H will be leaving for own place next week. We have plans to away as family end of April for 4 days. H wants to go. I'm on fence. I think kids want him to go, but he left us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It would depend on which plan you are in.

Are you in Plan A? Then yes you would take every opportunity to spend time with him and let him see how enjoyable the family outings are...with you, the kids.

You be on your best Plan A behavior...no R talks, no LB's, no DJ's, etc.

Show him what he is going to be missing.

You are in a Plan, right?

Yes, I am in plan A for the moment, at least trying to be, but when he moves out, I'm not sure what to do.
I thought maybe if he sat home and I went with the kids, then he might think twice about going through with a divorce when he sees what he'd be missing.
He's in an EA, but denies it.

You need to create some positive memories for him to take with him.

I don't know that telling him he can't go on the family trip with you would be a good Plan A move...kind of seems like a love buster to me.

If you can't stay on good Plan A behavior during the trip then you are not working on your changes hard enough.

If given the opportunity to show your changes and create good memories I can't for the life of me understand why you wouldn't want to take it.

Make sure that on the trip though, you do not let your emotions dictate.

We'll see what the others have to say...you have time to decide.

I do see your point. I just feel as if he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Wants to continue the EA, live apart from family, but wants to be around here for the good times, vacations etc.

Yes PLK that's what cake eaters do, however you are in Plan A for a short period of time and then you go to Plan B because you do not want to be with a cake eating WS indefinely, only as long as it takes to create good memories and to show that your changes are for real....

so you do your Plan A...it is a plan which has an end, and clear cut goals.

What are the goals of your Plan A? And how long do you plan on staying in it before you go to Plan B?

What is YOUR plan?

I messed up my plan A yesteday whe I started confronting him about his EA. He still insists nothing is going on. I plan on trying to keep on plan A until he leaves. Then I don't see how I can continue if he is not here. I can't really go to plan B much as I have to have contact with him for the kids.
I don't know. I am very frustrated for the fact that he does not at all see it as an EA and WILL NOT do anything to stop it. Sometimes I feel as if I don't know what else to do.

Have you read Surviving an Affair yet?

You need to go back and read Mel's (and others) posts to you on your previous thread.

You are wasting valuable time and also making mistakes that you don't need to be making.

Please listen to Mel, she is an expert at this.

I will add, what your husband is doing right now is IRRELEVANT, so stop focusing on him and start focusing on your plan A, and the things you can do to have a positive affect at this time.

He will NOT ADMIT IT, so get over that right now.

PLK,

It's important for you to identify the area's where you may have fallen short in the marriage (not saying that this is your fault) and to change those things on your end while in your Plan A.

That is the first step of Plan A, and it is a very important one...to stop any love busting and disrepectful judgements.

He is in an EA maybe PA, you can not change that at this time but you can show him a you which is very hard to leave...and a you which he will regret leaving.

I don't know what proof you have of the affair, but if you have none then you really can't use it (nothing) to confront with.

Lets start with your Plan A goals, and work from there.

So what areas of your relationship with him can you improve in?

All I have are cell phone records.
He says I argued with him all the time, nagged etc. He was never happy. I'm sure that's why he found her. I've offered to change, even have in those areas. H says it's too late.
I feel like I'm kissing his butt to get him to stay?

You are not kissing his butt, not if you are doing your Plan A effectively.

You stop nagging, stop asking him about the OW...you show only a you which is "lovingly indifferent", meaning you are bright and shining, but not affected by his yucky actions.

You are taking care of yourself and keeping your kids out of chaos. Basically you are acting with the grace of a dove.

You keep acting this way and meeting any needs of his which he will allow you to meet without begging, whining, sulking, yelling, nagging.

You basically become this really centered, graceful lady.

And you keep this up until the time you have decided you will go into Plan B...and you can Plan B with kids, it's just a little more difficult.

You do not "offer" to change, you just do. And you do this for you as well as for your marriage.

You need to be strong and dignified right now PLK, now more than ever in your life.

Plan A is NOT kissing his butt it is realizing that you have changes you need to make, and these changes could save your marriage.

In other words it is doing everything you CAN do to save your marriage.

Don't kiss his butt, just be very gracious, curteous, graceful and as loving (but not in a needy way) as you can be.

The changes in you should be lifelong because they are good changes, but it is not kissing his butt.

So get that out of your mind too.

And stop listening to what he says, or reacting to it. He is confused and doesn't know what the ****** his is doing right now. Remember he is in a great deal of pain too, this is his family too he is destroying.

This is very hard to do PLK I know, especially when you are filled with fear, and lonely, and hurting.

But you can do it, just keep reading, and listening and posting.

Stay strong, you are not alone. So many have been where you are and we all know how badly it hurts, but you can do this.

Thanks so much for your advice. I guess I needed people to give me a step by step plan on what to do. I see where I do things wrong. This weekend I must have told him 100 times how he was ruining our family by leaving, how I can't understand how he doesn't see this "friend" as another woman etc, etc. He got very defensive and said I would never change, that I would never trust him etc.

I will from now on not mention her anymore. I decided to do that anyway as no matter what I ask him, he still denies anything is going on, so why waste my breath asking?

I have to be strong I know. I never was a very strong person, so this is so hard for me. I want to punish him so bad for the h*** he has put me and the kids through that I guess that's why I kept harping on him.

He leaves soon, so I guess until then I have to be indifferent to his actions and just let things slide by no mater what he says, I will be nice and calm.
I hope it's not too late.

Easier said than done, but I will do my best.

How are you doing today PLK? How's the Plan A going?

He's working late tonight, so I won't see him much. I guess it's going O.K.