S&C~
First, I want to welcome you here to MB!
Before I make any comments how to help, I want to let you know that ALL of us here at MB have share the same goal of SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE. Some of us here will give you a kick in the back side, while some will offer moral support and others will help create a plan of action. All will be needed I can assure you.

I admire your strength for trying to do this all on your own. You must be a strong person. However, you don't need to do this alone, and in order to be happy and have the marriage you always wanted you CAN'T do it alone.

I personally think you have been given great advice by some of the best on here. Mrs.W and Dorry are both FWW that are recovered and can help you so much...

As a BS I believe it is so important for you to be 100% open and honest with your H. His response to your confession is unpredicted but I agree with JL, it is so important for you two to work threw this together.

You and your husband need to be completely open and honest about what has happened. With out COMPLETE honesty the two of you will never be able to put closure to this and fully heal.
When my wife told me she was having an EA. I wanted to believe her but in my mind I always doubted it was just ES. Your husband knows you better than you may think. He probably suspects there was more but is also trying to deny it. That will eat away at him and may surface in passive aggressive ways to punish you that will also destroy your marriage.

I agree with JL and others. Tell him the truth. It is his choice to decide how he wants to handle it. He is most likely really hurting inside and needs you to come to him and be open and honest.
You said you are reading the book "surviving and affair". Good for you.
You sound like you really want to save your marriage and you do love your husband. You have already taken the biggest step in realizing your need to end the affair... VERY GOOD... I am so proud of you for coming here and taking that very hard and scary step.

I understand how hard this is for you. You must feel all alone in the world with this problem. The secret is eating at you and want to be strong but it is so hard to figure out what to do.
Please know you are not alone. You have come to the right place for the best support group there can possibly be.
Your husband is your partner right? He is the one that can help you threw with draws and be the shoulder you need to lean on. He is the one you need to share all your thoughts and feelings with. Don't protect him from this. You both need to get everything out so you both understand each others feelings and needs.

Continue to read and learn about how to end the affair witch must happen for your marriage to be restored. As on other poster said, call JENNIFER CHALMERS with marriage builers. She is great. I have personally talked with her and Steve both. They cost $185.00 per one hour phone call. They will help you create a plan for saving your marrige. I know where you are right now is very scary. You probably have a ton of guilt on your mind and just want to fix things and be happy.

Your emotions are probably mixed up and flip flop during the day. This is normal... ok... You can get threw this just as many others on here have. It is time to get a plan for saving your marrige.

Having a plan will help with your feelings. I suggest you call Jennifer ASAP and get a plan created.

Once you have a plan, come back on and share with us what you are doing so we can help.

JL is the best person you could EVER have posting to you - and one of the MOST sympathetic and insightful BS's that has ever posted to WS's - each and one of us FWS has learned EXCELLENT things from him - he is always DEAD on.


I know how scary it is to tell your husband the truth - but the truth ALWAYS comes out - and FF is one who's truth came out 10 years later..........and her story is a very hard one...they 10 years of lying is what hurt her husband the worst.

If you want your marriage - stop saying your husband is a wimp and can't handle it - tell him and let him handle it.

You may lose him...but it's not your decision to make...but more than likely - he will stay - and this will be a REAL chance at a REAL recovery - to do this right - for your children and for you.

Please read the recovery guide for FWW's that is in my signature and start there.

And please also - after you have told your husband, this man's wife also needs to be informed. It's essential for HER recovery too.

I know you can't see it right now...but if you want a chance at doing this right - this is how it has to be.

Becase lets say you make all the changes, life goes on - life is GOOD - you have a great marriage and one day your husband finds out...he wont believe that any of your changes were anything but a ruse to keep him in the dark. ALL that work will have been done for nothing.

Do it right!

I wanted to add - Torn Asunder is another book that I as a FWW found more information in to better understand myself....I recommend it along side SAA....

Yes, the OMW has a right to make her own decisions about her M. She needs to know.

Listen to Dorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree that "Torn Asunder" is excellent.
Check it out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

S&C,

Answer my questions and you might just get advice and help. Support of continuing to lie to your H? NO I don't think so.

You need to realize several things. You will NOT come out of the fog until you cease contact with OM. Have you? Have you sent him a No Contact letter that your H has seen and approved of? If not do so.

You are still in the fog, because you have not realistically evaluated what you are continuing to do and have done, and that is LIE to your H. You see the OS and the EA are only PART of the betrayal. The largest part are the lies, and you are even now lying, therefore the A is still going on and YES you are still in the fog.

Do you see the linkage? If not consider it carefully. You may not realize this but most of the posters to you have been FWW. Heed their advice very very carefully. You have no idea of WAT's story but it is tragic and he knows of what he speaks, listen to him. Me??? YOu can choose to listen or not, it is your call.

But, until you answer those questions in your head, there is no plan that will help you or your marriage. You need to decide if OM is more important than your H, right now keeping OM in your heart, and lying to your H seems to be your plan. It will not work for you, your H, or anyone.

If you decide you really want H and only H in your life, then the fog will begin to lift. If you are open and honest with your H, it will lift further. If your H decides to remain with you, you will come to learn what love really is. And at that point, you may well find that there is no one you would rather have SF with than your H.

