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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 92
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Posts: 92 |
How difficult is it for you other BS's to show your WS,FWS that you love them and care for them.
My most resent d-day was Jan. 23. We're in counselling and FWW has finally come out of the fog. She is trying hard to make me feel better and meet my needs and I do appreciate that very much, but, with all I have put up with, the lies, betrayal, the pain, etc. I feel very emotionally drained and now am having a hard time showing her that I love her.
She told me that she knows I care about her but she doesn't feel loved by me.
Her affairs were less than 2 years ago and she's already expecting me to move past that and move on with the rest of our lives. I had to put up with the 'fog' for so long and now she finally started to be honest and try to make things better and right away I'm expected to move past all that. How is that possible?
One more thing, to any BS's, from the time that your WS agreed to make your marriage work or they stopped the A, up to the point where it was clearly visible they were out of the fog and serious about making the A work, (The fog stage) does that part of your marriage mean anything to you?
To me it almost doesn't mean anything b/c she says she was working on trying to make our marriage better, but she kept all the secrets and didn't want to tell me anything and if she did, they were lies. To me she wanted to have a good marriage but based on lies and dishonesty, to me that doesn't work.
In the pasture of life, don't be a cowpie.
FWW 22
BS 26 (me)
d-day May 30, 2004
March, 2005
January, 23,2006
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Posts: 92
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
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Posts: 531
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Beatndown,
I am still in the phase of the M between NC/the A is over, and we are really actively working toward recovery...It is difficult to show my H affection as I feel that we should be further along than we are... At first, he said he would do anything to rebuild the M, but we haven't even discussed our EN questionnaires with each other.
Have you done the EN questionnaire with your W? Maybe if she was trying to meet your ENs, you would have an easier time meeting her EN for affection. Is she willing to do this? I know that when my H is meeting my needs, I feel more optimistic about the M and it is easier to be affectionate and loving.
I hope that helps!
BW (Me) 39
FWH (41)
Married 14 yrs
DS 4/2000
DD 12/2002
DD 8/2005
PA 1/05 - 9/12/05
D-Day 10/13/05
Status: Trying to rebuild
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 92
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Posts: 92 |
I e-mailed it to her a little while ago and asked her to fill it out, she agreed and I told her I would do one too but haven't yet.
I think a big problem with me now is that with all the crap she has put me through, I have built a wall so high and thick that I find it hard to show emotion right now, I also feel a state of depression coming on. I plan on going to the doctor's tonight or this week sometime.
With her affairs only having been 2 years ago this coming May, all the memories are coming back and with another d-day just having been in January, makes everything so much worse. Still feels like it just happened.
Feels like I'm just there and that's it.
In the pasture of life, don't be a cowpie.
FWW 22
BS 26 (me)
d-day May 30, 2004
March, 2005
January, 23,2006
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Posts: 531
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Beatndown,
Definitely go to the doctor and get some antidepressants. From what I've read here, they really work. My FWS is on Welbutrin and it really helps him.
Do the EN questionnaire. That is a MUST. My H and I did this twice, once based on the M pre-A, and once based on how it was after Dday (now). There was quite a difference in the ratings.
I just read the book The Five Love Languages. It is really good and talks about how each person has their own language of love, what makes them feel loved. The languages are Words of appreciation, gifts, quality time, physical touch and acts of service. Maybe you are not speaking your W's love language. Like if you shower her with gifts, but she really wants physical touch, she will feel more loved if you touch her (kiss, hug, a touch on the back when walking by her, etc. and yes, SF too)...
Good luck at the dr;s and keep up with the counseling. Hang in there. It will get better!
BW (Me) 39
FWH (41)
Married 14 yrs
DS 4/2000
DD 12/2002
DD 8/2005
PA 1/05 - 9/12/05
D-Day 10/13/05
Status: Trying to rebuild
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Posts: 7
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beatndown,
My situation is similar to yours. My W's A is just now coming clear to her and she is beginning to own it. My D-day was in Sept '04. The A ended in may of '04. She is now becoming tired of my emotions but the effects of a 4-yr betryal don't just disappear because they are uncomfortabe for her.
I am tring to meet her half-way in this by agreeing on "No Discussion" days to give her a break. I will do this (if I can) as long as I see her progressing back to a healthy relationship.
Also, my long-term sorrow and the injustice of the A seems to be my realization that I will have to someday sallow my pain and anger. This can only come from time blunting the edge of the pain and anger. I recently read that the best reason to avoid having an affair is that you can never un-have it. It will be in your marriage forever as a painful memory for both of you.
I wish you well.
Andy
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