New to the forum. Not new to the site. And I seek advice.

First, a confession. I am a wayward spouse. I have ceased all but email contact with my married lover. I want to work on my marriage, and I hope to find the happiness there that I was seeking from elsewhere. My spouse does not know about the affair.

My lover's spouse, however, does. And she has been behaving strangely. While she tells her husband that she wants our affair to end, she goes behind his back and secretly encourages me to maintain contact with him. Using his username, she was IM'ing me. And she was using his cell phone to call mine. I discovered over 3 dozen offline IM messages that I immediately knew were not him. It took a while to figure out the "missed calls" on my cell were not from him.

And now I've found her here. Her BB messages are so detailed, and she knows I've been looking at this website, I can only interpret these as more attempts to get my attention. At least this time she is not pretending to be him.

I'm dealing with a psychotic, aren't I. Why else would someone behave this way? I should ignore her, shouldn't I? Can someone offer a possible explanation for her behavior? I thought she would be happy that the affair was over.

Blackbelt,

I see no evidence that the A is over and if you have been reading here for a while you would know the reason why.

Perhaps I can offer you a reason for the BS being psychotic. She had just gone through the revelation that the man that vowed her everlasting love, respect and protection has done none of those.

I can also think of severasl reasons why she might be the origin of your emails and cell phone messagess but that really should not be of concern for you.

My advice. Proffer your sincerest apologies, beg for forgiveness and then disappear from their lives forever never to be heard fromm again.

If you have the urge to contact either one, come back to MB forums and I am sure you will have a multitude of suggestions on the course necessary to regain your self respect.

best of luck

Cy,

You are right. The PA is over. The EA still has life, and will continue to do so until all contact stops. You are right. It's on life support right now. I'm working on pulling the plug.

And I understand his wife's being a little crazy. As you might imagine, I'm discovering that she didn't really have any of those marital niceties before I ever entered the picture.

But that doesn't address my question, and I was hoping someone here would be able to help me understand why she would actually encourage me to contact him, even tho she knows I am trying to extricate myself, and even tho the affair hurts her. My theory is that the only time he's been very nice to her was when he was high on our affair, and she wants him to continue being nice to her. It is sad. (And I wish I could change that situation, but it's not mine to change, is it, other than to leave it.)

Thanks for listening.

BB

BB,

What she is doing might really have nothing to do with you but all to do with her husband. Could be she is trying to see what his reaction would be if you contacted him. Would he try to see you? Would he tell you he was finished with you and loved his wife? If she is going to stay in a marriage with this guy then she has to believe that he is there for her and not just because you have extricated yourself from him. Understand? No woman wants to rebuild her relationship with her husband if he is still connected emotionally or physically to another woman, especially the woman that was the cause of so much pain to her.

I really can't believe that the only time your affair partner has been nice to his wife was because he was so high on you. Maybe it is easier for you if you believe that your involvement in their marriage was somehow good for her. Face the fact that you (and her husband) are responsible for causing this woman a lot more pain than she deserved and it is a scar that she will always carry with her. You also scarred yourself and even if your husband never finds out about your affair, you have also scarred him and your marriage in ways you can't even imagine, yet.

I agree with CY offer up your heartfelt apology to this woman, be kind not hurtful, and disappear from her life for good. Then work on healing yourself.

BP

Thank you for your reply, BP. That finally does give the matter an angle that I understand. Sometimes, it *is* hard to see the forest for the trees.

I do have to take issue with something you said, though. I said "he was high on the affair," not "high on me." And everyone who comes here, comes here for a reason, and it's *not* because we are perfect. None of us are.

As of today, I am ceasing all contact with him. His emails will go directly to my trash folder.

I could offer my apologies to her, but would it *really* help her? What she needs can only come from *him*, I believe. Unfortunately, from what I have learned about these individuals, I don't think that will ever happen. As frustrating as that is for me, and as much as I wish I could change it, I don't believe that I can. I think the best I can do is leave them alone. I need to focus my attention on my own home.

BB

I apologize for the use of the phrase "high on me" instead of using "high on the affair." You are right none of us that come here are perfect, not the BS and not the WS. We are basically here to help work out a situation in our lives that has been very destructive to us and to those we love.

