out of the "fog" if,

1. You have to see OM...even from a distance...without complete NC(no contact) you cannot properly withdraw...It looks like you will need to begin the search for a new job...

2. If you continue to hold on to this secret proper withdrawal won't occur...we see your situation quite a bit around here, it is not unique...so we aren't kidding when we tell you that if you want to stop feeling like this, you HAVE to tell your husband the whole truth...The truth is not what will damage him...it is the secrecy...the lie...he will never(nor will you) have the kind of joy that marriage is intended to bring...you are robbing him, yourself and your children of what you all deserve by keeping this secret...I am willing to bet that your husband is much more resilient than you realize...what happens if the truth ever comes to him from a source other than you? That is what could ultimately lead to his demise...Please don't count on this not happening, because it IS a very real possibility...this board has seen it many times...Also, your husband deserves the choice of deciding whether or not he wishes to stay with you...you have been making decisions for him about his life without his consent for long enough, how is that fair?

You must, at least begin, to consider telling your husband...Please understand that both of the above are the consequences for the choice that you made to have an affair...it is your responsibility to face those consequences...what's it going to be 67?

Mrs. Wondering

P.S. To Dorry, off topic, BBQ? Sorry for the slight "threadjack" 67...

I will seriously consider telling my husband...

Thank you for your input.

Good 67, and you are very welcome. I know that the advice to tell the truth and then to stick to that advice when you tell us that you can't sounds harsh...the harshness is not intended...it just is what it is...the truth always sounds harsh when measured against a lie...I hope that you will stick around, continue to ask questions and learn...It is from that that the seeds of healing can be planted and begin to grow...you can and will get through this...stay here, we will help you...

Warmest Wishes,

Mrs. Wondering

Make sure you do it with a plan. Can you call Jennifer for some personal phone counseling? She will recommend you read Surviving an affair. If that's too difficult to read around your home, check out His Needs/Her Needs also by Dr Harley. It talks about A's but also how men vs women need to commuicate. There is an Emotional Needs questionnaire in the concepts section above this post, Print it out and take it. You will find the results interesting.

You and your H need to get at a good communication level before you tell him. Is it cushioning the blow? In a way....it is more setting the correct environment that should have always been between a H & W.

All the best,
L.

I have already bought the book Surviving an Affair, also printed out the EN Quest. We are in the process of working through those.

We've had communication issues a lot in the past. We were in MC and I was told that I talk too much - And that H clams up....H homework was to find one word to describe his day and open up about it. Well, he did that for two days and then never did again.

Things have gotten better for us, when I told him about the A. We've grown a lot closer and our communications seems to have improved a lot! Our sex life was stale there for a long time, and now it seems to have improved as well.

I just feel like if I tell him about the OS, it will crush everything that we've worked so hard to improve.

I guess I just need time, to plan.

One question to other WW's out there....while you were involved in your A did you act so completely different than when you were with your husband sexually? I was a different person...when I look back I don't know who that was. It freaks me out, but the OM turned me on so.

I don't even know if any of this is making sense. Sorry to ramble.

If anyone could guide me as to the FOG and getting out of it, I would greatly appreciate it. BTW - I have started looking for another job. Problem is I relocated from NJ to NC and kept my NJ salary. Jobs don't pay too well down here and I am the breadwinner. OM is supposidly moving by the summer and leaving the company.

Orchid - regarding calling Jenninfer for some counseling. We are so financially stretched right now...but I have to save here and there that is what I eventually want to do.

I want my marriage!!!! And I want OVER this fog.

sadand..

sometimes we hold on to and create what we want something to be vs what it was...

It is hard to believe that smart people can be used only for sexual gratification...so our brains rally and rage against that thought and create it in to something with value...

the fact that it was physical almost from the onset is a huge huge red flag....

you are spending a lot of brain power thinking about him..you do this by entertaining the thoughts and memories...