It is really your call with respect to giving your marriage its best chance at survival and more than survival a chance to thrive as it has not in years if ever.

God Bless,

JL

JL - Thank you for your post. I appreciate your comments, and know that you are right. Hey, you have all been here a lot longer than me, so what do I know.

I am committed to saving my marriage, and am trying to come up with a plan to disclose everything to my H. I know me, and I need to work this process out in my head and on my own.

Thanks everyone, for your input. I wish you all well. And thanks again for your support.

I have decided to disclose everything to my H. I don't know when and I don't know how....but I am working on a plan for full disclosure.

I have sent a second NC letter to the OM today. And as I've said before I am currently looking for another job to get futher away.

S&C, I just bumped a thread for you about what the WS/BS must do to reconcile. Very good reading, IMHO

Ok, stupid question here....how do I go about getting a bumped thread?

Thank you - Faithful!!!!

I am committed to my marriage 150%. However, I am scared. I am afraid that my H is going to leave me. But I know that is a choice that he has to make and only him.

Too bad I didn't realize the importance of my family and how much they mean to me back in Dec-04!

I could have stopped an awful lot of people from getting hurt.

Just Learning - are you around today?

Dorry,

I happened across this thread and I am glad I did. I have been struggling with trying to understand how I can believe that my WH loves me when he can't let go of OW. I think you just explained it. As painful as it is to imagine that he feels "alive" when he is with her, it helps to know that he can still love me and want me as he has said he does. His actions don't match his words which is why I am in Plan B for two weeks now.

I hope he will realize soon that his place is here with his family. Does the "alive" feeling fade when it is no longer forbidden?

Nkay

Nkay -

I certainly am not one to give advise. However, it's not a matter of not loving my H. I know HE is who I want to be with until the day I die. For some reason I left my guard down, when I met this OM. I am losing the "pull" that this OM had over me. I guess that is what they mean by NC. I feel that as long as I remain in a NC state I will be ok. I have never experienced anything so powerful as this "fog" everyone refers to.

I've made a deal that every morning in the shower I will do two things, thank God for another day and to ask him to "take the wheel".

So far, he's working for me.

SAD!!!! I know where you are coming from, there are a lot of us who have been in your exact shoes and you need to let the OM go. What? Until you let him go you will not have any hope in repairing the damage done. Like everyone has been telling me the A is like a drug addiction. It's your addiction to the A that is taking such hold over you. You won't go through complete WD's until you never see OM again. Cheating and getting a peek at him here and there counts as not counting towards the 3+ week WD period. You can go 2 weeks get a peek at him, pass him by and it starts all over again. I know, I've been there, am there and am working very hard to get over my "jerk".
As far as work is concerned, lose the job. You may sit around waiting for the OM to move on this summer, well, what if he doesn't? I thought I can work at the same place as OM and be successful at never interacting with OM again, ever. Well, it doesn't happen that way in a work situation. Yes, you may have to take a deep, deep, paycut. Work 2 jobs!!!
I am leaving my job into an unsure future and have realized I may have to work 2 jobs in order to get by like I did on my 1. Self pity won't help you here. You were part of this A equation therefore you need to do what it takes to resolve it. I know, it will bite to go down in pay. It may bite for your H to torment over the fact that you are at the same worksite as your OM everyday and there is a daily possibility you may stir things up again. Think it won't happen?
I've been in the exact situation as you Sad. The job had to go. Not like my OM would leave, yeah, right!! I am at the end of my notice and will be free of this cell I backed myself into. Thought I could do my notice without any problems with my OM. NOT!!! Some guys just don't care if they get a NC letter or not. On a good day he'll just make eye contact with me. I know when I'm away from the work situation and far away from him I'm ok, I begin to heal. I'm in a rut for I go back to work and there he is. Just visuals sets me back. We never had the S, days I think maybe we should of, maybe then we would have hated each other afterwards. You know you want to be with your H, now you have to do the work and send a clear message that this is over. Forget those feelings you have for your OM, they aren't real. You are wild over the high an A gives you.
Like some have told me, treat this situation as if your OM was dead for he will have to be dead to you now and forever.
Go with your H sad, your OM, a lot of us have had one just like him, he's not REAL!!!
Good Luck and stand strong. It is way too easy to slip backwards, you must be tougher than that.
SMFRY~ my OM was just my imagination playing wild tricks on me, he is not real, he never was real nor will he ever be. FOG SUCKS, walk towards the sunlight!!!

I can't agree with you more. However, I think everyone here thinks that I haven't let the OM go. I have!!! I am just trying to figure out how and why I acted the way I did.

I AM RUNNING TOWARDS THE SUNLIGHT - BELIEVE ME!!!!

sadandconfused...hang in there...I understand exactly what you are feeling. You are doing the right thing, even if it is difficult at times. I am going to bump my support thread for new FWS for you!

You are awesome!!! Thank you.

Would love any FWW's opinion and advice.

Thanks, everyone!

In the beginning of this I thought, "Ok, I'll just take it one day at a time..." Now it's more like one minute at a time.....

I can feel God pulling me through this, today at least.