Congratulations on going "no contact." Try searching for some of the old posts of "Two of a Kind (2oak) he pretty much specialized in the topic of "No Contact." He was a wayward spouse and he had a lot to say about the subject, his experience and why it is imperative to recovery. You may find it helpful.

I can't say if an apology from you would help or not. It might help to know that you were sorry but you are correct in that most of what she needs will come from him. Their recovery is up to them, once you are no longer in the picture. If he choses not to feel remorse or to put effort into saving his marriage that is on him.

Your reflection belongs with you to try and figure out what drew you into an affair and how you can address those issues within yourself and your marriage. It is true that no matter how much you wish you could go back change things, that is impossible and you have to take your life's lesson.

Best of luck to you

BP

YOU need to stop reading ALL and ANY posts that you believe are from your OP spouse...

just your words here...
my LOVERS spouse...where is all this mess does the word love fit in to an affair relationship..

you barely acknowledge her pain...call her psychotic...

and post about her...
bring attention to her that you are here...

it's all chaos and pain no matter where you look at this issue...

so why are YOU here at MARRIAGE BUILDERS...
an open honest question

are you here to fix your marriage.
heal yourself and your spouse...
or is this just a conveiniant little forum to call the BS names....
judge HER....
and keep the whole pot a stirring...

blackbelt..

you have lots and lots of your own work to do..
wasting time and space focusing on the BS pain will do nothing to solve your issues....

is that why you are here...to get help for yourself

ARK

Believe it or not, I gained a new perspective on a situation that I found very helpful.

If attacking me makes you feel better, then so be it. That's the nature of the beast.

BB

Oh, and I suggested that she might be psychotic because I have a concern for my personal safety. Probably paranoia on my part. It wasn't intended as a blanket judgement against all BS's.

If you have concerns for your physical safety ...

tell your husband that you fear retribution from MM's wife because you are having an affair.Your H will protect you.

Pep

blackbelt..

there is no attack..

I have no reason to do so..
I have asked the questions 1000 times...why are you here at marriage builders...

to a 1000 different posters...
there is the real issue of dealing with your affair..

the need to tell your spouse..
the need to go no contact
the need to NOT speak here of the BS for your post and name calling most likely only adds to her pain...

that you are partly responsible for....

none of that is an attack...it is the truth....

you need to change your email
change your cell phone....

you got plenty of things on your plate..to not be concerned with with the BS...

and you certainly should quit reading her posts here...

that's not what marriagebuilders is for..

ARK

BB,

I'm not going to brow beat you.

I love when a new comer to this board.. finds themself on the defensive end ...right away. The support is OVERWHELMING....all I can say is I'm glad I wasn't the WW when I found this place...or I would have hightailed it out of here pretty quick.

Sometimes people are too far removed from a situation, or really have no personal experience ...so it's difficult for them to be "objective".

You came asking a question... let me give you what I think is the answer to YOUR QUESTION. As opposed to overall "advice" about the rest of it....since you really didn't go into that part ...I won't make any ASSumptions.

She's doing what she is doing ... to try to determine if he is staying out of contact with you.

If she leads out with some bait ... you may offer up information that she doesn't already have ...because #1... he isn't telling her (not your issue) or #2 ... she doesn't trust what he IS telling her (again... not your issue).

As to your use of the term "lover" ... it's past tense, it's over ... I know that you accept that the term flairs tempers. Use something different ...something more politically correct to the board when speaking about that guy ... like xOP or xMM (ex other person/ex married man)...it goes over better.

Understand that you'll go through a considerable amount of withdrawal when you do finally end all contact with him.

Also know that you will never really recover your OWN marriage while you are in any contact with him. Contacting him...even if just by email... is disrespectful further to his wife, your husband, him and to even yourself.

Have you considered telling your H the truth?

You don't have to share if you don't want to ... just thought I'd reach out with a little empathy ..as opposed to a giant wack upside the head.

Take Care and Good Luck !!!

BIJ

p.s. You can get through this..the right way...if you really WANT to.