ARK

truly they loved to risk so much
truly they would treating us differently if circumstances weren't different..

Was OM married? If so, does his wife know?

ARK - I couldn't have said this any better myself. Your statement is so true.

But what happens to us that we allow someone else to use us?

It's so sad...

WAT - Yes, he is married (2nd W). Not sure what happened the first time around.

No, she does not know. He will NEVER tell her and my H won't either based on the grief they are both dealing with now.

One interesting fact that I almost left out...when I last went to my therapist, I told her about OM's hotmail account that has been open for years.....now why would a MM need a hotmail account when he and his W share a home email? Also, he started sending me graphic e-cards....like he's done this before?

Any thoughts on this?

S&C

You asked and answered
Here is what is sad. You don't know the half of it. You have no idea what you have truely done to your H and your family because you have been focusing your thoughts on OM. You have not faced the consequences of your affair, because you have lied and continue to lie to your H.

You are still living in the fantasy of the "fog" meanwhile reality is awaiting you, and the longer you take to return to reality the harsher the consequences are going to be. You have clearly done things with OM that you do not do with your H. You have shown and enthusiasm with OM that you do not with your H. Your H may not know the truth, but he suspects it and you have no idea how deeply he is hurt, by what you did AND the lies he knows you told.

Does this sound harsh? It should, this stuff is harsh. You have tried to "dance" around it by lying about the OS. You have tried to "dance" around it by keeping the fantasy "fog" of OM in your mind and heart. But, the reality is, you don't get "around" your decisions, you must work through them, and that takes honesty with yourself and your H.

You just may lose your marriage if you tell him. But, the odds are higher you will lose your marriage to your H if you don't tell him, and I mean lose it EVEN IF you two remain married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You have decisions to make, and the first HONEST one is whether or NOT you truely want to remain married to your H. What does your H offer that OM does not? Why do you not favor your H with the same enthusiasm that you did OM? You have decisions to make. But, I think as the "fog" clears you will see that your H has many more attributes than does OM.

It is sad S&C, but you just don't have a clue how sad it really is because you are still "dancing".

God Bless,

JL

Separate e-mail accounts doesn't automatically alarm me. But he could be a serial cheater nonetheless.

What was the timing of the affair and the loss of their child?

I agree the exposure to OM's wife needs to be weighed vis a vis their other grief, but not totally avoided. Keep in mind that OM likely has told you some whoppers. Their "grief" should not be assumed to be at the tipping point. I know of what I am speaking.

WAT

JL - I am JUST LEARNING too! I have come here for support. I am not seeing the OM. Due to financial reasons (paying H debt, putting him through college, two children, day care cost, etc....)I cannot pick up and leave my job. I am looking, but so far I haven't found anything.

I know I hurt my husband and I do not want to lose him. And that just may happen. No one to blame but me.

Also, what kind of mother do you think I am when I look in my daughters' eyes? Do you think I feel proud???

I don't need anyone's ugly words right now. I am working on my marriage. What I need is support and encouragement. If you feel you can't offer those, then please don't respond to my posts.

Thank you.

WAT - That's what I thought of a serial cheater.

His only child was killed the week of Thanksgiving. I met him the next month.

For a couple of weeks I was trying to find anything I could on parent's grief, anything. Spent all my time on the internet. I put his needs ahead of my own family's needs because I just couldn't understand how he could go on.

My fault, no doubt. He said numerous times, "you are the only one I can confide in...." Big no, no. I should have seen what was coming. Maybe I did. I know for a fact that if felt good to be needed. That's is obviously an EN that I need filled.

sad, as a FWW I can tell you that both JL and WAT are good guides for you. JL may ask you harsh questions but he is the biggest help for FWW' that I have ever seen. Just because someone's question appears hurtful or harsh does not mean it is not helpful. The 'support' you will find at this site is to encourage you to open up and be honest with yourself and your H. Right now you appear to be lying to both.