Here is the situation in a nut shell... I found out that she was having an affair by looking in on some of her emails. I gave her the opportunity to come clean. She did not and I confronted her. She was surprised that I found out. I asked her to leave and am working on getting a separation agreement drawn up.

Now that I’ve had time to think and found this site I've found that I'm not meeting her emotional needs.

My first reaction was to get her out of my life. Now that I've had some time to think I want to try and fix our relationship. I think we need to sit down and learn how to communicate so we can meet each others needs. However, she is under the impression that she needs time to find herself.

She was in a previous marriage for 7 years when that ended she then feel right into a relationship with me. A few years later we are married.

I feel that if I let her go without putting up a valiant effort in getting her to stay then I'll loose her for ever - Out of site out of mind. But at the same time if I try hard to get her to stay and she does will she be content in finding herself while in a marriage. I’ll always have the doubt whether she is committed to our marriage.

I'm going ahead with the separation paperwork but I all honesty I don’t know if I can go through with it. I don’t want her to leave. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Should I let her go? What's the best thing for our already rocky relationship? I think she feels that the damage is already done and she doesn't want to make this work. Do I give up on her and just move on???

Welcome to MB,

U need a plan. You have already asked her to move out and really as long as she is a WS that's not necessarily a bad idea.

Here's why: If she is blatant about her A, her being in your home is dierespectful and hurtful to you and your family.

You should NOT be meeting a WS' emotional needs. You s/b meeting your real wife's ENs. Do you really know what they are? Take the EN once as yourself and if she won't take it, you take it as her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Then go read Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs (both are by Dr Harley). Prepare for the worst by reading: Love must be tough (Dobson). Secure your finances and don't give her the benefit of the doubt. Many a BS have been screwed over because they 'thought' their spouse would NOT do that (i.e.: take the family's $$, lie, file false RO charges, steal, manipulate, try to make the BS think they are crazy, turn the children against the faithful parent, turn family and friends away, get the BS to even pay for the A, etc.).

So get yourself prepared for the worst. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Learning to reverse babble isn't a bad idea but that will come later. Learn that you can't teach a WS anything so don't waste time trying.

My motto: Plan A your spouse but plan B the WS.
That will make sense later. For now do your homework and learn as much as you can, then formulate your plans A & B.

Take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid... I've found a lot of useful information on this site. I'm heading out to get His Needs, Her Needs, and SAA tonight for a start. Below I put some of her responses to our talks today. The main topic is me coming to grips with her moving out... this email below did put me at ease with it. I just want to make sure I'm seeing straight. Someone kick me if I'm missing something?!?!?

Thanks,
Eric

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But if I move out then we finally get to have date nights and things like that where we can make plans to focus all of our attention on each other instead of the afterthought things usually seem to be for us these days.

Don't get me wrong - I'm very nervous about moving out on my own - I've never lived by myself in my entire life, but I feel that if I stay because it's safe and convenient I won't really make time to work on me and I will continue to be complacent and take us for granted (because I did a lot of taking for granted too). We just started off in the wrong order and I don't think it's too late to go back and scream "DO OVER" ... we might actually be able to do it right this time.

Her e-mail is babble. Imagine moving out to date her own H? Hm..... crazy or what?!?!? Whose expected to pay? After all u r already married. Seems she wants things just to swing her way. U ok with that?

Need to really get you a plan. This WS thinks she has you in her grasp.

IMHO, when she moves out, that is how it s/b she is out and you don't owe her anything other than legally stipulated. She should not be rewarded for moving out and leaving her M. The tool here in your favor is she doesn't know what it is like t/b on her own. Is that true? If so, she is in for a rude awakening. Is she able to financially make it on her own? Don't give her any $$. Go move your family's finances to a safe place ASAP!

L.

I guess it's a little bit crazy... she's equated this to a mid life crisis. She's never been on her own and wants to experience that. Financially she can get by without my help but you are correct that there will be a lot that goes into being on your own that she doesn't realize.

At the same time the reason that she wants to date her H is that we have both taken each other for granted. If we do stay living together there will be a greater risk of falling back into the same routine that got us to where we are now. It sounds like I’m defending the idea. That's not what I want to do. I'm looking for ways that I know we can both change our ways for the better going forward.